GtH, WtHC, F Results

Salam. I can't believe it. I can't believe it that the numbers was indeed successful in making me feel all so down and miserable. Yeah, I'm miserable at best, cause I can't freaking control my own emotion... I still can't find the answer that I've been looking all this while, even if I still didn't try hard enough yet

Maybe my existence was a mistake after all, as I had feared before ~

It gets more and more unbearable by each seconds, minutes and hours passing. And giving up seems more and more like the only option in life...

Oh well, I'll be off now. No need for goodbyes, perhaps I'll be back soon

Menunggu cahaya-cahaya pulang ke rumah...


Salam. Somebody's coming home, here, in fact more than one person, four of them. And I believe two of them are reading my blog currently haha

Let us be free then. Throw away everything else, stand for your own right, enjoy the bit of time you have now. Let them judge us later, let them condemn us later, for all that bittersweet number can do but bring our spirits down. Go to you-know-where with PMR, SPM, finals, whatever whatever, and say hellooooo, world~

I just found out that our result is going to be announced on 10th of December 2009, 10 pm. I don't care, don't you dare ask me how I fared in my finals. Well, unless you're someone really important to me, or someone that I can trust, then perhaps, I'll let it slip a bit

I really want to leave this blog, but I can't

Menunggu orang adalah sangat-sangat bosan~

I Hate This Feeling

Salam. You know, I hate of having this feeling. I even hate to say that sentence again, of how I hate to have this kind of feeling. And even others are using it too, to explain something of similiar experience for them, whatever, but in effect, makes me hate saying that even more

To have my heart beating so hard when I'm thinking about it, the image of that face flashing before me. To be so restless and can't focus on my driving because of it, and the tendency of my body to just jump repeatedly like a hyper active kid. To be hating her for so ignorantly ignoring me while I was hoping for her to reach out to me...

But no, not this time. It's all for the wrong reason, for the wrong person. That's why I have to say, I hate of having this stupid feeling, no matter how I hate of saying it. So what? So what? So WHAT?

And I still can't let go of the past. How on earth can I even think of trying to move on? Is this some kind of my own body's mechanism to help me get over the pain and the hurt from before?

Bullshit, or bullpucky (to be polite), all of this...

I hate myself. I hate her too. Ihy, but Ily too, is that even possible?

"i'll do anything for you, follow any orders
but my heart is my own
i'll protect what is dearest to me
whatever is the cost..."

Aku balik, depa pi sana. Sesapa pon tak suka jadi lonely tahu tak?


Salam. I at home. I'm at ease, but not my heart. I long to be there again, at Shah Alam...

The same thing that happened the last time at home is now happening again. I can't believe the darn coincidence, it seems as if whenever I'm at home, I tend to be a jerk, a real jerk to people that I care, them that are far away

And my friends, they are no longer here. When I'm away, we all made this plan of going out together and stuff, yet when I'm back at Jitra, they are no longer here. And I'm stuck here, with nowhere to go, no one to talk to

120 or something, faster. I really thought before that the Kancil is the one car for me. But just now, my sister finally trusted me with her car. And the rush of driving something else more powerful, more faster... Now I'm craving for more

120 or something, faster. Then crashhhhh~~~~ What a thrill that will be

Perlukan idea

Start the Genocide

Salam. Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to every Muslims out there. I know it's late already, but it's the thought that counts aite?

I heard someone ridiculed me and my family again. When that certain someone learned that I also took TESL, language study as my sisters did, she kind of like belittled the fact. Heh, hey, this is my choice, who are you to judge what I do in this life, what I am to be that I choose to be. And she, she thought that she had a degree in chemical engineering, she's better than the lots of us. But yeah, in the end she ended up as a teacher anyway, who are you to say

If I were to say that directly to that certain someone, I will hurt her. No matter how much I want to do it, I've hurt enough people

And seriously, I'm thinking of deleting this blog. Or perhaps to just leave it alone to rot in the cyberspace

"You're rotten, I'm rotten, all humans are rotten. Let's start killing each other already." I want a t-shirt adorning these words XD

Aku dah semakin bulat

Perfectly Lonely

Salam. Just a little parting gift song called Perfectly Lonely by John Mayer for everyone who still read this crappy piece of a blog haha. Yeah, I think this the one song that can perfectly define what I am currently. Perhaps it will change, but for the mean time, I'm heading back to Jitra perfectly lonely

Had a little love
But I spread it thin
Falling in her arms at night again
I made a bad name for my game round town
Tore out my heart and shut it down

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little a kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
That's is all I need

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me

I see my friends around from time to time
When the ladies let us slip away
And when they ask me how I'm doing with mine
This is always what I say

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one to be
Is it really hard to see?

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And his is not to say
There never comes a day
I take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs
That led me to a love so strong

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me

That's the way x3
That I want it
That's the way x3
That I want it
That's the way x3
That I want it
That's the way x3
That I want it

I think I will be fine. To that certain someone, I'm sorry that I'm not gonna be there for you for the rest of the holiday, but like, yeah... Who am I to you kan? I'm just a nobody, a stranger who listens, but even sometimes you won't even tell me what's wrong...

Have fun. I'm having fun being alone today XD

Wahhh, dah lama tak balik Jitra. Tak sabar nak keluar dengan budak2 tu lagi, tengok wayang, main gitar, badminton, tengok bola ramai2, dengan makan kueyteow dekat Ghani heee~ XDDD

Home Baby, Home!

Salam. Hey, I think my days of missing home will be over soon. It's high time I get out of this stupidly alluring life of pleasure, and start bathing myself in the sunlight again

Seriously people, my skin hasn't been spoiled by sunlight for quite a few days now

Haha well, that's it. I won't be around as much here as I used to be. I know no one will miss me, as much as how I will miss them, kan kan? Can't wait for the next sem to start again, though I do have some worries about some other things. Some other things like my result, a place to stay, that unfinished business. But hey, like they said, pleasures come with troubles in a package, can't be without each other, so yeah, lol

I will really miss this place. Though I still didn't learn how to play guitar, nevertheless the piano that is there. Perhaps I'm never meant to learn how to play it after all, however time will tell. And that little baby, haha. My ears will be so relieved that I will no longer have to bear all that screaming and crying, but yeah, I'll miss that little nuisance that always hang around with me, keeping me company for at least a little while

At least, I won't feel disturbed anymore. For example, hearing something stupid like...

"Saya sayang dia lebih daripada kamu", which a few moment later followed by...

"Why won't you listen to me, your own mother?!",

Yeah, I wonder that myself. Totally, what could've gone wrong ehh, what with your way of raising them is so perfect. Hey, I know that I'm just an inexperienced fool who doesn't even know his own place in this world, but really, it take no genius to tell that it is just wrong to tell someone that you love them less than someone else, especially if you're supposed to love them all the same. Imagine, you have no one else, and the one that you can only trust said that I don't love you like I loved someone else, how will you feel ehh?

Oh well, it has been fun while it lasted. Home is the place I need to be right now, and that's where I'm going to go to...

Or perhaps not. Xkcd is so much fun I tell you, as much as Ray William Johnson haha XD. Man, I'm so gonna miss the luxury of limitless Internet

And oh yeah, my Dashboard is being such a backside. The timing has been totally upsetting, notifying a new post later than they should be, a day at that. Grr, if only I can kick at something, or myself if I could

I think I had made someone very upset again :/

Nak habis download game semua. Movie dengan anime semua memang dah tak sempat daa huhu T_T


Salam. Here I am again, not sleeping during night time like a normal human being supposed to. I wonder what effect it will have on my body, as last semester I had frequent headache out of it. Back then I stayed up doing last minute assignments and study, so I guess it's okay? Lately my eyes have been blurry, but I've been through that also, so I won't worry much

Today I plan to sleep early... Truly... But today's feeling is not good at all. Not good at all...

What am I doing, someone might ask. The perfect cover is yeah, I'm playing games. Alongside that, I watch movies, download them and some anime and games too. Yeah, pretty much it is just that, and it does get lonely sometimes. But lately, those two boys have slept late themselves, giving me a bit of companion for a little while. That is, until they go to sleep eventually...

And yeah, it does get lonely. Why do I even bother staying up this late, when all I can do during this time can also be done during some other time...

I saw you just now, online. In fact, I saw you online since 10 p.m or something. It's been a while since I've seen your presence anywhere, and I must admit, I feel quite elevated because of that. And again, I can do nothing, you see. Helpless before the screen, wanting to so much say something to you, yet I know I can't because of my own past mistake...

I sincerely hoped that you will say something to me, or at least buzzed me, and then if you want to ignore me again, I don't care. During this time of the night, I was waiting, and waiting for a miracle to happen. Whatever I do during this time, I would sometimes pause and take a glance at the desktop, madly hoping that your name appears...

You know, I've waited so long for you. And when you are there, there's nothing that I can do. Yes, I know that all these hopes are in vain, futile as one might put it, but I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting. I've neglected many thing, so many thing for something that is not very certain, yet I still cling on dearly on it, as if my life depends on it...

Why do I still wait for you? My friends tell me to get over you, they tell me that it's not my fault for thing happens this way, it is your choice and there's nothing that I can do. Some even say that you don't deserve me, but how can that be, it was me who hurt you isn't it? I nod, I say yes in acceptance of what they say, but my heart sways from any rational thinking... Still I'm waiting for you...

Why do I still wait for you? Sometime it hurts me so much, it is unbearable. I know I shouldn't cry, so I just keep it all inside, tightly inside. Why do I still wait for you? Sometime it hurts me so much, it just broke out. I know I shouldn't cry, but when I do see your face, and seeing that kind of hatred to me, I no longer can keep it inside. My eyes hurt, perhaps because I've been holding it back for so long...

Am I just a fool? I just wanted to be a friend. I'm not worth it to be anything more to you, I understand that now. Is it a sin to be still thinking about you? Sometimes I feel so guilty, sometimes I feel like that it is something that I should do, as a human being. Why do I still wait for you?

I just don't know anymore...

I see that you have changed now. Even you looks different from before, I don't know, happier perhaps? And you no longer show your weakness to others ever again, as proved from your writing lately. You have been so strong before, I admires you for that, and now you are stronger, perhaps...

I can never understand you, so I get it if you hate me for trying to...

Why do I still wait for you? Can you just tell me, please?...

Makan daging Raya Haji niii XDD

You Don't See What I See

Salam. I haven't done anything constructing in my life since the holiday started, and I've begun to miss my home terribly now. Well since I've been homesick even before the holiday started, at least I can still bear with it a little bit longer

Before I went crazy, that is. Expect a newspaper headline like, "Student died out of homesickness", or "Student on a homesick rampage in city", or something like that

Lately, I've been playing Final Fantasy IX again, credits to Eifham Syah as thanks to him I can play PSOne games on my laptop hee~, and I've technically stopped doing anything else haha. It was like back then during the time where the only games that I play is role-playing games, or better known as RPG, and I just stared at the TV screen all day long absorbing all the beautiful music and mesmerizing storylines and colourful and impactful characters haha

So yeah, let me indulge in this little fantasy world of my own for a little bit, and just leave me be haha. When the next sem starts, I'll be back again :P

I dreamt I was a butterfly
I couldn't tell if I was dreaming
But when I woke, I was I and not a butterfly
Was I dreaming that I was the butterfly,
or was the butterfly dreaming that it was me?
Even if there's a difference between the butterfly and I,
the distinction isn't absolute
And there is no relationship of cause and effect.

Soshi (Medieval Date Unknown)

Seriously, I've forgotten most of what I've learned in the Foundation of Education syllabus right after the final exam, especially on Confucianism. Like it mattered anyway, yeah? Hohoho~

Kalau lah aku boleh terbang, dah lama aku terbang balik Jitra. Kepak sepasang~!

PS: Sesapa ada perasaan the sense of nihilism dalam post ni? Sapa dapat teka what is the symbol of nihilism in this post is, tell me and nanti aku belanja makan haha :P

Between the Light and the Darkness

Salam. I have been trying to stay awake since yesterday, and it's already started to affect me. My eyes had become so blurry, and every rush of wind that passes through my body feels like a sweep to tumble me down. I think it is just a matter of time before I really passes out, or just closes my eyes... Which is very unlikely

I just need to jot this down, and let out a scream. Perhaps then I'll be fine, or at least better

There's something that I wanted tell everybody, or at least someone. But, I can't find myself to do it, not even with someone that I trust. Because I had just felt like that there are actually no one that I can really trust. And to see me in the past being able to do so, so absolutely capable of doing it so but not now, I'm so hating myself now for that...

I feel so useless. He called me stupid all this while I was growing up. She sees me as the spoilt last son who always depend on others in life, and can't do a thing right in this life. And I so hate myself for believing in them sometimes. For every mistakes that I do, I don't ever seem to learn from them, and they kept condemning me for that. It had lead to me feeling like yeah, they are right, I'm so useless after all, can't do a thing right

So why I keep on doing whatever I am doing right now? All the steps that I take, all the endeavour for the sake of the so-called purpose in life. If he really just regard me as a stupid person, why bother see me going to school, going to college to learn anything at all, so why should I? And if she really hates me for my uselessness, then why I should even bother LIVING IN THIS WORLD, when I see her as an inspiration, so much that what I had decided for my future is based on her? If the people that were supposed to love you and care for you the most in this world do so to you, then what does it mean TO BE LOVED, and TO LOVE?

As much as I hate it, I can only see darkness in front of me. I just want to be free of this all, I can't bear with it anymore. I just want to be free, even if it means, even if it means...

I want so much to get away, to have that perfect escapism, but it seems that's not what it's meant to be, well, at least according to my own body who act on its own accord. Everytime I just feel like giving up, like to just run away, my body tingles with weird excitement, pushing me forward. Whenever I had done something terribly wrong, and my fragile heart can't put up with it and just want to run away, my body forcibly made me to confront it, no matter how lost the situation might be...

The thought of her always came to me at such a moment, somehow giving me strength even more powerful than adrenaline can ever give. And true enough, we weak humans will only remember Allah whenever we are at our weakest point, when we needed Him the most. No matter how ashamed I am, how useless I am, I feel the need to move on again, to do what I need to do

She must've prayed for me 5 times a day, which must explain why I'm so damn lucky everyday in my life, and how I've been safe from any danger. I can still remember, there was this time that I was nearly struck by a bus near a roadside, I thought I was going to die for sure, and afterward she called me to know how I am doing. And I have the audacity to even think about giving up, when she had put up all her hopes in me since I was born...

I made terrible mistakes, and inevitably, I will continue to do so. However, I will not let it sunder my spirit ever again, instead I will brave it all, if not for my sake, then for the sake of them who truly cares for me...

Aku nak balik Kedah, nak balik rumah. Aku rasa macam dah tak diundang dah dekat sini...

Friendship, as the Word Means

Salam. Right now, if someone were to ask me, what is the most happiest moment in my life, I finally have an answer for that, however with an addition that I will say that it is also the most saddest moment in my life. The answer will be real simple, which is the midnight of 11th April, 2009. And I'm never gonna tell a soul of why is it so

Okay, enough useless babbling

Let's talk about something that is very common in our life, which is something called friendship. So okay, what's the deal with me to suddenly talk about friendship whereas I'm so far away from any, even though I had realized from before that a friendship is sometime more fragile when people are separated far away, pretty much like the lover's logic

Thing is, in the Facebook, suddenly last night people were suddenly philosophizing about friendship, all of a sudden. And not just one, two, or three people, but yeah, more than that that it got me thinking, why, isn't it the holiday or something, things that just don't matter. And I thought that so okay, let them be, I won't have a say because I'm just not smart and intelligent enough to join discussion, plus I don't have any recent accident to relate myself into

Later after midnight, I found that is to be a bit farfetched, as I, myself, like all those people, are having my friendship and belief being tested by fate

An old friend of mine, from high school, which I haven't met since after our SPM examination, commented something on one of my status. That one comment really pissed me off, and my mood was spoilt, that rotten temper of mine has gotten control of me once again. I was like, how dare he said that after we haven't seen each other for such a long long time

At first, I thought of just deleting him from my friends' list. However, I retaliated back by putting up a status to just leave me alone, and he gave another comment, showing that aggressiveness still, yet seemed to be like really lost. I was up to another bashing, like a true cowardly keyboard warrior would...

Until I had realized that, I'm being controlled by my anger, and because of that, I'm going to lose another friend because of it...

It hurts so much before, no way I'm going to let it happen again. I had, somehow, ignore this ego that dwells inside of me, and asked of him, just what the hell is wrong, and as weird as it feels to say sorry first, I did to him. And only then, he said sorry to me, and explained that he was just sleep-deprived and can't think straight because he will have his final exam next week. Things was settled then, and we remained friends still

For even a small matter, our friendship was nearly broken in half. All the good and bad memories for that two precious years, all the goofing off in the bath hall, forming a study group together, playing basketball every evening during riadah time and every weekends right after Subuh prayers... I'm just glad, that we both can still cherish that memories and not look back in anger...

What is friendship, or rather, what is a, friend? One might ask, what is a friend? Just for a companion when in happier times? Some might say that to never trust 100% a friend, because they only use you for their own benefits, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. There are even people that even go to the length of saying that the notion of friendship is a lie, it is just a social play used to control the society. Whatever

As for me, I don't have the answer myself. I had lived for more than 19 years in this world, yet even with the few more remaining more moments perhaps I won't even get a hint of what is it all about. But I do know this, once you're considered as my friend, you're something that I will always treasure in my heart, and I will never forsake it ever again

No matter what I might say, no matter what mistakes I might do, no matter what will happen...

Boleh aku tanya something tak?
Hah, tanya jela
What is uhh...
Erm, what do you really feel about me?
...As a friend, of course
A... friend ehh?
Yup! =)
Oh, okay...
Haa, nape?
Haha, its nothing lahh~! So like, we are friends kan?
Yup, kawan. Heee~

Friends forever aite?
Friends forever

Drama Night

He stood under the trees in the dark, waiting beside the old-looking Saga car. Even though it was unusually warm that night plus that he is very tired from before, he was very calm, his face betraying nothing of what he is actually feeling inside. As he gazed at the full moon in the sky, he can still remember that smile that made it all worth it, to made the night a night to remember for the rest of his life.

He took another glance at the last message that he got from before. This time, he can't help it but to just let out a hint of smile at the corner of his mouth.

"Thanks for the balloon =)"

A sigh, and then another smile, a bigger one in fact. The watch's needle is about to strike midnight, yet the friends that he is waiting for was still not there, and he sighed again. This particular midnight was both significant and insignificant for him, in a way that even he himself can't explain. He wondered of whether he should just told them all about it, for at least if even things would just stay the same, at least there would be some acknowledgement, something that has always been missing the last year's midnight, and the previous one before.

He shook his head hard. It doesn't matter, whether they know or not. It's what the night is all about was all that matters. The team has tried their hardest to pull off the best play and acting they ever had done in their life, and all the hard work, the bickering, the time lost for this night, it was the utmost importance. He never cared all these time before, why should he be this year? He had sacrificed so many for his friends before as his friends did for him, that's everything enough for him.

She smiled at him today. She talked to him, wished him good luck for the play. And today, he felt real close to her for the first time, and not as just some mutual friend of the batch like how he had seen her as before this.

But he knew, nothing will ever change how he feels for the opposite. He knew that he will end up hurting her, and also himself. The past experience had taught him to never open himself to others ever again. He will always just view her as a friend, nothing will ever change...

Suddenly, his phone ringed, and he picked it up from the top of the car. He thought it was them guys, perhaps they are caught up in something or whatever. But her name came up on the screen, the very same name that was listed as the last one who sent him messages, name of the which the smile that he kept seeing in his head belongs to.

"Heyy, Assalamualaikum..."

"Waalaikumsalam... Yes, what's wrong? Is there anything that I can help?" He never got a call from her and had not expected it, and never during this time at that. He was beginning to feel the nerve up on his spine.

"..." She just stayed silent, and he felt as if the darkness of his surrounding began to creep on him.

"Hee, Happy Birthday!"

"Wha?... happy birthday?"

"Yes, Happy Birthday! It's your birthday right?"

"Yea, yea, I suppose, now it's past midnight already..." He looked at his watch, already a smile was forming on his lips. "But I thought you'd..."

"Heee. You thought I'd forget didn't you? Well, Happy Birthday again!" She sounded very cheery, contrary of what she looked like before, exhausted because of the drama night. But that's one thing about her, one moment she could be as silent as the dead, one moment she could bring life to the room.

And he was glad that night, she had shared that life for him. She's the first one ever, to wish him happy birthday, on the exact moment of the midnight moment, called him to do so, where even his own family never did that. He had never expected anyone to even know his birthday, pretty much even remember about it. And yet, here she was, out of all the person that he had expected...

As much as he was smiling so widely that it hurts, tears were fast rolling down his cheeks.

She said goodnight, she said good luck for the finals, and she said to him to have fun with whatever he was planning to do with the guys. He said goodbye, cleaned the tears off his face using his palm, and said goodbye again and a thankyou. The guys arrived, and it was time for the nightout gaming for all of them.

"Why are you smiling so much like a fool?" Asked one of them, realizing the big silly grin on his face.

"Haha, it's nothing."

"Well, let's go then. Drama night is over, and we got another week until the final exam for Asasi, let's go knock ourself out people."

He sat in front, ignoring his friends conversation beside him, and gazed at the full moon up in the sky. Perhaps this is a sign for him, a sign for him to finally open up his heart again for a girl. Perhaps this is the time that he finally step out of the shadow of the loneliness that he lived all the time as he was growing up, perhaps it is the time that he shares it all with someone that he can trust his heart with.

Someone that he can finally say that he loves, without regretting it and meaning it with all his soul...

How he forgot that he is not meant to love someone, and to be loved. How his action will affect both of them in the future. How deeply hurt he will be when she will part with him, being so close and yet so far...

Midnight, 11th of April

Everything Changes

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

Here in My Room


Tomorrow I have another paper to prepare for, which is Foundation of Education. But I guess it won't hurt to have another go at one more meaningless rambling, yeah?

Today is the Sunday 1st of November, I think, and I spend the day doing particularly nothing, but that's not the focus here. When is it about 7.00 pm or something, I went to the food court alone to, ya know, eat something for my dinner. There, I saw Fik and Ira having dinner together, and when Fik saw me, he asked me to join them together

For that, I'm really grateful and thankful to you guys. Hope I'm not disturbing you guys or anything :)

Back at Kolej Meranti, by the very first rung of the ladders, I met a black and white cat white a mask-like marking on her face, which is really cute, naturally. She was so hungry, and when I called her upon me, she just willingly followed me to my room. I was like, cool, since I haven't cuddled with a cat for quite some time now

Inside the room, I fed her with some of the letover kuih raya. Which is better, since like anyone else is going to eat that anyway. By that time, Yo had just finished bathing and when he came out of the bathroom, the cat started to follow him instead in the room. And I just watched from afar, teasing Yo like hey ya smell like chicken, that's why she followed you, or whatever

Then, when Yo was about to perform his prayer, she was left outside. When I'm about to take my own bath, she started to follow me instead, nuzzling her soft head on my feet, mewing with such rhythm that I thought she is singing, which is absurd ehh. And I'm stuck on just holding her, playing with her for quite some time and ultimately made me forgot about my bath

I really thought that I understand cats and their behaviours, after all the many cats that I had raised before, but it seems that I'm wrong

And I'm missing Etong like hell

Hati menangis siapa yang tahu

Dead Cats and Kittens

Salam. I really think that I'm going to die sooner or later

And no, its not that I'm being dramatic all over again, like I'm just saying negative thing just cause I feel for it. Heck, I even found out that I'm known because of that. There's this girl that I don't even know exist in the other group, and when Man mentioned me to her, she said I'm the emo guy from the other group

It is something inside of me, that has been keeping up with me since I was given birth to. Where I shouldn't even be here in the first place

Final exam? Sumpah tak terasa macam minggu periksa ja

Beaver Crossing

Salam. I wonder what will happen in my life if I was given guitar or piano instead of books? It's not that I'm not being grateful or whatsoever, but like I said before, I'm just wondering

I used to draw so much back then. I've been known to be the master when it comes to drawing Ultraman and his brothers. But I can't remember when did I ever stopped drawing Ultraman that I can no longer do so, and since when I feel so disgusted with my own drawing that I stopped drawing anything at all

I love to take pictures so much. I can still remember when I was so little then, I always get excited when my dad and my sister were using that very big Nikon camera that look so sophisticated and expensive that I never get a chance to hold it. Unfortunately, I still don't have any camera of my own until now, and I'm just stuck on relying on my own imagination and my forgetful mind

When I was a little child, it is so easy to fall in love with the world, because everything seems so beautiful. The lovely sounds that can be heard every morning, the sight of cat chasing after butterflies, the way everyone seems to be smiling at you. And that time also, dreams and hopes are the most sweet and fulfilling thing that could ever happen to you

Here's what I hoped to achieve in life when I was 7 years old or so~
- I want to be a fire-fighter
- I want to perform Hajj in Mekah with my parent
- I want to go to Paris, or somewhere in Europe's countryside
- I want to learn to play piano and guitar and compose my own song
- I want to paint something that make people go 'Wow'
- I want to write my own story book that can make people shed tears and also laugh along to
- I want to find myself the one girl that I love so much and have the most romantic story that I weave together with her on our own
- I want to be happy and smile everyday

It all sounds so naive yet that is what makes it all so meaningful to a child with all the possibilities of the future in front of him. And how exuberant and confident I had felt that day, thinking that I will be able to achieve all my goals in life someday...

13 years or so have passed me by, leaving that child in me behind it all. Together with the dreams and hopes, forgotten, like an old book in the deepest corner of an ancient library...

Last night, I went to McD with Zach to stay there overnight. As luck have it, I saw her again where it is the last place and time I ever thought of seeing her again. Still, as usual, she avoided looking at me, ignoring me as usual. She even took the trouble of going over to Zach to say hi at him, while really carefully making sure that she doesn't look at my direction, like I never existed at all

Like I care, even when it hurts so much. This shall be the last time I shall ever write about her in this blog, as I know that she hated me for doing so, though I'll always think of her like I always do

Beaver crossing, cause I'm such a memerang

Aku nampak dia study Literature dan Linguistics, sumpah aku terasa yang aku masih tak ready untuk final exam nanti~ Study study~~~

Bright Lights

Salam. Last Monday I wore an all-blue attire, but my heart and my eyes is only on the colour purple. And I really really hate that stairs in the INTEC library that is just beside the computer lab, everything seems to revolve there

Doesn't mean anything, really, hahaha XD

Say, have you seen a cat lately? Not the one that people keep around the house, feeding them Whiskas or Friskies according to their taste or even leftover fish, but the one that wander on the outside world without the security of love and warmth of a home, do you?

Ever seen them struggle for food? Like how they would hover around food stalls or fish market just for a bite of whatever bits they may find. And then, there goes people who go and kick them just to shoos them away, like, they can't freaking do it gently, humanly like they would treat any other creatures of Allah

Point is, such is a virtue that I'm trying to reflect on and learn, patience. Lately, many things and problems requires me to learn on how to control myself. First, to control on how to use my money. Since I'm depending on my mother's card for all my current expenses, I can't just lavishly spend it all on whatever I want. That's point one

Point two, I really need to control my anger, my words, my actions in life. I nearly, nearly lose a dear friend, again, yet again. I really hate myself for doing this again and again and again. I even come to even think that I really hate her, even though she's the only one ever that I see as close as being a sister to me. I'm used to being alone, why can't I learn to be alone and not taking other people's space...

There's some things in this world
You just can't change
Somethings you can't see
Until it gets too late

Some things in this world
Man, they don't make sense
Some things you don't need
Until they leave you
And they're things that you miss

Baby, baby, baby
When all your love is gone
Who will save me
From all I'm up against out in this world

Plus, I still can't forget about her and forgive myself for whatever had happened. I still dream about it all night, I still wish that whenever I walk around the faculty I will see that smile again... So yeah, patience for me people

I wonder whether fasting will really help me put myself together ehh?

Linguistics test esok, literature test Jumaat ni huahaha~~~

Even the Cat Knows

Salam. I just saw her today after so long, and I can't freaking help myself from writing it down despite not having done with my work. Which is nearly completion already har-har XDD

Just earlier on in the Literature class with Miss Moon (seriously, this got nothing to do with her being a Literature lecturer), we were learning about onomatopoeia, metaphor, simile, symbol, stuff. And as we came on to symbol, we learnt all about how things are symbolised to convey certain meaning, like uhh, red is the symbol of love, passion, anger, whatever

Ya know, I just saw the most beautiful and most meaningful yellow colour ever in my entire life, and I'm not gonna tell anybody what it is hoho

One can't forget, but can one forgive?

Tak pernah rasa seronok buat assignment sebelum ini XDD

Tingkap Kaca Numero Dos

Salam. Yeah I know, its been here before, the picture that is this~

Well, for those that had read my blog for long enough will know what it means. Perhaps. If anyone do even read this kind of stuff. Bottom line is that it's different what it means now for me, one way or another. So much had happened since now and then, yet everything felt as if time is going way too fast for me. Regrets, mistakes, stuff...

Can't I just turn back the time?

Kucing hitam yang sakit luaran dan dalaman itu~

The End

Salam. Yes, this is the end. There's nothing grand about this, but then again, when it first started it wasn't such a blast anyway though

So goodbye. Sorry for everything, for what I had done. For always being a fool, for thinking that I understand all of you where I didn't. For procrastinating with my works, until it affects others too. For not being able to control my anger, and always hurting the people that I care for

For being a jerk all this time, I'm sorry...

Blog tutup. Biarlah isi hati aku jadi milik aku seorang sahaja...

The Black Cat with Eyes Coloured Like The Brightest Orange In The World

Salam. Its almost near the end, Ramadhan is, and Raya will be coming soon. So perhaps I should start wishing everybody Hari Raya from now on, and start asking for forgiveness from everyone. That's a lot to be asked for, especially from a jerk like me, but still, Raya is all about forgiveness, aite?

Thanks for everything my friend
You're the only that I can trust, you're the one that's willing to listen
Even when you decided to push me away, you still cared for me
And I can't thank you enough for everything
I love you...

Listening to Ira's group presentation of Paranoia or something during Counseling class made me realize that I'm kind of paranoid and monophobic all this while before, which is kind of scary. This is one reason why I always feel uneasy when I'm in this class, as I always had something that I can relate to myself with all the situations and the scenarios...

Counseling never talks about happy gay euphoric people that smiles all day and insist of the glass being half-full, so yeah

And then another realization kicks in. Somehow, its all just seems to be a thing in a past, well at least a part of it. It seems that even with all the loneliness and the sorrow, all the things that I had witnessed and pondered upon, nineteen years of my life felt like so short. And in a peculiar way, in a way that I can't explain why with just words, I think I have changed a lot during these two years after SPM and in the same time, nothing has changed, nothing at all, both at the same time

One thing for sure, being one of the Asasi Teslians is the biggest change that has ever happened to my life, to my personality, to my view of life, to the way I carry myself in the society. I still had regret about going against my father's wish of seeing me go studying overseas and just stayed here in Shah Alam. Thus, I can't really say that I'm grateful for making this choice, but still... I really don't know what will become of me if I didn't stay here, whether I will be worse than before or better than now...

The road not taken eh? You guys remember that, the poem for literature during what form I can't remember? Where it is about two choices in life, one being the one people normally choose, and the other is what people normally avoid. I guess I had at least once in my life taken the road less taken, to make that difficult choice, heh

Even with the scars of the past journey that still hurts, the thorn that I had endured on this road less taken had made me a stronger person, to be a better man

I can only pray to Allah that I never strayed from the true path in believing in everything that I had wrote previously here in this post. Pray that I can continue learning about this life, understand more about my myself, train myself to be obedient to Allah to fulfill my duty as the khalifah in this world. Pray that I never stray, pray that I don't become just a hypocrite by the end, pray that I never succumb to the darkness again...

This is truly the most meaningful Ramadhan of my life yet, and I'm truly grateful, Alhamdulillah :)

Spontan adalah sangat-sangat best, walaupun tiru konsep Whose Line Is It Anyway, Afdlin Shauki dan yang lain terutamanya Din Beramboi berjaya membuatkan aku gelak-gelak sampai senak-senak habis perut XDDD

Ten Nights

Salam. Pejam celik, pejam celik, or eat sleep study then wander aimlessly with looks of exasperation that make you looks like a creature out of Pan's labyrinth is more like it, and suddenly, Ramadhan is almost over already

Ten days more, and then no more. Ramadhan this year is the most blissful one of all in my opinion, I don't think I can ever have enough of it just yet. And time just had to be cruel, to be so darn incredibly fast

I haven't spend more time with my friends, although during this holy month filled with blessing that a friendship that I treasure so much is saved from being forever lost. That's good, not only for me as I can breathe out relief again to be friend with them again, plus one of the reason that Allah won't accept our good deeds during fasting month is to memutuskan silaturrahim, or to sever our ties and relationship with others

So yeah, not only that we spend our fasting month without gaining anything, when we lost a friendship we are actually losing a part of ourself too, like having something important being taken away from you

I'm glad, for this Ramadhan. Yet I'm also sad, that it going to end soon...

Malam Lailatul Qadar... Mari sama-sama cari malam itu :)

I'm No Emo Teacher XD

Salam. What do you guys perceive me as?...

After two years had passed me by, all this time that she had ignored me because of what I had done to her, all this time that I cherished her memories and live in regret... Finally she had opened up to me again, and are no longer avoiding me. I'm gonna use this chance wisely to atone for my sins, all the mistakes that I had done to her

All that crying when she was suddenly alone, I'm no longer by her side... I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for doing that to her. I guess perhaps this is the reason why the same thing is happening to me right now, its just like karma, what goes around, comes around

I'm so glad to see that she is still like what she used to be, and now she's even matured than before and more God-fearing, Alhamdulillah. She's still cheery as ever, and optimistic even though the pressure of her upcoming exam is getting to her nerve. I like that about her, that's what I had always liked about her, it is somehow some kind of my inspiration back then haha

Then, she said to me that Ariff dah tak emo macam dulu, and I was like, haha seriously I'm not that emo guy you say? Plus she said that nanti jadi cikgu takleh emo-emo, the kids will hate me later on haha. Then suddenly it stuck me like an idea, that I can be better than this. I can become a better person and be this very optimistic guy who doesn't get angry at every single misfortune that I'm afflicted with. Because of this behaviour, I had always felt alone and hurt many people that I care

She showed to me indirectly that I should really look upon life with positive attitude, like how I'm used to back then with her. Yeah, perhaps I should really, really forget about this girl that I had loved so much before, and now had hated me for some reason unknown. Since she's always in my mind before, its no wonder people kept calling me emo, as I would always put up a sad face, lingering around the faculty, putting an ugly, miserable face for a show for people passing by

Thanks, Farah. You showed up again in my life as a miracle for the second time. You taught me many things during that 3 months, and now you taught me something else very important though indirectly. You're the very first person ever to say that I'm sweet, and you're the reason that I am who I am today, free to be myself and not be constrained by the fat bastard that I always see in the mirror...

Twice I had fallen in love with two people that I know should have stayed as friend, but still I followed my feelings and get hurt in the end, and them too. Really, I don't think I deserve to fall in love with another person anymore hahaha XD

I should gather a gazillion friends, but never a lover. Love certainly is not my theme in life, it seems

Sahur hari ini dekat McD, makan McFlurry, Quarter Pounder, dan Bubur Ayam McD. Sumpah kenyang sampai Maghrib nanti XDDD


Salam. Presentation on TITAS is done, no more sleepless night banging my head for the sake of something worthless, well for me that is. Whatever happen in my group, stays in my group. I don't mind them hating me for all the troubles, but I truly hate other people being judgmental on me. Back off, freaks

The lukewarm raindrops cause a deep wound,
Even to the innocent
The reason for my lost heart,
Must be my own weakness .

I'm learning Haiku right now. Probably won't do much for me currently, but it will do. Plus, I'm reading up on dictionaries, so I can improve my English. And make better poems. I like poems, yeah

Just now, I sat beside her at TESL Square. I really don't know why I did that, after all these times I had been avoiding her and watched her from afar. Whenever she's close, I feel giddy, my heartbeat rose like adrenaline suddenly swept my body away. I still feel for her like how I feel for her back then, it never changes all these time...

But it really hurt, despite all that. It hurts like hell

Balik rumah, Jitra hari Jumaat ni! Woo-hoo~!

I'm Gay, as in Happy Gay

Salam. Have I told you before somewhere in my previous post that being a teen really sucks?

I don't know why I'm really happy these past two days. And I don't know why how easily I can go back down rock-bottom in just one night. As fickle as the weather, as bitchy as having a headache huh~

She seems to be hurt, and aloof lately. Walking alone, staying in library alone. She kind of bickered at me when I talked to her earlier. Well, either it is because I'm Mickey Mouse-annoyingly-happy today or I care so much for her, perhaps both, yeah, that I just hold my tongue, let the bitter silence fills the air, sucking in oh crap!

She's a friend, a special one at that too. I just really wish that she would just open up to me, and goddamn tell me what's wrong. I get hurt easily, she get hurt easily, of course I care for her, she used to do the same to me, and I'm restless now that I can't do the same, to return the favour

And the others, I can't understand it, why you guys just won't hate me for what I did? Easy right, I don't do my work, abhor me. Criticize my lame work that I somehow finished. Damn virus, damn laptop, damn PRESENTATION! Now I'm having glances of thought of my UNGA experiences, where I was shamed in front of about a hundred people, my seniors at that. I wonder how come I still had the courage to speak in front of others anymore ehh?

Giddy, the headache's gone, but then why? I saw her just now, and she wore black too, full attire. She seems to be happy, so I'll just leave it at that, denying the bloody urge to just go to her and say hi. Hell yeah I still miss her, and she is still ignoring me like hell, like her usual self. Oh yeah, I've heard that she hates it when I write about her here. Haha, sucker~ I love you, why would in the freaking cold INTEC library would I care ehh?

Oh shit. Now I'm seeing Mickey Mouse and the lot in his show doing their silly dance right now. I blame Umar for this because he always insist on watching that lalala~ kids' show channel, and whenever I changed it to Animax, he would be screaming and throwing tantrum and my mom would usher me to just change back the channel. Ala ehh, the luxury of being the baby of the house

Wait, now why am I writing about that one? I think I'm high right now...


Weird. I'm missing the depressed and suicidal notion-loving me haha :P

Aku nak buat blog baru lah, guna profile lain~

Of Ramadhan's Pleasure and Cats and Children

Salam. First day of class in Ramadhan and somehow, I felt extraordinarily happy and things could never be wrong today. And it started on the first day of fasting month, where I quelled my anger towards a friend, and later on being so grateful of doing so

Ramadhan, a truly amazing and wondrous month, filled with many little miracles ^^. Plus, it has been raining frequently for quite a while now, which makes fasting a bit smoother to the body, and I have no qualms on this constant rain like usual, somehow

Oh yeah, another reminiscing mode began to invade my thoughts again. And of course, it is just normal for me to reminisce on my childhood memories whenever I'm in a situation where it is the easiest to pinpoint an exact memories, for example this very fasting month itself. Suddenly, my mind began to wander back to the time when all of my nephews and nieces were all gathered in my house, all of them, 13 of them fasting together in the family and having such fun. Really, I miss hanging out with the older boys outside the house, playing games with the bit younger ones, keeping the babies entertained, and teasing the girl, the only one niece that I have back then when Elsa was not born yet, almost all grown up now

Seriously, it's kind of fun to be fasting here in Shah Alam with lots of friend together, but sometimes, I can't escape the feeling of loneliness and being left out, which I'm sure everyone will feel all the same too. Being apart from family, it's a real challenge, but yeah, it's a lesson well-learnt. Like the last episode of Honey and Clover, Yamamoto realised that in order to know how much you care and love someone, you need to be further apart from them

And then, when you miss them so much, you start to realise how very important they are to you, and that's the time when you learn how to truly love someone and care for them...

And yeah, it didn't stop just there. Somehow, just somehow, at the same time too I've been missing all the cats in my life like hell. And reading Ryurisora's blog didn't help at all, now I'm starting to remember back my dreams of having my very own camera to take the pictures of the world, especially the cats huhu...

I'm missing Etong terribly. Both the cat, and the black demon plushies that I gave her...

Tetiba rasa seronok pulak kelas waktu Ramadhan haha~ Tak sabar nak buka puasa dengan every kawan yang aku ada dekat Shah Alam ini ^^

Ramadhan, the Month of Prophet Muhammad's Ummah

Salam. Today is the last day of Sya'ban, and tomorrow will be the first day of the fasting month, Ramadhan

So yeah, goodbyes to the Setan-setan cause they will be chained somewhere only Allah knows, and the doors of heaven will be open wide and the doors of hell will be close shut. So yeah, let's fill this month with darn lots of goodness that we miss upon before, like having solat sunat more often than before, zikir, selawat, tasbih, reading the al-Quran and whatever more that our bestowed mind and akal can think of

But oh hey, say hi to your inner demons, more commonly known as nafsu~ Take good care of not being defeated by that sucker of a weakness in us, I think I ate too much lately and its really getting to me now

Yes, the month of Sya'ban is supposed to be filled with many good deeds and worship to Allah, as the name of the Sya'ban itself suggest, but I think I failed on that. Plus, I think I did a lot of the otherwise more, and now I'm regretting it. One of the worst thing that could've happened is that I nearly lost a friend of mine, a very dear friend of mine. Perhaps this happened because I was so caught up in this life that I forgot to give Allah some thoughts, I played around too much and wasted a lot of time

But hey, Allah is The All Forgiving, The Most Merciful, I was still given a chance to somehow salvage a bit of that very friendship, and along the way, I was able to learn to give up my own ego and be a better man...

It has been quite a rough time before, and I'm still looking for the Tuah di Akhir Sya'ban, like how Miss Nabilah Muhaimin did. But, through all and all, I'm glad that I'm still able to be friend with her, and can finally stand up on my own and put away my despair for the sake of others and myself...

Have a full and fulfilling fasting month people. And to my friends, I will really glad to be able to break fast with you guys again, just like last year ^^

Minta maaf Atikah sebab tak habiskan draf untuk presentation Agama tuh. Aku tau aku hanya menumpang saja dalam group korang, dan aku memang tiada alasan kali ini walaupun aku memang ada benda sebelum ini... Minta maaf...


Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outerspace?
And im learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And im learning you

And if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears and
Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I’ve let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fearsand Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

if you dont mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

Sorry for Being a Jerk

Salam. I had lost something else recently, and no, its not something physical like before. I think I had lost a friendship from someone, from someone that means a lot to me

But, its not like I'm gonna think so much about it, moping around the faculty just to show my dissatisfaction or to cut myself to relieve myself of this pain. No, I don't think I'm going to do that for now, cause it may bring temporary cure to this emotional distraught, but it will affect me later on, which I think has already begun or something

I tried to smile to her just now, but she won't even look at me. Yeah, since I said to her to just leave me alone cause I don't want to burden her anymore, I guess it just took on, we won't even look at each other in the face. How hurt I am by my own ego there, how I deeply regretted ever saying that to her. I feared so much of her hating me for telling her all of my problem that I can't stand the thought, that one night I just lost all my fair judgement, saying things to hurt her, so that she will just leave me alone

And here I am, all alone, accomplished in my own stupid bravado that a man should suffer alone without depending on anyone. I tried to be what I'm used to be to only realized what a pathetic existence I had lived before, a loner that is stuck-up in his own world. It really sucks, being a teenager, and to this point late in life I only learned of this...

I don't know if I can keep on trying to smile at her and just be like back then. If she were to keep on ignoring me, I don't know if I can bear with it anymore, the guilt of shutting her away from my life. It is hard enough for me to smile to others, and to know that the one you truly care about won't appreciate your smiles...

Aisyah, I'm really sorry. I guess my ego's too big for my own good for me to say this to you personally...

Aku sedang menghabiskan sisa-sisa assignment yang tinggal...

Humour Me Silly

Salam. Alhamdulillah, I'm all better now. Though my hand is still visible black red all over, I guess that's just what left of it. No more headache, no more coughing, no more sneezing

Huh, all I need to do is to do some heavy laundry and lots of cleaning to do, since all this while all that I had done is just lie down on the bed... Which kind of sucks la man, can I have a maid in my room?

I think I'm back to being lethargic

Semua orang dah ada couple. Boleh aku jadi jejaka Melayu terakhir yang kekal single ke akhir ijazah?


Salam. Though I'm down with high fever and a major headache, I'm glad that it happened to me. I don't blame anyone for it, for I believe that ALLAH put me in this situation so that I can learn something from it. And learn something, I did

"Sometimes, we give the best of our heart uncritically to those who hardly think of us in return..."

Close Up Camera Two, Cause the Hero Dies In This Scene

Salam. Suddenly, my body were overcame with high fever, temperature rising without warning. However, when I'm just about to shrug it off by sleeping in my room, suddenly the high fever were just, gone, my temperature back to normal. And all of this happened in the period of about only two hours while I'm in the class

Oh well, as weird as it is, the hell of a headache is still there. It won't make much difference anyway should anything happen to me

Ah man... Because of this I'm being a jerk again. She talked to me first, where I thought she would never do again, but I just ignored her. And the guys, especially Azim and Danny, I irritated them so much, shouting meaningless crap to their ears and kept forcing them to play DoTA with me even though they don't have any money

Huh, since sorry won't mean a thing anymore... Guess I'm all alone again it seems heh


Picture Perfect

Salam. If a picture can convey a thousand words composed into a beautiful essay, then this would be one. Just a small fraction of a life's story, but then again, it's the little thing that matters aite?

If only Asasi Tesl 08/09 will forever be there for me and everyone else ehh? If only time does not work its dread on us all, then we all would just stay the same...

Can't friends stay as friends? Without the close one to you went far away? Without the closest one avoiding you because she thinks you had this feeling for her? Without the one that you truly like hating every bit of you?

Hell, degree had just started for me, but how I wish it will end tomorrow. And me saying this by the moment I got hold of my degree certificate...

"Now, why I choose Tesl anyway?"

Ujian komputer Selasa ini. HOHOI~

Rain's Again

Salam. It's been raining here in Jitra non-stop for about two days straight now. Back then, with such momentum there would surely be flood being formed, but no more

I can still remember the last time that I went home, that one short day that I went back because I had to settle some thing, the very morning that I arrived it started to rain. My mom told me that it hadn't been raining for quite some time, and coincidentally, I came with the rain

As if to mock me or something, the rain continued until I went back to Shah Alam that very night. And it stopped, with me leaving Jitra behind, and never to return... Well, until the next raining season, that is

Haha, oh well, forget about that. I saw the black cat that gave birth to a kitten in my house during the last break, and I suddenly remembered about her one and only kitten. When I first left Jitra to continue my study, I was so afraid that the kitten won't make it, since there would be nobody to take care of them except me. But now, when I first saw her (I still hadn't checked beneath the tail though, I'm just guessing) I was so pleasantly surprised and glad that she is well and alive

And oh, what a beauty she had become compared to the last time I had hold her ^^. Her mum a black cat, and she a bubbly ball of gray cuteness haha

Baru ja nak baik demam, kena hujan sikit ja datang balik hingus-hingus yang sungguh hingusan itu


Salam. From the event Getting 2 Know U by Ethos that day, I have been reading the Junk magazine that I got for free there. Since then, I've been listening to lots of cool songs from bands that I had never even realized existed before haha. And one of them, really caught my attention...

Your face lights up the sky on the highway.
Someday, you'll share your world with me someday.
You mesmerize me with diamond eyes;
I try to fool myself to think I'll be alright.
But I am losing all control -
My mind, my heart, my body and my soul

Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted and more.

To speak or not to; where to begin.
The way dilemmas I'm finding myself in.
For all I know you only see me as a friend
I try to tell myself wake up fool; this fairy tale's got to end.

"Never in my life have I been more sure,
So come on up to me and close the door.
Nobody's made me feel this way before;
You're everything I wanted

You're everything I wanted

Balisong by Rivermaya

Not only the tunes is the one that I like, plus the lyrics is, well, touches me haha... If only I can just turn back the time, and if only I can sing this song and play some instrument... Then I would've done so, to her, for her. If only I won't let my hatred filled my heart, then at least... Haha, darn it man. I promised myself that I won't write anything else about her, but I guess...

I guess, something just stays in your heart, even if you try so hard to forget about it...

Masih mendengar Deeper Conversation oleh Yuna hingga kini. Teringat waktu first aku baca lirik dia satu ketika dulu hahaha...

Zachariah Aidin Druckman

Salam. Yup, I'm already back here in Jitra, my home, though its not my resting place nor the place my blood was first spilled at. And wow, I never thought that I'd be back home so soon, and the grey bluish sky with sparkling stars here still looks nice as ever~

The first thing that I hear when I first came back home after I had some decent sleep post the bus travel is Umar's voice. Haha, though I'm still blurred beyond distinction like a Psyduck, I'm really glad to hear that voice again after so long. Because you know, it means a lot to me. Its good to know that someone still care for you without being a total hypocrite. Its good to know that someone still needs you by their side without being a jerk about it

Its good to know that someone misses you as much as you misses them

But oh hey, what's my nephew got to do anything with the title above eh? Haha, surely it's not his name, but rather, a friend of mine's, the main focus of this one particular post. His name, as stated earlier in the title, is Zachariah Aidin Druckman. He was born somewhere over the United States of America, where you can probably already guess his heritage, his father an American while his mom is a true Malay. He lived most of his life in Pulau Pinang however, and had been schooling over in Penang Free School before enrolling as an Asasi Tesl student, where I first meet him. Here's a pic of him...

...Which perhaps I'll do later, considering that my only source is Facebook, and that is now being a true slow ass, I can't even log in right now

Looking at his pic, perhaps you can guess that he is a vain guy, narcissistic perhaps. He is the true definition of a cam-whore person, where if you were happen to befriend him in Facebook and see all of his picture, one might hate him instantly. And that's still not face to face with him, where his arrogance and pride will make you itching to hit him, right there, on the spot

Have somebody told you that don't judge a book by its cover? Well its the truth with the case of Aidin here. He might be the most vain freak ever alive, he might be the biggest boaster people loves to hate, but he is a survivor, he is the most positive son-of-a-you-know-what that I've ever seen before. As high as he looks upon himself, he never look down upon others beside him, and he's damn proud of being a Malay, even if his look might proves otherwise

One thing that him being all proud and high is, he actually works hard to achieve whatever he said about himself. When he said he's going to be the best student of Tesl, he really studied his ass off, burning the midnight oil and make tedious notes. When he said that he's going to be the best runner in Intec, he went jogging everyday to improve his stamina. When he said that he's a good-looking Casanova (well, in a way), he's not afraid of making his own statements and went straight to the girl that he had his eyes on, like a true gentlemen

Being a sullen and depressed guy, I actually benefits a lot from this all. I learn to be more positive in life, and to procrastinate less in life. He also inspired me to study more, which inspiration's is what I need right now haha

And he's actually one of the most kind guys around, it's just that he rarely shows that side of him and yeah, its hard for people to recognize such fact since he's all bigmouthed at time and people being so judgmental... He tries to help his friends at times, me for example. He is willing to accompany me jogging every dusk, and making sure that I feel comfortable doing it, which I really needed it. And I can still remember the times that he talked about the girls that he went out with. He confessed that he had no actual feelings, or love as some dreamers might put it, for most of the girls that he dated. That's why he dumped them, no matter how hard it is, just so that nobody will get hurt in the long run...

Ironically, the only one of the girls that he actually cared for, or loved, is the only one that dumped him, saying bollocks like "I don't love you anymore, sorry". Huh, just to show you people how silly and unfair they can be ehh. When we truly loves them and care for who they really are, they never appreciate such gestures, but when we said that we can no longer be together with them, for the better sake, they throw accusations at us...

So that's it. I'm not in the mood to write more about him, it's not his biography. But yeah, I'm glad that I wrote something about him, one of the friends that I can truly call a friend. I don't care what people might say about me, getting all girly and mushy expressing my feelings over a blog, and about a guy friend at that, but who cares. People are so goddamn judgmental, I've became so bitter to even care about it

Hey, I no longer write about a friend who turns out to be a hypocrite. I no longer write about this girl that I'm used to like, who thinks I'm so obessed with her and all the shits I write here is all about her

Hoo-yeah, I feel good haha~

Al-Fatihah kepada Yasmin Ahmad yang telah pergi dulu meninggalkan dunia ini pada pukul 11.25 pm, 25 Julai 2009 iaitu malam aku pulang ke rumah. Semoga dia ditempatkan di kalangan mereka yang beriman... Sekarang baru aku teringat, aku ada berjanji dengan seseorang untuk tengok filem Sepet, tapi sampai sekarang masih kempunan...

There's going to be a dull silence the next raya and year around. Sapa yang mampu isi tempat kekosongan ini?