In the Dark

It looks like somehow for the last 18 hours that had passed, lots of people has been writing. Ahah, probably won't matter in any way whatsoever, just randomly sharing fact, useless one

Oh oh another one. It seems like a Kedahan people attracts another, just like a Kelantanese would attracts another, though perhaps not a Kedahan to a Kelantanese or vice versa. I guess it's the familiarity that people is always looking for, something that will bring them closer to home. Billions of people in this world, yet people would always feel somehow in a sense, in need of someone or a company that they can relate to

It's like, the world is somehow a place to nourish loneliness. Billions of human, yet we always look for only one, though almost all the time we don't even know who we are looking for. Sometimes being blind for the one that's in front of you, sometimes we hurt those that we love, sometimes we reject them in ironic fear of rejection, sometimes the fate divides people with distance and time

Well, today, I still hasn't found the Music student just yet, and I found myself to be quite restless. It's so stupid, yet it feels so natural. I never liked being a teenager anyway, feeling all these gushy and jelly-like and mushy and being slave to one's own emotion. I'd prefer to be happily ignorant of everything else, being kid is so much fun, or to be so busy with responsibilities where you don't have time to give in to your own stupid emotions and just carry on with life

Which makes me hate myself so much, this said in a statement bearing meaning in ways you can't fathom unless you are me. Last night I went for a night out at McD, trying to study my ass off, with some of my friends, one of them happen to be a particular someone that is very close to me, the only person that I trust in this world. To cut the story short, things happened

I found out that, nobody can be perfectly trusted in this world. If I can't be very open to my family about how I feels like how it used to be, why I should trust someone else? When I need that person the most, she will never be there for me, which I understand that. Though she's the only one who know what I'm afraid of, whenever I'm facing that fear, she seems like she didn't even care. She always listen, but she never tried to understand

Thing is, I can never blame her. In fact, I owe her so damn much, for everything good that had ever happened to me here. But it's just that, nobody's perfect, not me, not her. I can see that more clearly now, where I stand, who I am in this place

I'm not being emo-maniacal or horrendously solemn or something, but it's just that, you know. Even if I would find trust no longer in people around me, it's not that I'm going to be such a bitter son-of-a-bitch or something. Friends will always be friends, only that since nobody's going to listen anyway, I'm not going to open my heart anymore. As simple as that

"I learned something recently: our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumph. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives..."
Paulo Coelho in the Zahir (2005)
pg. 65

Maybe he's right, after all. All these suffering can stay at that dark, dark corner where they belong. Nobody needs to know, since nobody listen anyway