When I browsed through the list of my phone number directories, I realized that I don't have anyone else anymore to text and say that I'm not okay, that I just want to end it all. And when I come here to finally write again, I frowned upon another realization, which is that I can no longer write. I just don't know how to.
Do people still visit this place even still? This blog which used to be so significant in my life. Do you guys remember the time when she and I had conversations all night long in here for almost everyday of my asasi life? Do you guys remember all the rantings about me falling in love with her and afterward the notion of grief and despair emanating from every part of my writing due to the cold rejection from her? The words seem so easy to come by back then. The things that I love about her, the things that I hate about her, how strong and motivated I became in light of her existence, and how that very same existence is the very same bane that got me being a slave to my own emotion. Would you still believe it that even if I doesn't write or show anything that reflects me still are attached to her, that every freaking night I'm still thinking about her? Or that I knowingly put myself in the same class with her for the last four semester, hurting myself everytime that I'm around her presence?
Why the hell am I doing this right now. I got a bunch of workload that needed to be done by this upcoming week, especially a term paper that needs to be submitted by tomorrow that I still hasn't start on anything just yet. I've been crying and laughing like mad and screaming and what else was there, it was like a jumble of all fucked-up feeling, f.u.b.a.r. Playing Deeper Conversation on repeat, then Paramore's All I Wanted when I feel a change of mood in spite of the same messed up whatever-it-is-I-was-trying-to-get-from-repeating-this-song. Hey, now I am no longer making sense, am I?
If you read this, really really read this, when you see me next please give me a hug or at least a decent hello and a smile, it will do wonders for me. Well, if you care enough about me, but if not, the it is also not necessary. We are entitled to what we believe in this world and also its consequences. Hey, again, I'm no longer making sense, aite? But really, I need this.
I love you.