Between the Light and the Darkness

Salam. I have been trying to stay awake since yesterday, and it's already started to affect me. My eyes had become so blurry, and every rush of wind that passes through my body feels like a sweep to tumble me down. I think it is just a matter of time before I really passes out, or just closes my eyes... Which is very unlikely

I just need to jot this down, and let out a scream. Perhaps then I'll be fine, or at least better

There's something that I wanted tell everybody, or at least someone. But, I can't find myself to do it, not even with someone that I trust. Because I had just felt like that there are actually no one that I can really trust. And to see me in the past being able to do so, so absolutely capable of doing it so but not now, I'm so hating myself now for that...

I feel so useless. He called me stupid all this while I was growing up. She sees me as the spoilt last son who always depend on others in life, and can't do a thing right in this life. And I so hate myself for believing in them sometimes. For every mistakes that I do, I don't ever seem to learn from them, and they kept condemning me for that. It had lead to me feeling like yeah, they are right, I'm so useless after all, can't do a thing right

So why I keep on doing whatever I am doing right now? All the steps that I take, all the endeavour for the sake of the so-called purpose in life. If he really just regard me as a stupid person, why bother see me going to school, going to college to learn anything at all, so why should I? And if she really hates me for my uselessness, then why I should even bother LIVING IN THIS WORLD, when I see her as an inspiration, so much that what I had decided for my future is based on her? If the people that were supposed to love you and care for you the most in this world do so to you, then what does it mean TO BE LOVED, and TO LOVE?

As much as I hate it, I can only see darkness in front of me. I just want to be free of this all, I can't bear with it anymore. I just want to be free, even if it means, even if it means...

I want so much to get away, to have that perfect escapism, but it seems that's not what it's meant to be, well, at least according to my own body who act on its own accord. Everytime I just feel like giving up, like to just run away, my body tingles with weird excitement, pushing me forward. Whenever I had done something terribly wrong, and my fragile heart can't put up with it and just want to run away, my body forcibly made me to confront it, no matter how lost the situation might be...

The thought of her always came to me at such a moment, somehow giving me strength even more powerful than adrenaline can ever give. And true enough, we weak humans will only remember Allah whenever we are at our weakest point, when we needed Him the most. No matter how ashamed I am, how useless I am, I feel the need to move on again, to do what I need to do

She must've prayed for me 5 times a day, which must explain why I'm so damn lucky everyday in my life, and how I've been safe from any danger. I can still remember, there was this time that I was nearly struck by a bus near a roadside, I thought I was going to die for sure, and afterward she called me to know how I am doing. And I have the audacity to even think about giving up, when she had put up all her hopes in me since I was born...

I made terrible mistakes, and inevitably, I will continue to do so. However, I will not let it sunder my spirit ever again, instead I will brave it all, if not for my sake, then for the sake of them who truly cares for me...

Aku nak balik Kedah, nak balik rumah. Aku rasa macam dah tak diundang dah dekat sini...