Self, Self, Self

Somehow I think, there's nothing left for me to gain in this life. Sometimes all the things that happened somehow simultaneously just tend to make me to stop. Stop altogether where everything else just doesn't seem to even matter anymore

Last night, I nearly decided to just jump off some cliff or wherever high enough. If I die, then I will die, bearing all the sins and the guilt with me. But if I live, I promised myself to live to the fullest, living only for the present, and no care whatsoever for the past or the future

But then again, I didn't have the heart to do it, as the case of it with everything else. At this point, I just hate myself so much that the pain inside was already oblivious, blurred within distinction of what is right and what is wrong. I just don't know what else to do, yet I'm still living this life

As grateful as I am, I can't help but wonder why am I given a life in this world. Pondering upon the chances itself, sometimes I believe that perhaps the unborn child before me would make a better person than I am. He or she would perhaps live to my parents expectation and be even better or at least in the league of my sisters and my brother, who all of studied overseas. He or she would at least appreciate this life more than I do, and would not give up in life in any way

Or at least, if he or she was alive, at least I won't have to grow up lonely. I will have someone to talk to, someone to play with. I know I have three sisters growing up with me, and my brother only when I was 12, but they weren't always there, plus they have their own children to think of. I always wished to have a little sister or a little brother, but now I know that wish is just absurd

I need someone to tell me not to give it up just yet, but lately it seems like there's nobody that would be ever doing such a kindness to me. I can't really say that I have already given up on friendship as I did with my future life, but I'm close

I'm so that damn close...