Brother Format

I have a brother, 20 plus something years older than me. He now lives at Kuala Nerang, had a pretty decent job to keep his home and family comfortable, which he had a wife and two children to complete the set. His complexion, is so different from me, where he have fair and radiant skin, undoubtedly from my mom, where I'm tanned and dim, undoubtedly from my father, and people can never tell that we are brother unless are informed. His education record tracks almost everywhere in Malaysia, he kept changing schools as my father as an army officer kept changing stations, so to keep it simple, he managed to get to further his studies overseas, mission accomplished. What happened next? Well, lets say, I have a big role in that what happened next.

So, this my brother of mine finished his studies and went back to Malaysia, and stayed there for a moment. Up until that point, my sister was only 13 and she was the youngest in the family, I'm not there yet and I'm not expected. Both of the eldest sister was married and has moved out of the house, leaving my brother and the last sister. I dunno what went on the house during that era, but I knew, from many stories, something happened. I didn't have the luxury to know what really happened, as nobody told me anything about it, but a certain drama unfolded in the house, and it involved my brother and my dad, presumably. I was told by my sisters that my dad was such a strict person then, so I can half imagine what happened between him and dad, both won't give up their arguments. And what really happened next, he was off. Gone, literally.

And so it happen, that only about a few sunsets after my brother's exile from home, my mom was pregnant, and I'm the wonder cursed child. I can only imagine what's the scenario there, given the circumstance. My mom, being nearly 50 years old, giving birth to another child, my sis, all this while the apple of my parents eyes, had me replacing her as the youngest child all of a sudden, my father, at the peak of his carrier, he's currently the CO at JB, the place that I was born, my elder sisters, having married and settled down somewhere far away, overjoyed perhaps of another addition to the family. And yes, my brother was not in the picture where I imagined where it all happened. Like the Malays say it durian runtuh, two months after my mom got pregnant, my eldest sister was also confirmed to be pregnant with a child, imagine the riots in my family.

After a tremendous 9 months, I was born into this world, Alhamdulillah. But I didn't come in peace, I had to be brought upon this world by the means of Cesarean, which is to practically cut up my mom's stomach to get me. Each time my mom showed me the scar, I would shudder and hold my body like a child's feeling cold. And then came my nephew, and I'm an uncle when I'm only two months old, quite an extraordinaire when I came to think about it. But my main point here is that my brother wasn't there, and I ended up growing with 3 sisters, but no brother there to accompany me in growing and learning about this world.

After 7 years of brotherless and stuck-with-nagging-sisters life, I was told that I have a brother. I can still remember me back then, the young and naive me then, being over excited by the fact that I have a brother. I kept repeating the fact that I do have a brother, it must be so annoying for people around me then, so my mom kept my hopes high by telling me that if I kept praying for his return to Malaysia, insyaAllah, he will be here soon. Being a motivated kid with nothing else on his mind, that's what I do each and every passing moment afterwards. Allah's willing, 3 years later, my brother suddenly send an e-mail to my sister, saying that he is coming back to Malaysia. My sister who was staying in England at the moment, apparently found him, as my father told her to, and send words of good news back home. The feedback was enormous.

I thought, I must be the happiest one to receive this news, to have a brother for the first time, but I was just a little kid then who couldn't understand the world yet. All of the family went to KL, and stayed in my second eldest sister's house there to wait for the arrival of my brother. Everything is all blurry from my memory up until this point, maybe there's something else more important for me to remember. And what I can really remember, though still vaguely, is the moment my brother passed the arrival point, with families by my side. And things went all blurry when I remembered that I heard my mom said "Itu abang kamu, Fudin..." and poof, nothing else of the reunion. Another thing that I can still recall, is the moment where I'm on the car, at the back with my brother. We were resting at a gas station, and by chance, I was left alone in the car with my brother. He opened his laptop and offered me to play his laptops game. I played pinball, and can't really remember what happened next...

I'm 18, and now, my relationship with my brother just stayed the same as the moment I was in the same car with him then. 8 years did nothing to improve our brother to brother love, and it just stayed sour all this while, without any hope of rekindling. As I lie down somewhere and think about this, sometimes I just wonder why, why it would happen like this? I was excited to finally have a brother back then, surely something would happen to improve our bonds right? As I mentioned before, I'm 18 now, and that number gives me something, which is the ability to understand a bit of my past. Looking back, I saw a child who kept hoping to have a big brother, someone to look upon to. When his father was absent, he would feel lonely, and embraced his mother in silent wish to had a brother he can turn to instead. And the fact that suddenly a brother will be granted for him, only after 3 years of silent hope, simply overjoyed him. But the child found out that the brother was not the answer he was looking for, and all of a sudden, he felt very lonely in this world, even when he was surrounded by people who loved him the most.

Nowadays, I began to realize something good about this brother format. He may not be the brother I expected him to be, but still he is my brother after all. Perhaps the fact that he left even before I was born, and was not there for me all the while, has left him in guilt, and that kept him away from me. But still, it was all just a satire played by him because of his guilt and he was loving me from far away. On a few occasion, I realized that he was helping me a lot, and one day I knew that he was willing to do anything to help me get back on life. Maybe that was his way of repenting his mistakes towards me and especially the family, but how I wished he wouldn't do that. The care was good, but I need a brother, not another father, where it all ended up making me feels more lonely...

I'm still young, and 18 is still insignificant for me to judge what really happened in the past and also in the present. But whatever happened between my brother and me, he is still my brother, my family. My family is all I have when the world will hit me with a brick, politicians burdened me with irresolution, woman tear apart my heart, friends stab me in the back, and when all seems to be lost. My brother, my family. I gotta love that, you know.

Message on the Garden's Wall

I walk on and on...
As I walk, I take a peek at the surrounding...
This song is so beautiful...
I can see ambient of yellow light...
Then I remembered something...
Evoked from a deep slumber...
Flashing, I can see that warm beady black eyes...
There she was, smiling and looking radiant as ever...
Her sweet and gentle face, hand waving at me...
All that smile kept deep inside my heart...
Oh god, this angel that you send is...
Beautiful, like the setting of the sun...
That charming gesture, smooth as butterfly...
Flying through the morning mist...

I walk on and on...
As I walk, I listened to my own heartbeat...
I couldn't stop blushing...
A girl that is so beautiful smiling...
But what can I do, oh that angelic face...
Every step that I take reminds me of her...
This song makes it all so beautiful...
Blood rushing into my head...
There's no lyrics, its as if it has a soul...
That beautiful rhyme, that sweet lullaby...
She is an angel...
This beautiful song is her voice...

I walk on and on...
As I walk, I tasted the rain that is falling down...
Eventhough it was raindrop, it tasted salty...
Oh cloud, are you crying?...
I know, she is not here...
All presence of her warmth is no longer here...
The roses wither, no one to water them anymore...
The pidgeons silent, no one to feed them anymore...
The cats passive, no one to pat and give them milk anymore...
Soon, the pavement would be empty...
I walk on and on...
As I walk, I guided the animals to the outside world...
Glancing back, I know I just have to do the same...

Oh god, why the angel left the place called home...
Though its not my real home, she made it like one...
The gentle breeze that is always there...
The grass that shone very brightly each sunrise and sunset...
I will miss this place, all the other inhabitants...
Though I will never see them again...
Nor hear this beautiful song again...
I must continue the journey forward...
Even as it hurt me so much...
I shall walk on with proud and dignity, gleefully smiling...
Because from back there, although I will never see her again...
I know that her memories will keep me company...
That smile will never die inside my heart...
Not till death shall do his part on me...

aReeF dEEn
28th of December 2007

God is the Light

how great the wonder of the heaven
and the timeless beauty of the night
how great and how great the creator
and its stars' like priceless jewel
far the beyond the reach of king
bow down for the shepherd guiding in home
but how many eyes are closed
to the wonder of this night
like pearls hidden deep
beneath the dark streams of desires
but like dreams vanished with the call to prayer
and the door extinguishes its night
hear to our sign
god is the light

how great the beauty of the earth
and the creature that dwells of her
how great and how great the creator
as its mountain pierce the cloud
high above the lights of men
weeping rivers for thousands of years
but how many hearts are closed
to the wonder of this sight
like bird in a cage
asleep with closed wing
but like word stops with the call to prayer
and the birds reside
hear to our sign
god is the light

how great the works of man
and the things he made
how great and how great the creator
though he strives to reach the heaven
he can barely survives
the wars of the world he lives in
and how many times he tried
himself to immortalise
like his parent before him
but like the sun set with the call to prayer
and surrenders to the night
hear to our sign
god is the light
god is the light everlasting

The Great Goodbye

here they went by. All of them were gone, leaving memories and stuff behind. Yeah, today the 16th of November all of the juniors fled the MJSC Beseri for their long awaited holiday. And so it happen, the parting of ways of me and all of those guys, nice people, damn freaking deja vu. Here I am again, feeling all so lonely just again, after so long I have found peace in having lots of friend again around me. Of course, all the blood brothers, my Batchmate is still here with me, raging on with the battle of SPM, and hell they are lot of fun, now that we only have each other. But still, it still a sad remainder of the great goodbye I have to face soon. When SPM's over, it will be the beginning of my dark era again, the era of my own loneliness.

This will be my third great goodbye. What I meant by the great goodbye is when I left school and almost all of my friend that I knew. Once, in my standard six, and second, just after my short reign of form four in SMKJ. During these times, I just left everyone without any contacting number or such, and simply never sees them again. Back then, I only get so well along with just a few friend, and it didn't hurt much then. But MJSC Beseri makes all the difference. The first time ever I experience hostel life, the first time I really got to know about life, the place that took me to a better understanding of the beauty of Islam, the place that broke my antisocial shell and made me a lot better person that I used to be. This will be my third great goodbye. It will be the worst.

What I regretted most about this, even after three great goodbye, I still can't brace myself to tell the one the truth. This year, I found the one, the one that really captures my attention, who have beauty with iman hard-embedded upon her image, whose intelligent really impressed me. But no, I just scared off the answer, afraid of myself, afraid of the rejection, yet again. As I catch a last glimpse of her, I prayed to Allah to keep her healthy and to be happy in life. Now I realised that I will never be able to see her again, never to look into that beautiful dark eyes...

I hate it when I have nothing to do. It makes me think a lot. I will never see her again, but sometimes I just think that if I'm a lot braver person then, be able to tell her and maybe things will be different. Sometimes when I'm all alone, I would ask myelf. What would you do if there's another time? What would you do if you see her again?

Well, no point now.