Cats, Cats and More Cats

Owh hey, take a look at this pics...

This is a kitten I found inside somebody's room when I was exploring the college. As I was so bored and got nothing else better to do, (tipu betul, assignment bnyk x siap XD), I decided to stick around and entertain the little kitty for a while.

I found out that this little kitty is quite the active one, she kept biting my fingers like fish chips, complete with the saliva drooling from her mouth. But after a while, she stopped chomping my hand when she clearly seems to be tired. That's when she started to suck in my hand, like a kitten sucking her mother's teat for milk.

That caught me flabbergasted at first, but then I started to wonder. Perhaps she got separated from her mother so early that she still needed milk for her growth, thus the hand sucking. I suddenly started to reminisce on the past, especially on the memories of my past cats. In my head, the picture of my first cat that I owned ever surfaced, which coincidentally looks very much like the kitten I'm holding then.

What a weird day. I'm holding a kitten that resembles my first ever kitty, and I spent the rest of the afternoon reminiscing about all the cats that I had ever owned, sired by that very own cat. Maybe its because I've never played around with cats since such a long time that I didn't remember it myself... *Sigh...

Heheh, bloopers :P

Emo Sucks

Ahh, lately, I've been so negative about myself. Some have even accused of me being an emo person, and I started to believe it myself. I don't know whether I should put the blame on the misfortune that has been happening to me lately, or to acknowledge that it is fate and just let it go.

OK, both option is very negative, and about the same too. I'll change myself for the better, to be more positive. Beside, that's what she told me to do, and I shall do it.

The title is not to hurls insult at emos everywhere, as it may sound. Apologies

A Girl's Tear

First of all, let me admit that I'm a bit, teeny bit crybaby. When I was a bit younger back then, I always cry whenever my lovable parents distance away even just a bit from me. Sad songs, don't literally makes me cry on the spot, but with the correct fusing with a sad memory, any songs will be enough to catalyst a cry. And dead relative, that would really sucks, as I will just lose myself completely...

Now, why the hell am I going all the trouble of telling this? It's supposed to be a secret so nicely hidden inside myself, no one ever able to know about it, so why? As I'm writing this further, I kept exchanging glances between the Publish Post button and the post itself, wondering whether I should do it or not.

Some days ago, maybe Wednesday, maybe Thursday, I was hanging out around a mate's room. Fooling around a bit, suddenly I noticed two guys were talking inside a room, well not exactly with each other, but one was talking with someone else on the phone, with the loudspeaker on. Curiosity got me by the neck, insisting that I go to check it out. I usually don't bother such scenario, but that night instinct won the moral match.

I heard a girl's cry. Oh okaaay ;I . There's this guy talking to her, no, it was more of a consoling. I eavesdropped on the conversation(the guys didn't mind at all), and I finally got a grasp of what's truly happening here, regarding my past knowledge and the fact that I know them all that are involved.

There's this girl, labelled S, and a guy, labelled A, that went into the deep world of Malaysian couples together. It was all so innocent, all of us were just starting to start our very own university life, and they decided to do it together. They went out to the McD together, SMSed every night, and so on. A love story, typical yet each with a unique story of their own, and to them, their story was one to be cherished together.

And it so happened that time past by everyone's life. A, which is a class rep, a top-class athlete, a charming actor, and an aspiring singer, happened to realize that his university lifestyle is not kind enough to let him off with S for a lover's charade. He has his priority straight, the gf is one rung below his education. So he decided to part ways with the girl, a temporary break-up.

S, understandably, can't see why this is so. She cried, and demanded that A talks to her, which he avoided doing since some time. And at the almost-there-climax-of-it-all, I was there when S finally called a friend, the guy that was talking on the phone with her, to demand that A to tell her the truth. I just sat there, as the drama unfolded in front of me, and I just can't helping myself to think...

Why did she cry, was it because she loved him?

I cry a lot, especially when (confidential), but I never had before cried for someone that I loved deeply, other than my own family and relatives. I used to have a girlfriend once, and we got separated. I don't remember crying because of her, though its mainly because I'm the one who left her. Yet, I used to cared for her deeply and I am still thinking about her sometime. Yet, the tears were never there to cherish her, to cherish my love towards her.

OK, I went a little too mushy over here. But that's just my weaknesses. When I heard the S' cries, I became curious about it, and given many thoughts about it, and poof, the post here. Maybe I wrote too long again, and I doubt anybody will read until the finish. So my last thought here, on the last sentence...

I really have soft spot against crying woman, so people please, don't cry in front of me. I shed them as easily as watching others got hurt

Lost In Translation?

Alah, really la kan, Malaysia nih sumer paham bahasa Malaysia kan? Naper plak nak ade slang2 nih hah, pehal? Mungkin kos faktor penempatan yg berbeza, maka wujudlah slang2 nih yee?

Aku kira pa. Sukati aku la aku nak bantai carut pa pon kan? Hang tak paham ka aku kesah pa. Buleh depa orang shah alam buat dek ja aku cakap kedah. Macam hangpa semua tak penah dengaq orang utara cakap. Nasib hangpa semua juai nasi roti ayaq nak bagi aku makan. Tidak jenuh aku dok cakap hangpa semua dok tak paham2 and lastly aku jugak terkebil kebil tak dapat makan.

I guess its back to basic eh? In this case its back to baku Malay. Gosh, how I forgot that I live in a vastly populated and have multicultural society Malaysia. Being in Kedah since I learned how to speak at the age of five sure have harden my soul and tongue with pure Kedahan feel. So basically my everyday normal communication will be held with the Kedahan Malay slang.

The other slang I've ever heard my entire life is KLlites and Kelantanese. OK, since both my sis live around Selangor area, I had my bit on speaking KLlites slang, so I'm quite used to them. Kelantanese, these kind of slang is very beautiful and intriguing to hear, though its real damn hard to fathom a word spoken in pure Kelantanese slang. Other than these, its a world apart from my normal speaking world.

But hey, being in UiTM Shah Alam bought upon me the chance to meet many new people from all over Malaysia, thus the encounter with such many more slang being bombarded on daily basis [ngeeee]. I've got to hear how the Sarawakians speak in Malay, those dudes from Pahang, and some that came from Johor, a place that I used to call home. Though I'm missing Melaka, and Negri Sembilan, and some other state, these encounter is already enough to left me baffled over the confusion over the slangs being spoken everywhere in Kolej Meranti.

Its a rich experience, meeting all kind of these new people. Yeah, I do have difficulty on communication here sometimes, but really, its no real problem here. In fact, I can learn some of them, and perhaps someday they will somehow be useful to me. Plus, the people that brings all these slangs over here, carry with them the many new exciting stories from their part, their family, their surroundings. To know them is like to read a story from far away, and its real fun to learn about something that we didn't know about.

Whatever shit, I'm still proud of being a Kedahan, Jitrans at that. Comes Kelantan, comes KL, I'm going Kedah hundred percent at you

"Abang, nak ayaq bandung satu"
"Nak ayaq bandung satu"
"(Bangang betoi la) Ayer bandung satu..."

Seriously, ayaq still rhyme with ayer right?

It's a Vast World, Full of Crap People and Crap War

OK, so now the infidel israel plans to attack Iran right now that Iran still as ever refused to back down its nuclear program. All just for a lame reason that they're afraid Iran might eventually construct a nuclear missile and aim it at them. Who the hell cares, the world would be better without you all suck-ass infidel anyway.

Let's see what the American government's role is in this scenario. Them, being a puppet of the infidels, of course did everything they could to crush Iran as well. They have ordered many oil companies that have any connections with Iran to stop their trade in order to put pressure over the Iranian government. Guess what happened? The act did little in its intended damage, and the one who suffers the most is the oil companies based in America.

No wonder the oil price skyrockets again.
(Celaka anak haram, bukan harituh dh naik ka?)

Other economies sector in Iran nevertheless did shook a little. However, Russia and many others countries in Asia promised to fill in the gap. I sincerely hope such action will level the economy all around the world back to normal.

But what did the United Arab Emirates do in this particular situations? They have been trying to persuade the Russian government to stop aiding Iran and in return have promised them to buy all of the Russian's weapon. What's behind this all? Hope not another war coming our way...

I'm just a student in Malaysia. Even in Malaysia the politics is not very stable right (Malaysia have seen worse, but its still not at its best currently). I have very little knowledge of what is happening in this world, let alone fathom the hikmah in every things that happen in this world. Yet I'm just a normal human being, whose afraid of war. The least I can do is blog, right?

On the brink of war, what can I do eh? Blog like this for the sake of world peace? Perhaps nobody would give a damn

A Lesson In Romantics -album by Mayday Parade-

-I'd Hate To Be You When People Find Out What This Song Is About-
...well i'm thinking of the worst things
that i could say to you
but a promise doesn't mean a thing anymore
and this never will be right with me
and now you're trying to desperately
but i'm tongue tied and terrified of what i'll say

and then we both go down together
we may stay there forever
i'll just try to get up
and i'm sorry
this wasn't easy
when i asked you, believe me
you never let go
but i let go

-Miserable At Best-
...lets not pretend like you're alone tonight
(I know he's there and)
you're probably hanging out and making eyes
(while across the room he stares)
I'll bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor
and ask my girl to dance
she'll say yes
(because these words were never easier for me to say or her to second guess but i guess)
that i can live without but
(without I'll be miserable at best)...

I think that I'm currently addicted to Mayday Parade. Really, their songs had something to tell the world, and I'm in rhyme with them. Look at their lyrics, anytime you hear me sing their song, know their lyrics to know what I'm really trying to say to the world.

Me and my broken heart. Cheers for ya, Mayday Parade, for a beautifully crafted lyrics, such that depicts what I'm really trying to say right now.

-When I Get Home You're So Dead-
...So say hello to all the boys at the top of this table that your under
Lipstick lullabies
This is sorry for the last time
And baby I understand that your making new friends
This is how you get by
The moral this time is
Girls make boys cry

I'm Leaving

I don't care about this blog anymore. I don't care whether my opinion will be forever suppressed inside me without anyone knowing. I won't bother anymore, I don't care if I will no longer be able to express myself in this blog.

I'm leaving, though it will be sad to leave some very nice people I met here while blogging. This shall be my last post here

Dean, out


I've made a big decision. Others might not understand why I made such a decision, but for me, its settled. No more asking me, no more confusion. Get on with life.

All In A Day's Class

Gosh, I miss her voice, but like I'm gonna hear them again. But I'll get over it soon, what with many guys shouting like apes around my surrounding *__*

At least I got my own voices to listen to :P (damn corny)

Anyway, today's class was quite, uhh, good. I got a great vibe about my next class. The lecturers, as expected, is as cool as cucumber, or whatever. As they explained about homeworks, assignment, journals, it does get down our nerves, stuff, as it is really different from our previous learning method. But the lecturers coolly explained it to us, making us a little bit at ease. Thank god.

Unexpectedly, I found lots of my former schoolmates, especially from the elementary school. It was surprising, I didn't have enough time to prepare a speech. Eheh. Anyway, I talked to them, and man, how I felt left behind. They all are on the preparation year to go overseas. Hehe, someone are even in the languange department of German languange, one of the languanges I aim to learn in my lifetime. I was so jealous of them, yet I'm proud and glad for them. For all it worth, I at least got motivated to excel in my own department myself. Ok, that's fine.

Friends is good. They are the catalyst for good memories in the past. Without them, I don't think I can remember anything that happened during my childhood. After all, their faces is all that we see back then.

Classes today was good. Let's see what happens next... ^__^

In The Shadows

All this while I have been hiding behind the shadows. Its not that I prefer that way, maybe I'm just left with no other choices. Somebody might tell me that's bullshit, but its true.

Shadows that I'm mentioning here is the shadows of my family. With lots of reputation they had made in the past way long before I was even born, the expectations of relatives of me is high. What with my father, whose long known as a great Commanding Officer in the army, and lots of people respect him, ever since he was a child. He was the second son in the family, yet so many depended on him as the head of family. And so it happen, everywhere I go with my dad to meet with some of his many friends all over Malaysia, I can sense people observing me with great curiosity to see whether I posseses some of my father's charm.

The same goes with my sibling. My oldest sister, went overseas to US, and right now, she is pursuing a Master scholarship and currently she got 3.89 for her GPA. My second sister, she also got overseas offer, but she turned it down cause she really wanted to go to UM. At that time, such a decision is considered irrational, but she still pulled it off and surprising everyone along the way. My only brother, he's the only one who got to go to UK, and decided to stay there for about 10 years or so, alone without anybody helping. And my last sister, she went to Warwick just right after SPM under a special program because she's one of the very little people that got straight A's in her SPM, or something. That's a rare result at that time.

With so much succes story made even before I was even born, orang kampung had always expected the same gigantic over the edge success story. This was acknowledged by me since I was very little since my dad told me everything about my family.

Yet, I never knew the real truth, until right now.

Now that I know that I was a slow baby. They told me that I only started making out a word, or bercakap only when I was about 5 years old. For a baby, that's way too late for a baby to start saying words like mama or dada or something like that. And I'm also such a crybaby at that time, I couldn't ever be separated from my parents, as proven when they go to Mekkah when I was only 10 years old. I cried like hell, when others around my age can already cope with the idea of being separated with their parents.

This lead the orang kampung to think of me of a cacat of some sort, I'm a black sheep in the family.

No wonder they are so nice to me back then, those orang kampung. They always talk to me nicely, and always back me on whenever I had a fight with my cousins. They practically gave me anything I could've ever ask for. All those years I played along thinking that they truly care about me or some sort. Never had I knew that all those kindness is because they thought that I'm some cacat kid that can't depend on himself in life.

How I have been fooled, how I have let myself be treated as the weak sucker in the family.

I don't know whether the opinion of those orang kampung had affected how my family treated me. Looking back, I can't deny the facts that they love me and trusted me all the same as my siblings. But somehow I have this weird hunch that somehow those orang kampung had influenced them into thinking that I'm really some cacat kid.

I can still remember countless time my father called me bodoh, or bangang just because I can't do something really simple or messed something up. I remembered those looks in his unbelieving eyes, as if I'm not his son, the son that inherits his intelligence. And my sisters always nagged to me when I took something lightly, as if I'm somebody real stupid. It's not that I can't do something right after all, but still they will look at me as I'm not capable of doing anything worth of being called their little brother. Yeah, after all, they are the ones that went to overseas, and here I am, the one orang kampung described as a cacat kid.

Syukur selamanya and Alhamdulillah for my mom. She was always the one who held me when I cried alone. She was the one who put me in bed when I couldn't sleep when the calling bodoh from my dad was ringing inside my head. She was the one who gave me support, and never raised her voice to me.

All this negativeness and the shadows shadowing me, has turned me into the shy guy with no self-esteem left in him that I am. I can still remember when I was still in school back then, how I think it was useless to study hard to get good results, eventhough the subjects is real easy to understand and all I need to do is revise, when even your own father said that you are stupid? I don't care if the orang kampung said that to me...

...I don't FUCKING care if others said that to me, but MY OWN DAD?...

I was at the point where I couldn't care less anymore. I failed, who the hell cares? Back then I was far away from my family when I was feeling this, so I really don't care. I became emotional, I got mad easily and I simply shouted at people who annoys me even the slightest bit. I was left alone with no mum at sight to help me hear my cries, and no friends or elders to talk to. And finally I was there, I was at some point of thinking to kill myself.

Nauzibillahhiminzalik. It didn't happen, and I prays to Allah everyday that the thought will never crosses my mind again.

I was given a second chance. I went to MJSC Beseri by chance, and for the first time, I went somewhere far away to give myself a break. There, I got more exposure to the teaching of Islam and I learned a lot of thing, including my own mistakes and fault of the part. And being far away from home made me realize that my families loves me very much, no matter who I am or what I do, cause I'm me, and I'm part of the family. Gathering all my thoughts, I tried to make amends for all the damages I had done either to myself or to my family, and change myself for the better.

Each time I learned more about myself and my past, I felt as I mature every single time it happens. But after so many of it, I learned that I'm still very young, and I still lacks the experience of life. But I still had a long way to go, to make myself better, and plus, I'm not done bertaubat yet.

Alhamdulillah, I got to further my studies and beat the expectations of the orang kampung. To them, I'm no longer the cacat kid, and finally they started to see me as who I really am. Remember, I'm Ahmad Ariffuddin Yusof. I'm not gonna be somebody's son, or somebody's little brother, I am me. I will be remembered for who I am, not for who my family is.

There, I finally let it all out. It felt great

Ultimate Dream Game

This is like, the dream game of my life
Hehe, better start scraping some money to buy a PSP for myself and start playing Dissidia

But, will I have the time to play it? Let alone have the money to buy it. Guess I'll stick to my old trusty com and PSOne still... Or maybe not

I have to focus on my study. Somebody I know already started studying real hard and I won't lose to her

Big Sisters

What would I do without my sisters backing me up each and every time I messed something up? Nothing, I guess

I won't share the details, but my sisters really helped me, big time.
Love my sisters, :)