Start the Genocide

Salam. Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to every Muslims out there. I know it's late already, but it's the thought that counts aite?

I heard someone ridiculed me and my family again. When that certain someone learned that I also took TESL, language study as my sisters did, she kind of like belittled the fact. Heh, hey, this is my choice, who are you to judge what I do in this life, what I am to be that I choose to be. And she, she thought that she had a degree in chemical engineering, she's better than the lots of us. But yeah, in the end she ended up as a teacher anyway, who are you to say

If I were to say that directly to that certain someone, I will hurt her. No matter how much I want to do it, I've hurt enough people

And seriously, I'm thinking of deleting this blog. Or perhaps to just leave it alone to rot in the cyberspace

"You're rotten, I'm rotten, all humans are rotten. Let's start killing each other already." I want a t-shirt adorning these words XD

Aku dah semakin bulat

Perfectly Lonely

Salam. Just a little parting gift song called Perfectly Lonely by John Mayer for everyone who still read this crappy piece of a blog haha. Yeah, I think this the one song that can perfectly define what I am currently. Perhaps it will change, but for the mean time, I'm heading back to Jitra perfectly lonely

Had a little love
But I spread it thin
Falling in her arms at night again
I made a bad name for my game round town
Tore out my heart and shut it down

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little a kind of free
Nothing to do
No one but me
That's is all I need

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me

I see my friends around from time to time
When the ladies let us slip away
And when they ask me how I'm doing with mine
This is always what I say

Nothing to do
Nowhere to be
A simple little kind of free
Nothing to do
No one to be
Is it really hard to see?

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
Nobody belongs to me

And his is not to say
There never comes a day
I take my chances and start again
And when I look behind
On all my younger times
I have to thank the wrongs
That led me to a love so strong

I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
I'm perfectly lonely
Cause I don't belong to anyone
And nobody belongs to me

That's the way x3
That I want it
That's the way x3
That I want it
That's the way x3
That I want it
That's the way x3
That I want it

I think I will be fine. To that certain someone, I'm sorry that I'm not gonna be there for you for the rest of the holiday, but like, yeah... Who am I to you kan? I'm just a nobody, a stranger who listens, but even sometimes you won't even tell me what's wrong...

Have fun. I'm having fun being alone today XD

Wahhh, dah lama tak balik Jitra. Tak sabar nak keluar dengan budak2 tu lagi, tengok wayang, main gitar, badminton, tengok bola ramai2, dengan makan kueyteow dekat Ghani heee~ XDDD

Home Baby, Home!

Salam. Hey, I think my days of missing home will be over soon. It's high time I get out of this stupidly alluring life of pleasure, and start bathing myself in the sunlight again

Seriously people, my skin hasn't been spoiled by sunlight for quite a few days now

Haha well, that's it. I won't be around as much here as I used to be. I know no one will miss me, as much as how I will miss them, kan kan? Can't wait for the next sem to start again, though I do have some worries about some other things. Some other things like my result, a place to stay, that unfinished business. But hey, like they said, pleasures come with troubles in a package, can't be without each other, so yeah, lol

I will really miss this place. Though I still didn't learn how to play guitar, nevertheless the piano that is there. Perhaps I'm never meant to learn how to play it after all, however time will tell. And that little baby, haha. My ears will be so relieved that I will no longer have to bear all that screaming and crying, but yeah, I'll miss that little nuisance that always hang around with me, keeping me company for at least a little while

At least, I won't feel disturbed anymore. For example, hearing something stupid like...

"Saya sayang dia lebih daripada kamu", which a few moment later followed by...

"Why won't you listen to me, your own mother?!",

Yeah, I wonder that myself. Totally, what could've gone wrong ehh, what with your way of raising them is so perfect. Hey, I know that I'm just an inexperienced fool who doesn't even know his own place in this world, but really, it take no genius to tell that it is just wrong to tell someone that you love them less than someone else, especially if you're supposed to love them all the same. Imagine, you have no one else, and the one that you can only trust said that I don't love you like I loved someone else, how will you feel ehh?

Oh well, it has been fun while it lasted. Home is the place I need to be right now, and that's where I'm going to go to...

Or perhaps not. Xkcd is so much fun I tell you, as much as Ray William Johnson haha XD. Man, I'm so gonna miss the luxury of limitless Internet

And oh yeah, my Dashboard is being such a backside. The timing has been totally upsetting, notifying a new post later than they should be, a day at that. Grr, if only I can kick at something, or myself if I could

I think I had made someone very upset again :/

Nak habis download game semua. Movie dengan anime semua memang dah tak sempat daa huhu T_T


Salam. Here I am again, not sleeping during night time like a normal human being supposed to. I wonder what effect it will have on my body, as last semester I had frequent headache out of it. Back then I stayed up doing last minute assignments and study, so I guess it's okay? Lately my eyes have been blurry, but I've been through that also, so I won't worry much

Today I plan to sleep early... Truly... But today's feeling is not good at all. Not good at all...

What am I doing, someone might ask. The perfect cover is yeah, I'm playing games. Alongside that, I watch movies, download them and some anime and games too. Yeah, pretty much it is just that, and it does get lonely sometimes. But lately, those two boys have slept late themselves, giving me a bit of companion for a little while. That is, until they go to sleep eventually...

And yeah, it does get lonely. Why do I even bother staying up this late, when all I can do during this time can also be done during some other time...

I saw you just now, online. In fact, I saw you online since 10 p.m or something. It's been a while since I've seen your presence anywhere, and I must admit, I feel quite elevated because of that. And again, I can do nothing, you see. Helpless before the screen, wanting to so much say something to you, yet I know I can't because of my own past mistake...

I sincerely hoped that you will say something to me, or at least buzzed me, and then if you want to ignore me again, I don't care. During this time of the night, I was waiting, and waiting for a miracle to happen. Whatever I do during this time, I would sometimes pause and take a glance at the desktop, madly hoping that your name appears...

You know, I've waited so long for you. And when you are there, there's nothing that I can do. Yes, I know that all these hopes are in vain, futile as one might put it, but I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting. I've neglected many thing, so many thing for something that is not very certain, yet I still cling on dearly on it, as if my life depends on it...

Why do I still wait for you? My friends tell me to get over you, they tell me that it's not my fault for thing happens this way, it is your choice and there's nothing that I can do. Some even say that you don't deserve me, but how can that be, it was me who hurt you isn't it? I nod, I say yes in acceptance of what they say, but my heart sways from any rational thinking... Still I'm waiting for you...

Why do I still wait for you? Sometime it hurts me so much, it is unbearable. I know I shouldn't cry, so I just keep it all inside, tightly inside. Why do I still wait for you? Sometime it hurts me so much, it just broke out. I know I shouldn't cry, but when I do see your face, and seeing that kind of hatred to me, I no longer can keep it inside. My eyes hurt, perhaps because I've been holding it back for so long...

Am I just a fool? I just wanted to be a friend. I'm not worth it to be anything more to you, I understand that now. Is it a sin to be still thinking about you? Sometimes I feel so guilty, sometimes I feel like that it is something that I should do, as a human being. Why do I still wait for you?

I just don't know anymore...

I see that you have changed now. Even you looks different from before, I don't know, happier perhaps? And you no longer show your weakness to others ever again, as proved from your writing lately. You have been so strong before, I admires you for that, and now you are stronger, perhaps...

I can never understand you, so I get it if you hate me for trying to...

Why do I still wait for you? Can you just tell me, please?...

Makan daging Raya Haji niii XDD

You Don't See What I See

Salam. I haven't done anything constructing in my life since the holiday started, and I've begun to miss my home terribly now. Well since I've been homesick even before the holiday started, at least I can still bear with it a little bit longer

Before I went crazy, that is. Expect a newspaper headline like, "Student died out of homesickness", or "Student on a homesick rampage in city", or something like that

Lately, I've been playing Final Fantasy IX again, credits to Eifham Syah as thanks to him I can play PSOne games on my laptop hee~, and I've technically stopped doing anything else haha. It was like back then during the time where the only games that I play is role-playing games, or better known as RPG, and I just stared at the TV screen all day long absorbing all the beautiful music and mesmerizing storylines and colourful and impactful characters haha

So yeah, let me indulge in this little fantasy world of my own for a little bit, and just leave me be haha. When the next sem starts, I'll be back again :P

I dreamt I was a butterfly
I couldn't tell if I was dreaming
But when I woke, I was I and not a butterfly
Was I dreaming that I was the butterfly,
or was the butterfly dreaming that it was me?
Even if there's a difference between the butterfly and I,
the distinction isn't absolute
And there is no relationship of cause and effect.

Soshi (Medieval Date Unknown)

Seriously, I've forgotten most of what I've learned in the Foundation of Education syllabus right after the final exam, especially on Confucianism. Like it mattered anyway, yeah? Hohoho~

Kalau lah aku boleh terbang, dah lama aku terbang balik Jitra. Kepak sepasang~!

PS: Sesapa ada perasaan the sense of nihilism dalam post ni? Sapa dapat teka what is the symbol of nihilism in this post is, tell me and nanti aku belanja makan haha :P

Between the Light and the Darkness

Salam. I have been trying to stay awake since yesterday, and it's already started to affect me. My eyes had become so blurry, and every rush of wind that passes through my body feels like a sweep to tumble me down. I think it is just a matter of time before I really passes out, or just closes my eyes... Which is very unlikely

I just need to jot this down, and let out a scream. Perhaps then I'll be fine, or at least better

There's something that I wanted tell everybody, or at least someone. But, I can't find myself to do it, not even with someone that I trust. Because I had just felt like that there are actually no one that I can really trust. And to see me in the past being able to do so, so absolutely capable of doing it so but not now, I'm so hating myself now for that...

I feel so useless. He called me stupid all this while I was growing up. She sees me as the spoilt last son who always depend on others in life, and can't do a thing right in this life. And I so hate myself for believing in them sometimes. For every mistakes that I do, I don't ever seem to learn from them, and they kept condemning me for that. It had lead to me feeling like yeah, they are right, I'm so useless after all, can't do a thing right

So why I keep on doing whatever I am doing right now? All the steps that I take, all the endeavour for the sake of the so-called purpose in life. If he really just regard me as a stupid person, why bother see me going to school, going to college to learn anything at all, so why should I? And if she really hates me for my uselessness, then why I should even bother LIVING IN THIS WORLD, when I see her as an inspiration, so much that what I had decided for my future is based on her? If the people that were supposed to love you and care for you the most in this world do so to you, then what does it mean TO BE LOVED, and TO LOVE?

As much as I hate it, I can only see darkness in front of me. I just want to be free of this all, I can't bear with it anymore. I just want to be free, even if it means, even if it means...

I want so much to get away, to have that perfect escapism, but it seems that's not what it's meant to be, well, at least according to my own body who act on its own accord. Everytime I just feel like giving up, like to just run away, my body tingles with weird excitement, pushing me forward. Whenever I had done something terribly wrong, and my fragile heart can't put up with it and just want to run away, my body forcibly made me to confront it, no matter how lost the situation might be...

The thought of her always came to me at such a moment, somehow giving me strength even more powerful than adrenaline can ever give. And true enough, we weak humans will only remember Allah whenever we are at our weakest point, when we needed Him the most. No matter how ashamed I am, how useless I am, I feel the need to move on again, to do what I need to do

She must've prayed for me 5 times a day, which must explain why I'm so damn lucky everyday in my life, and how I've been safe from any danger. I can still remember, there was this time that I was nearly struck by a bus near a roadside, I thought I was going to die for sure, and afterward she called me to know how I am doing. And I have the audacity to even think about giving up, when she had put up all her hopes in me since I was born...

I made terrible mistakes, and inevitably, I will continue to do so. However, I will not let it sunder my spirit ever again, instead I will brave it all, if not for my sake, then for the sake of them who truly cares for me...

Aku nak balik Kedah, nak balik rumah. Aku rasa macam dah tak diundang dah dekat sini...

Friendship, as the Word Means

Salam. Right now, if someone were to ask me, what is the most happiest moment in my life, I finally have an answer for that, however with an addition that I will say that it is also the most saddest moment in my life. The answer will be real simple, which is the midnight of 11th April, 2009. And I'm never gonna tell a soul of why is it so

Okay, enough useless babbling

Let's talk about something that is very common in our life, which is something called friendship. So okay, what's the deal with me to suddenly talk about friendship whereas I'm so far away from any, even though I had realized from before that a friendship is sometime more fragile when people are separated far away, pretty much like the lover's logic

Thing is, in the Facebook, suddenly last night people were suddenly philosophizing about friendship, all of a sudden. And not just one, two, or three people, but yeah, more than that that it got me thinking, why, isn't it the holiday or something, things that just don't matter. And I thought that so okay, let them be, I won't have a say because I'm just not smart and intelligent enough to join discussion, plus I don't have any recent accident to relate myself into

Later after midnight, I found that is to be a bit farfetched, as I, myself, like all those people, are having my friendship and belief being tested by fate

An old friend of mine, from high school, which I haven't met since after our SPM examination, commented something on one of my status. That one comment really pissed me off, and my mood was spoilt, that rotten temper of mine has gotten control of me once again. I was like, how dare he said that after we haven't seen each other for such a long long time

At first, I thought of just deleting him from my friends' list. However, I retaliated back by putting up a status to just leave me alone, and he gave another comment, showing that aggressiveness still, yet seemed to be like really lost. I was up to another bashing, like a true cowardly keyboard warrior would...

Until I had realized that, I'm being controlled by my anger, and because of that, I'm going to lose another friend because of it...

It hurts so much before, no way I'm going to let it happen again. I had, somehow, ignore this ego that dwells inside of me, and asked of him, just what the hell is wrong, and as weird as it feels to say sorry first, I did to him. And only then, he said sorry to me, and explained that he was just sleep-deprived and can't think straight because he will have his final exam next week. Things was settled then, and we remained friends still

For even a small matter, our friendship was nearly broken in half. All the good and bad memories for that two precious years, all the goofing off in the bath hall, forming a study group together, playing basketball every evening during riadah time and every weekends right after Subuh prayers... I'm just glad, that we both can still cherish that memories and not look back in anger...

What is friendship, or rather, what is a, friend? One might ask, what is a friend? Just for a companion when in happier times? Some might say that to never trust 100% a friend, because they only use you for their own benefits, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. There are even people that even go to the length of saying that the notion of friendship is a lie, it is just a social play used to control the society. Whatever

As for me, I don't have the answer myself. I had lived for more than 19 years in this world, yet even with the few more remaining more moments perhaps I won't even get a hint of what is it all about. But I do know this, once you're considered as my friend, you're something that I will always treasure in my heart, and I will never forsake it ever again

No matter what I might say, no matter what mistakes I might do, no matter what will happen...

Boleh aku tanya something tak?
Hah, tanya jela
What is uhh...
Erm, what do you really feel about me?
...As a friend, of course
A... friend ehh?
Yup! =)
Oh, okay...
Haa, nape?
Haha, its nothing lahh~! So like, we are friends kan?
Yup, kawan. Heee~

Friends forever aite?
Friends forever

Drama Night

He stood under the trees in the dark, waiting beside the old-looking Saga car. Even though it was unusually warm that night plus that he is very tired from before, he was very calm, his face betraying nothing of what he is actually feeling inside. As he gazed at the full moon in the sky, he can still remember that smile that made it all worth it, to made the night a night to remember for the rest of his life.

He took another glance at the last message that he got from before. This time, he can't help it but to just let out a hint of smile at the corner of his mouth.

"Thanks for the balloon =)"

A sigh, and then another smile, a bigger one in fact. The watch's needle is about to strike midnight, yet the friends that he is waiting for was still not there, and he sighed again. This particular midnight was both significant and insignificant for him, in a way that even he himself can't explain. He wondered of whether he should just told them all about it, for at least if even things would just stay the same, at least there would be some acknowledgement, something that has always been missing the last year's midnight, and the previous one before.

He shook his head hard. It doesn't matter, whether they know or not. It's what the night is all about was all that matters. The team has tried their hardest to pull off the best play and acting they ever had done in their life, and all the hard work, the bickering, the time lost for this night, it was the utmost importance. He never cared all these time before, why should he be this year? He had sacrificed so many for his friends before as his friends did for him, that's everything enough for him.

She smiled at him today. She talked to him, wished him good luck for the play. And today, he felt real close to her for the first time, and not as just some mutual friend of the batch like how he had seen her as before this.

But he knew, nothing will ever change how he feels for the opposite. He knew that he will end up hurting her, and also himself. The past experience had taught him to never open himself to others ever again. He will always just view her as a friend, nothing will ever change...

Suddenly, his phone ringed, and he picked it up from the top of the car. He thought it was them guys, perhaps they are caught up in something or whatever. But her name came up on the screen, the very same name that was listed as the last one who sent him messages, name of the which the smile that he kept seeing in his head belongs to.

"Heyy, Assalamualaikum..."

"Waalaikumsalam... Yes, what's wrong? Is there anything that I can help?" He never got a call from her and had not expected it, and never during this time at that. He was beginning to feel the nerve up on his spine.

"..." She just stayed silent, and he felt as if the darkness of his surrounding began to creep on him.

"Hee, Happy Birthday!"

"Wha?... happy birthday?"

"Yes, Happy Birthday! It's your birthday right?"

"Yea, yea, I suppose, now it's past midnight already..." He looked at his watch, already a smile was forming on his lips. "But I thought you'd..."

"Heee. You thought I'd forget didn't you? Well, Happy Birthday again!" She sounded very cheery, contrary of what she looked like before, exhausted because of the drama night. But that's one thing about her, one moment she could be as silent as the dead, one moment she could bring life to the room.

And he was glad that night, she had shared that life for him. She's the first one ever, to wish him happy birthday, on the exact moment of the midnight moment, called him to do so, where even his own family never did that. He had never expected anyone to even know his birthday, pretty much even remember about it. And yet, here she was, out of all the person that he had expected...

As much as he was smiling so widely that it hurts, tears were fast rolling down his cheeks.

She said goodnight, she said good luck for the finals, and she said to him to have fun with whatever he was planning to do with the guys. He said goodbye, cleaned the tears off his face using his palm, and said goodbye again and a thankyou. The guys arrived, and it was time for the nightout gaming for all of them.

"Why are you smiling so much like a fool?" Asked one of them, realizing the big silly grin on his face.

"Haha, it's nothing."

"Well, let's go then. Drama night is over, and we got another week until the final exam for Asasi, let's go knock ourself out people."

He sat in front, ignoring his friends conversation beside him, and gazed at the full moon up in the sky. Perhaps this is a sign for him, a sign for him to finally open up his heart again for a girl. Perhaps this is the time that he finally step out of the shadow of the loneliness that he lived all the time as he was growing up, perhaps it is the time that he shares it all with someone that he can trust his heart with.

Someone that he can finally say that he loves, without regretting it and meaning it with all his soul...

How he forgot that he is not meant to love someone, and to be loved. How his action will affect both of them in the future. How deeply hurt he will be when she will part with him, being so close and yet so far...

Midnight, 11th of April

Everything Changes

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
Would it matter anyway?
Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose
The closet you cannot close
The devil in you I suppose
'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say
In moments of disarray
Succumbing to the games we play
To make sure that it's real

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you
Who knows what we could do
If we can just make it through
The toughest part of the day

But everything changes
If I could
Turn back the years
If you could
Learn to forgive me
Then I could
Learn how to feel
Then we could
Stay here together
And we could
Conquer the world
If we could
Say that forever
Is more than just a word

If you just walked away
What could I really say?
And would it matter anyway?
It wouldn't change how you feel

Here in My Room


Tomorrow I have another paper to prepare for, which is Foundation of Education. But I guess it won't hurt to have another go at one more meaningless rambling, yeah?

Today is the Sunday 1st of November, I think, and I spend the day doing particularly nothing, but that's not the focus here. When is it about 7.00 pm or something, I went to the food court alone to, ya know, eat something for my dinner. There, I saw Fik and Ira having dinner together, and when Fik saw me, he asked me to join them together

For that, I'm really grateful and thankful to you guys. Hope I'm not disturbing you guys or anything :)

Back at Kolej Meranti, by the very first rung of the ladders, I met a black and white cat white a mask-like marking on her face, which is really cute, naturally. She was so hungry, and when I called her upon me, she just willingly followed me to my room. I was like, cool, since I haven't cuddled with a cat for quite some time now

Inside the room, I fed her with some of the letover kuih raya. Which is better, since like anyone else is going to eat that anyway. By that time, Yo had just finished bathing and when he came out of the bathroom, the cat started to follow him instead in the room. And I just watched from afar, teasing Yo like hey ya smell like chicken, that's why she followed you, or whatever

Then, when Yo was about to perform his prayer, she was left outside. When I'm about to take my own bath, she started to follow me instead, nuzzling her soft head on my feet, mewing with such rhythm that I thought she is singing, which is absurd ehh. And I'm stuck on just holding her, playing with her for quite some time and ultimately made me forgot about my bath

I really thought that I understand cats and their behaviours, after all the many cats that I had raised before, but it seems that I'm wrong

And I'm missing Etong like hell

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