Love Me Because of Allah, and I'll Love You the Same

So you know, I've heard this story from around the neighbourhood, and it's a true story. It's just a simple story, but amazing nevertheless, and I feel like sharing a bit :)

There's this man, and he's from Kelantan. He's happily married to a girl, and was blessed with many beautiful children. However, one day his short-lived happiness was cut short by an unfortunate event, where his wife got into an accident and was paralyzed from head to bottom. Such a tragedy would have broken any other man, but he somehow persevered, and went on to take care of his wife and his children dutifully. For one whole year, he tended to his wife's need. Every lunch break he'd rushed to the hospital, and in the evening right after he was finished he would go straight to the hospital and stayed there by his wife's side until tomorrow morning

His wife died eventually, leaving him and their children alone in this world. He went on to live as a single father, taking good care of his children and never got remarried again

There's this woman, and she's from Kedah. She's happily married to a man, and was blessed with many beautiful children. They were together for a very long time, having the luxury of watching their children to grow up perfectly and living the blessed life of husband and wife. However, one day her husband was struck down by a terrible disease and he was paralyzed from the middle all the way to the legs. He had to stay on a wheelchair 24/7, and because of that, he lost his job. For three whole years, she had to take care of him and put up with all his despair and disappointment all by herself

Her husband died eventually, leaving her alone in this world. Their children was all grown up and have a place of their own now, leaving her cursed to a world of loneliness

They are the perfect example of a loving human being, unselfish to the end. They stayed by their significant other, through every thick and thin, without asking for anything in return. And now, after everything that they had gone through, Allah meets them up together, and soon they will be married to each other. Isn't that just fair, a loyal person with another loyal one? :) Alhamdulillah, and Barakatullah always to them

I've heard from somewhere I can't remember that, whoever we are married to in this world will be with us at Syurga too, given that they love each other because of Allah. I've also heard that if we are married with so many person in this life, we will be with the best spouse in Syurga. I just can't help it but smile at such acknowledgment, wondering of who will accompany me, now and forever, literally

I know I'm still too young, too naive, and too inexperienced to even think about such matter. But should Allah grants me the chance of sharing this love, this eternity love, I will make the best out of it. Even if I'm meant to stay alone in this world, I know there's a reason for all of it, and there will be no regret in my heart

Now I'm letting go of the past, and live the life to the fullest, no more regret :D

Regression of Personality

Who in the world doesn't miss his or her own childhood? Well, perhaps some unfortunate people who had it real harsh back then probably won't agree, but yeah, most of us do and really miss the time our younger times, be it sweet or bitter

My memory of my childhood is very vague in its reality to me. I sometimes wonder whether I even existed before, like in some mysterious way I just popped out of anywhere, and am who I am today. That is so exaggerating it, I know, but I'm just want to show how serious it is to me, how I'm feeling as a reaction to it. Sometimes it scares me, like, when I looked back into my life, I can only see a black hole, a nothingness filled with darkness. All I have is the story that my parent and my siblings have told me, but even that feels like lies, as I have no recollection whatsoever of it

Lately, I'm feeling a bit uneasy. Like, somehow I'm not being in control of myself sometimes. Doing things that normally I won't do, which I wouldn't discuss here. Sometimes I put myself into a risk, sometimes I do something really stupid. And only just recently I had realized it that I'm actually very childish now, and the weird thing is that it feels like I will become more and more childish as time passes on, contrary on that I should get matured as I grow older, not the other way around

But, on a more positive note, this me that I am now is actually pushing me to be a better person in life. I know that I'm a changed person from the last few years back, by looking at how I view myself, how I interact with other people by my side. I'm still a painfully shy guy, but at least now when I already get to know someone, I'm able to make myself comfortable of being with them, unlike back then where I hardly trust anyone, and it takes so much time for me to open up to anyone

I used to be afraid of the dark. Whenever I sleep, I need the light to be turned on until I sleep. But now, I can't sleep unless I'm fully embraced by the darkness. I feel warm and safe by the absence of light. I used to be fine of just being alone. In fact I kind of enjoyed the loneliness that I had, because I don't need to put up with all the belittling and damnation around me. But now, I'm like someone who is mono-phobic. I hate it when I'm alone, and when people just ignore me when I'm right in front of them, like they won't even register my existence

The thing I really wanted to say is that, I miss myself, I miss Ariffuddin Yusof, as corny as that may sound. The more I wanted control in my life, the more it seems like it is slipping away from me. Isn't it to be yourself is to be free of yourself, to be just living the life as it is, given that we perform our duty to Allah? As lost and confused of who I really am, I can still remember a time when I was little, that I am me, in and out of life, completely endearing every bit of it

I was with my mom, just the two of us. I think at that time, we were both watching the sky. I asked her, where we all come from. She said it was a pure nothingness. I then visualized what's it like to be in a pure nothingness, but nothing came up. Only when I closed my eyes, then I can see or at least fathom a little bit of what a pure nothingness is all about. I was suddenly terrified, I cried at the thought of a pure nothingness

However, she calmed me down, stroking my hair as she whispered soft and comforting words into my ear. She said that Allah created us all, Allah has given us the life in this world, therefore I must be thankful for that. Still shaken from before, I realized that should Allah do not granted me this life that I have right now, I would be a part of the pure nothingness, an engulfing darkness with no end. I hugged my mom so hard as if I can't let her go, and promised to myself to be the best human being I can ever be

I already forgot the feeling I had then, plus the memory of that time is already vague in my mind. But still, it is something worth to strive for in this life. Especially now, when I need it the most

As I lay down, I can just hope and doa that I won't go astray from the right path predetermined for me since birth. I can just hope and doa that all of this confusion is just a test for me to make me stronger, and will go away when the time is right...