Not a Goodbye

I'm leaving this space here for a new one. Later~

In the Dark

It looks like somehow for the last 18 hours that had passed, lots of people has been writing. Ahah, probably won't matter in any way whatsoever, just randomly sharing fact, useless one

Oh oh another one. It seems like a Kedahan people attracts another, just like a Kelantanese would attracts another, though perhaps not a Kedahan to a Kelantanese or vice versa. I guess it's the familiarity that people is always looking for, something that will bring them closer to home. Billions of people in this world, yet people would always feel somehow in a sense, in need of someone or a company that they can relate to

It's like, the world is somehow a place to nourish loneliness. Billions of human, yet we always look for only one, though almost all the time we don't even know who we are looking for. Sometimes being blind for the one that's in front of you, sometimes we hurt those that we love, sometimes we reject them in ironic fear of rejection, sometimes the fate divides people with distance and time

Well, today, I still hasn't found the Music student just yet, and I found myself to be quite restless. It's so stupid, yet it feels so natural. I never liked being a teenager anyway, feeling all these gushy and jelly-like and mushy and being slave to one's own emotion. I'd prefer to be happily ignorant of everything else, being kid is so much fun, or to be so busy with responsibilities where you don't have time to give in to your own stupid emotions and just carry on with life

Which makes me hate myself so much, this said in a statement bearing meaning in ways you can't fathom unless you are me. Last night I went for a night out at McD, trying to study my ass off, with some of my friends, one of them happen to be a particular someone that is very close to me, the only person that I trust in this world. To cut the story short, things happened

I found out that, nobody can be perfectly trusted in this world. If I can't be very open to my family about how I feels like how it used to be, why I should trust someone else? When I need that person the most, she will never be there for me, which I understand that. Though she's the only one who know what I'm afraid of, whenever I'm facing that fear, she seems like she didn't even care. She always listen, but she never tried to understand

Thing is, I can never blame her. In fact, I owe her so damn much, for everything good that had ever happened to me here. But it's just that, nobody's perfect, not me, not her. I can see that more clearly now, where I stand, who I am in this place

I'm not being emo-maniacal or horrendously solemn or something, but it's just that, you know. Even if I would find trust no longer in people around me, it's not that I'm going to be such a bitter son-of-a-bitch or something. Friends will always be friends, only that since nobody's going to listen anyway, I'm not going to open my heart anymore. As simple as that

"I learned something recently: our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumph. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives..."
Paulo Coelho in the Zahir (2005)
pg. 65

Maybe he's right, after all. All these suffering can stay at that dark, dark corner where they belong. Nobody needs to know, since nobody listen anyway

Last Night After Dark

I'm seriously don't what to say, or what to write. Recently I found out that I have this little crush, or should I say admiration, for one of the Music students. Today I saw her wearing a purple tudung with a black shirt and a washed up jean complemented by a seriously alike-purple-with-the-purple-tudung purple bag

Bloody, I'm talking like a teenage girl here, talking about crap like this. Studying Phonetics for hours got me rambling on things that I don't normally ramble about

Last night, I heard that one of my friends got robbed and another who's mother lost her car in a terrible event. I don't know what I can say or what I can do to help them in any kind whatsoever, since I'm not that close to them. All I can do is to silently give them a prayer, so that things will go their way again, or at least to help lease their burden a bit

We all take so many things in this life for granted. Even our language, where we often use it in our daily life, we never know or care much about how we did it in the first place. How the language is made so, how they are connected grammatically and in real life context why we speak as we are. Phonetically speaking, that is

Nothing lasts forever. The things that you hold dear, stuff you couldn't care less, people that you love or vice versa, nothing lasts forever. A minute you might me be grateful for being bestowed such a beautiful life, the next you might be cursing at the winds and asking why were you born in this horrifying world in the first place

I had so many things cluttered inside my mind right now, but it won't do me any good to just let it all out. I still need to continue studying and think about how to save my money since I just spend the last RM30 or so for replacing my student card. Plus I still did not print my examination slip yet, and talked to the office about me still not registered for my next semester

So much 'me' and 'I' in the last paragraph, let's mention people that I love before I forget to do so. I love my family, for the support they give to me, especially my sister. Not forgetting my friends that accompanied me today to study Phonetics together, it's been such a long time since I sat down with people to study together, for it is such a damn nice feeling

Oh yeah, friends that invited me to watch movie with them last night, Wednesday night, 27th of October. I remembered that they promised me to go watch movie with them again before, and they did, last night, Wednesday night, 27th of October

Kan? Kan? Kan?

Oh whatever jela. Need to go to continue studying now before I start screaming like a monkey~

Friends Forever

Boleh aku tanya something tak?
Hah, tanya jela
What is uhh...
Erm, what do you really feel about me?
...As a friend, of course
A... friend ehh?
Yup! =)
Oh, okay...
Haa, nape?
Haha, it's nothing lah~! So like, we are friends kan?
Yup, kawan. Heee~

Friends forever aite?
Friends forever

Last night was such a blast. It was the second time the whole class went out together. Ayamas and playing football and aci ligan at the big green field. Karaoke-ing till our throats gone sore, Sheila on 7's Melompat Lebih Tinggi for the climax. Cam whoring at I-City where we went there just by walking

Of course, she was also there. Usually there would be an extreme awkwardness stemming in the air whenever I can feel her presence, but not this time. Perhaps it is because Psychology class, where we were in the same group together. Perhaps it is because of our drama production, where the whole class stayed together through thick and thin. Whatever it is, she and I, we are on speaking term again. She's no longer ignoring me like how she used to

But I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know I shouldn't wait anymore. There's nothing left for me. I had always wished that she would stop hating me, all I wished for that we would be friends again, like how it used to be. Now that she's talking to me again, won't that be enough?

Though I will never know her answer, I'll just have to be contend with this. There's just something that I can never change, no matter how hard I try


The cat
wakes up
gives one vast yawn then
exits for the purpose of love


silence. everywhere around him is fading darkness. drowning him further and further down to the bottom of something that he couldn't even make out how far. he finds it harder and harder to breath with each passing seconds, his chest feels like it is about to explode

he closes his eyes in an unwilling resignation. perhaps there's simply no way out of this. he decides to just let it go, to let the shaking sensation of your soul being sucked away to take its place. to die, at this time, seems like the only option

just when he lets it all go, when he feels like there's nothing left inside of him, suddenly it comes to him. the realization of everything, the answer that he has sought after all his entire life. it was bitter, it was sweet. but there's nothing else to be done, because he is dying, after all

the light has nearly faded away entirely. even the gushing sound of water rushing into his lungs is no longer audible. his eyes automatically opens up, though the surrounding environment doesn't entertain anything worth seeing anymore. total darkness, and total silence

with the last flicker of his soul, he says a last wish from his dying heart. though he knows it won't matter anymore, though he knows nobody can't listen anymore, his heart beat for the last time...

"i wish, that you would understand me, as much as i wish that i would understand you..."

total darkness, and total silence. a perfect reflection of him, empty and meaningless. he's no more of what he's used to be called as. and finally alone in the bottom of the darkness, he finally gets what he both wished for, and dreaded for

Burn Memories, Burnnnnnn~

Why people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?
-Spuntnik Sweetheart-

Thought numero uno~
A recent conversation with a few friend that I can consider to be quite close to me had made me realize that people sometime can't fathom whatever I wrote either here or at my Facebook. Given that most people are already having difficulties in hearing me right since I have this confusing mixed-up accent of Utara plus the KLlites and a bit of Kelantanese and God knows what else, to know that people can't even comprehend whatever I write is kinda, sad in some sense. Perhaps it shouldn't be that way, since I had insisted once upon a time that I wished to be enigmatic in order to hide my feelings. I guess I just naturally absorbed such mentality that it had already became my personality. Oh well it might not be so bad after all, since yeah, people won't know what I'm really feeling inside, agonizingly suffering or euphorically grateful, only people that I truly love will know who I really am and I recognize them that way. While in Facebook, people can't really see and fathom the intricately worded yelling and screaming and insult that I throw at the world and a few intended people, should they know what it really meant then I would be dead meat. Plus there was this one really attractive and beautiful girl that said I am kinda mysterious and intriguing, and I suddenly became proud of myself for being such a cool and enigmatic guy hahahaha~

I bet you guys don't even know what the heck I just wrote up there. Too long and just crap and bullshit. Moving on to the second thought...

Thought numero dos~
I've been reading a few of my older posts lately. I don't know why, perhaps this is what they call soul searching? Or perhaps I was just bored, thinking of finding something of interest that somehow I had already forgotten. One thing I did found out however, is that my writing sucks as hell back then. Should the writer had been someone else and not me, I'd be laughing my backside off and jab endlessly at it for being so freaking lame and boring. I guess I've grown up, and had learned a lot since then. The way I view the world, the one that I love, though these doesn't change much, I guess I had somehow adapted, I'd take and give back adequately

I won't say that I'm much of a matured person already, but yeah learning is a neverending experience. Perhaps some time in the future, should this blog still exists, I will read this exact post, and perhaps I will then, laugh my backside off and jab endlessly at it for being so freaking lame and boring

And sighed for how I wished that I'd be more happy and grateful for being alive like how I am then. Perhaps...

Thought numero tres~
This past few week since the last Raya holiday had been like hell. With drama the next week, and field trip and so many more presentation, speech, tests, assignments, etcetera etcetera, I feel like bombing this place to smithereens. I wonder just how I can even find some time to even write this post, though yeah you can already tell that I'm a bit exaggerating here. But still, with not so much sleep, and a lot of pressure from the drama practice, one can't help but just to be so tense 24 hours a day. I wonder, does it really reflect on my personality, my behavior? Since I realized that my drama teammates and me can't find it in ourselves the strength nor the will to smile at each other. I feel like whatever I was feeling during the Asasian drama is happening again, where we are hating each other...

I seriously hope that all of this will end soon. I seriously need to know that all of this misunderstanding actually stems from all the current pressure. Not because of me, of my weakness as a human, as a friend, and as teammate...

the last cat that was as manja as this one is Etong~
damn, I miss Etong so much...