I'm on Tumblr now. It's really cool, it is, and if you aren't still using it by now, I suggest to take look, and perhaps then create one too :D. If you want to take a look at mine, then be my guest

Okay, back to assignments. Finals too haaaa~

Of the Place I Was Born and the Place I Was Raised

My mom's going to leave me soon, tomorrow to be exact. So that means that I didn't get to meet her beforehand. Plus the fact that by next week even if I do finally have some free time to go back home, nobody is going to be there, not my father, not my sister, and certainly not my brother

That mean I'm stuck here for another three weeks then. Here in Shah Alam, not my home, just a place I'm staying for a while. Yeah, sure, the place is kind of great and cool here, and I get to meet a lot of nice people and have some awesome friends here. But Jitra holds many memories that I cherish inside my heart, and the only friend that I can call true friend is there also

So it's only natural that I would damn well miss my home. Perhaps it won't matter if I go back and stayed in my home alone. I can survive on my own, plus I don't need any company right now, heck I don't even feel like having one at all

I know I shouldn't be talking like this all negative and emo-ish. Plus now I have someone to reprimand me whenever I'm acting up like this, haha. I used to have my mom to do that for me, but as I grew more and more apart from home, only her advices and her doa seem to reach me

Yes, she's special. I didn't tell her much about me, as I did with other people, only what I deemed to be necessary. But somehow, she understand me in a way that I couldn't understand myself whenever I look in the mirror. Her words hurt me so much that I cry, yet it was the same one that could bring me back to my senses and be happy again

Because of her one of my vain wish was revived. I know I'm just a nobody to her, just another acquaintance or at least a friend to talk to, but yeah, right now she's become a part of me. To me, she's like a reflection of the unborn child that I had always wished to be here with me, the one I wished to fill up the loneliness in me

To that someone, I *cough cough* you. Erkh, it seems like all the ass-busting during the EIF program is starting to take it's toll on me. What I want to say is that, I *cough cough* you...

Really, I *cough cough* you

Oh crap. Haha :P


I'm the biggest jerk. I'm the biggest fool. I'm the biggest Mr. Insensitive.

Now she won't even answer my call. What am I supposed to do?

I Miss Something About Something

There's a lot to be reminded for us human, kan kan? Tun Dr. Mahathir himself has quoted that "Melayu Mudah Lupa", which means that we Malays are such a forgetful fellow. Plus, it is stated in the al-Quran that humans are created with two main flaws, one being that we are lazy, the other is that we are forgetful

With being forgetful can be related to many things in this life, I want to stress on the fact that one always forget that Allah is always there for you. There's a fine reason that He bestowed you with the gift of Life in this world. And He gives us many obstacles and challenges in this life for a good reason too. To sweat it is to be ungrateful of the thing that we never asked for, but is the perfect gift that we could never ever hoped of achieved from gaining from someone else

I forgot that Allah gives us dugaan in this life to teach us, or to show us something. I forgot that in the times of hardship that we get to find out the true nature of our friends. We get to know who is it that genuinely care for you, who is it that befriend you for something beneficial to them, who is it that only acts as your friend because they are forced to, who is it that may look indifferent but deep inside really care for you, who is it that has actually was separated from you, who is it that will ultimately stab you from behind

Yeah I forget things, sometimes something so dire that I feel so ashamed of it. Back then, should I ever forget anything, I'd have my mom to remind me of it. But now...

Self, Self, Self

Somehow I think, there's nothing left for me to gain in this life. Sometimes all the things that happened somehow simultaneously just tend to make me to stop. Stop altogether where everything else just doesn't seem to even matter anymore

Last night, I nearly decided to just jump off some cliff or wherever high enough. If I die, then I will die, bearing all the sins and the guilt with me. But if I live, I promised myself to live to the fullest, living only for the present, and no care whatsoever for the past or the future

But then again, I didn't have the heart to do it, as the case of it with everything else. At this point, I just hate myself so much that the pain inside was already oblivious, blurred within distinction of what is right and what is wrong. I just don't know what else to do, yet I'm still living this life

As grateful as I am, I can't help but wonder why am I given a life in this world. Pondering upon the chances itself, sometimes I believe that perhaps the unborn child before me would make a better person than I am. He or she would perhaps live to my parents expectation and be even better or at least in the league of my sisters and my brother, who all of studied overseas. He or she would at least appreciate this life more than I do, and would not give up in life in any way

Or at least, if he or she was alive, at least I won't have to grow up lonely. I will have someone to talk to, someone to play with. I know I have three sisters growing up with me, and my brother only when I was 12, but they weren't always there, plus they have their own children to think of. I always wished to have a little sister or a little brother, but now I know that wish is just absurd

I need someone to tell me not to give it up just yet, but lately it seems like there's nobody that would be ever doing such a kindness to me. I can't really say that I have already given up on friendship as I did with my future life, but I'm close

I'm so that damn close...

The Past and The Present

Stop blaming others. Stop regretting of what had happened and to just let it be, without thinking that it is all over. Because no, it is not hopeless. Because the only way you can change the past is the way you feel about the present, and only then can the future be enlightened upon you. No such thing as "there's no future for me," or "there's nothing more, nothing left, it's the end of me"

Well yeah, if it is was true for me, something that I can confidently tell others, then a whole damn lot of my problem and worries would be solved by itself. And I would go screaming my heart out, preferably in a drizzle of rain, to add to the extremity of it. But like, the past still stay as it is was, the pink-now-brown scars still remained there as it is, this terrible heart beating like hell when I'm under anxiety attack is still present and occurring. So like, yeahhhhhh, wth anyways

I am very grateful to Allah that I'm even alive today. If you are someone very close to me, or if I happen to be in the mood of sharing, then you would now how I was bought upon into this world. How hard it is for my mother to had given birth to me the way that it was...

But still sometimes when I look in the mirror, I still bear the seething of the image of the one that I'm looking at. If only... I could end it and be free from all of it


I met her twice today. And our meeting today could as well be our last. Though I have a several reasons saying that she will be back here the next sem, somehow it seems more fitting to see that it is our last encounter of each other. Perhaps of because the way we talk to each other, she looked so dissapointed at my own lack of emotion seeing that this is her last day here. Or perhaps because of something that I said to her a few days earlier. Or perhaps it was just me, standing there and not saying anything that is needed to be said to her, afraid to say goodbye to her

It doesn't even matter, because it is all in the past now

"You macam takde perasaan pon I nak balik dah ni"

"I don't show my emotions. It's just who I am"


"Here, take this. Bye..."

I had countless times before told others that I'm a jerk, so much that I didn't realize of how much I had became one. And how I didn't realize how much I'm hurt as much as I hurt others through my own action

And I didn't realized until now that it has been almost two years since I last cried because of a girl, a woman other than my mom and my sisters...