Not a Goodbye

I'm leaving this space here for a new one. Later~

In the Dark

It looks like somehow for the last 18 hours that had passed, lots of people has been writing. Ahah, probably won't matter in any way whatsoever, just randomly sharing fact, useless one

Oh oh another one. It seems like a Kedahan people attracts another, just like a Kelantanese would attracts another, though perhaps not a Kedahan to a Kelantanese or vice versa. I guess it's the familiarity that people is always looking for, something that will bring them closer to home. Billions of people in this world, yet people would always feel somehow in a sense, in need of someone or a company that they can relate to

It's like, the world is somehow a place to nourish loneliness. Billions of human, yet we always look for only one, though almost all the time we don't even know who we are looking for. Sometimes being blind for the one that's in front of you, sometimes we hurt those that we love, sometimes we reject them in ironic fear of rejection, sometimes the fate divides people with distance and time

Well, today, I still hasn't found the Music student just yet, and I found myself to be quite restless. It's so stupid, yet it feels so natural. I never liked being a teenager anyway, feeling all these gushy and jelly-like and mushy and being slave to one's own emotion. I'd prefer to be happily ignorant of everything else, being kid is so much fun, or to be so busy with responsibilities where you don't have time to give in to your own stupid emotions and just carry on with life

Which makes me hate myself so much, this said in a statement bearing meaning in ways you can't fathom unless you are me. Last night I went for a night out at McD, trying to study my ass off, with some of my friends, one of them happen to be a particular someone that is very close to me, the only person that I trust in this world. To cut the story short, things happened

I found out that, nobody can be perfectly trusted in this world. If I can't be very open to my family about how I feels like how it used to be, why I should trust someone else? When I need that person the most, she will never be there for me, which I understand that. Though she's the only one who know what I'm afraid of, whenever I'm facing that fear, she seems like she didn't even care. She always listen, but she never tried to understand

Thing is, I can never blame her. In fact, I owe her so damn much, for everything good that had ever happened to me here. But it's just that, nobody's perfect, not me, not her. I can see that more clearly now, where I stand, who I am in this place

I'm not being emo-maniacal or horrendously solemn or something, but it's just that, you know. Even if I would find trust no longer in people around me, it's not that I'm going to be such a bitter son-of-a-bitch or something. Friends will always be friends, only that since nobody's going to listen anyway, I'm not going to open my heart anymore. As simple as that

"I learned something recently: our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumph. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives..."
Paulo Coelho in the Zahir (2005)
pg. 65

Maybe he's right, after all. All these suffering can stay at that dark, dark corner where they belong. Nobody needs to know, since nobody listen anyway

Last Night After Dark

I'm seriously don't what to say, or what to write. Recently I found out that I have this little crush, or should I say admiration, for one of the Music students. Today I saw her wearing a purple tudung with a black shirt and a washed up jean complemented by a seriously alike-purple-with-the-purple-tudung purple bag

Bloody, I'm talking like a teenage girl here, talking about crap like this. Studying Phonetics for hours got me rambling on things that I don't normally ramble about

Last night, I heard that one of my friends got robbed and another who's mother lost her car in a terrible event. I don't know what I can say or what I can do to help them in any kind whatsoever, since I'm not that close to them. All I can do is to silently give them a prayer, so that things will go their way again, or at least to help lease their burden a bit

We all take so many things in this life for granted. Even our language, where we often use it in our daily life, we never know or care much about how we did it in the first place. How the language is made so, how they are connected grammatically and in real life context why we speak as we are. Phonetically speaking, that is

Nothing lasts forever. The things that you hold dear, stuff you couldn't care less, people that you love or vice versa, nothing lasts forever. A minute you might me be grateful for being bestowed such a beautiful life, the next you might be cursing at the winds and asking why were you born in this horrifying world in the first place

I had so many things cluttered inside my mind right now, but it won't do me any good to just let it all out. I still need to continue studying and think about how to save my money since I just spend the last RM30 or so for replacing my student card. Plus I still did not print my examination slip yet, and talked to the office about me still not registered for my next semester

So much 'me' and 'I' in the last paragraph, let's mention people that I love before I forget to do so. I love my family, for the support they give to me, especially my sister. Not forgetting my friends that accompanied me today to study Phonetics together, it's been such a long time since I sat down with people to study together, for it is such a damn nice feeling

Oh yeah, friends that invited me to watch movie with them last night, Wednesday night, 27th of October. I remembered that they promised me to go watch movie with them again before, and they did, last night, Wednesday night, 27th of October

Kan? Kan? Kan?

Oh whatever jela. Need to go to continue studying now before I start screaming like a monkey~

Friends Forever

Boleh aku tanya something tak?
Hah, tanya jela
What is uhh...
Apa?
Erm, what do you really feel about me?
...As a friend, of course
A... friend ehh?
Yup! =)
Oh, okay...
Haa, nape?
Haha, it's nothing lah~! So like, we are friends kan?
Yup, kawan. Heee~

Friends forever aite?
Friends forever

Last night was such a blast. It was the second time the whole class went out together. Ayamas and playing football and aci ligan at the big green field. Karaoke-ing till our throats gone sore, Sheila on 7's Melompat Lebih Tinggi for the climax. Cam whoring at I-City where we went there just by walking

Of course, she was also there. Usually there would be an extreme awkwardness stemming in the air whenever I can feel her presence, but not this time. Perhaps it is because Psychology class, where we were in the same group together. Perhaps it is because of our drama production, where the whole class stayed together through thick and thin. Whatever it is, she and I, we are on speaking term again. She's no longer ignoring me like how she used to

But I know I shouldn't get my hopes up. I know I shouldn't wait anymore. There's nothing left for me. I had always wished that she would stop hating me, all I wished for that we would be friends again, like how it used to be. Now that she's talking to me again, won't that be enough?

Though I will never know her answer, I'll just have to be contend with this. There's just something that I can never change, no matter how hard I try

Cats

The cat

sleeps

wakes up

gives one vast yawn then

exits for the purpose of love

.

silence. everywhere around him is fading darkness. drowning him further and further down to the bottom of something that he couldn't even make out how far. he finds it harder and harder to breath with each passing seconds, his chest feels like it is about to explode

he closes his eyes in an unwilling resignation. perhaps there's simply no way out of this. he decides to just let it go, to let the shaking sensation of your soul being sucked away to take its place. to die, at this time, seems like the only option

just when he lets it all go, when he feels like there's nothing left inside of him, suddenly it comes to him. the realization of everything, the answer that he has sought after all his entire life. it was bitter, it was sweet. but there's nothing else to be done, because he is dying, after all

the light has nearly faded away entirely. even the gushing sound of water rushing into his lungs is no longer audible. his eyes automatically opens up, though the surrounding environment doesn't entertain anything worth seeing anymore. total darkness, and total silence

with the last flicker of his soul, he says a last wish from his dying heart. though he knows it won't matter anymore, though he knows nobody can't listen anymore, his heart beat for the last time...

"i wish, that you would understand me, as much as i wish that i would understand you..."

total darkness, and total silence. a perfect reflection of him, empty and meaningless. he's no more of what he's used to be called as. and finally alone in the bottom of the darkness, he finally gets what he both wished for, and dreaded for

Burn Memories, Burnnnnnn~

Why people have to be this lonely? What's the point of it all? Millions of people in this world, all of them yearning, looking to others to satisfy them, yet isolating themselves. Why? Was the earth put here just to nourish human loneliness?
-Spuntnik Sweetheart-

Thought numero uno~
A recent conversation with a few friend that I can consider to be quite close to me had made me realize that people sometime can't fathom whatever I wrote either here or at my Facebook. Given that most people are already having difficulties in hearing me right since I have this confusing mixed-up accent of Utara plus the KLlites and a bit of Kelantanese and God knows what else, to know that people can't even comprehend whatever I write is kinda, sad in some sense. Perhaps it shouldn't be that way, since I had insisted once upon a time that I wished to be enigmatic in order to hide my feelings. I guess I just naturally absorbed such mentality that it had already became my personality. Oh well it might not be so bad after all, since yeah, people won't know what I'm really feeling inside, agonizingly suffering or euphorically grateful, only people that I truly love will know who I really am and I recognize them that way. While in Facebook, people can't really see and fathom the intricately worded yelling and screaming and insult that I throw at the world and a few intended people, should they know what it really meant then I would be dead meat. Plus there was this one really attractive and beautiful girl that said I am kinda mysterious and intriguing, and I suddenly became proud of myself for being such a cool and enigmatic guy hahahaha~

I bet you guys don't even know what the heck I just wrote up there. Too long and just crap and bullshit. Moving on to the second thought...

Thought numero dos~
I've been reading a few of my older posts lately. I don't know why, perhaps this is what they call soul searching? Or perhaps I was just bored, thinking of finding something of interest that somehow I had already forgotten. One thing I did found out however, is that my writing sucks as hell back then. Should the writer had been someone else and not me, I'd be laughing my backside off and jab endlessly at it for being so freaking lame and boring. I guess I've grown up, and had learned a lot since then. The way I view the world, the one that I love, though these doesn't change much, I guess I had somehow adapted, I'd take and give back adequately

I won't say that I'm much of a matured person already, but yeah learning is a neverending experience. Perhaps some time in the future, should this blog still exists, I will read this exact post, and perhaps I will then, laugh my backside off and jab endlessly at it for being so freaking lame and boring

And sighed for how I wished that I'd be more happy and grateful for being alive like how I am then. Perhaps...

Thought numero tres~
This past few week since the last Raya holiday had been like hell. With drama the next week, and field trip and so many more presentation, speech, tests, assignments, etcetera etcetera, I feel like bombing this place to smithereens. I wonder just how I can even find some time to even write this post, though yeah you can already tell that I'm a bit exaggerating here. But still, with not so much sleep, and a lot of pressure from the drama practice, one can't help but just to be so tense 24 hours a day. I wonder, does it really reflect on my personality, my behavior? Since I realized that my drama teammates and me can't find it in ourselves the strength nor the will to smile at each other. I feel like whatever I was feeling during the Asasian drama is happening again, where we are hating each other...

I seriously hope that all of this will end soon. I seriously need to know that all of this misunderstanding actually stems from all the current pressure. Not because of me, of my weakness as a human, as a friend, and as teammate...

the last cat that was as manja as this one is Etong~
damn, I miss Etong so much...

Confucius says

Confucius says...

Woman who cooks carrot and peas in the same pot is very unsanitary.

"I see", said the blind man, as he picked up the hammer and saw.

Sir wrote these one liners on the whiteboard while he was teaching us all how intonation can give grammar description. Realizing there's a 'Confucius says' on the board, we all became agitated and a little bit worried that the words are actually meant indirectly towards us. The last time the name Confucius sprung up out of nowhere, it was the time we got our pre-test diagnostics' result, where most of the class scored miserably

I immediately put my pen down after a while of copying down everything from the slides in front. I looked around and saw a few nervous faces, or perhaps that was only my imagination, though I did hear someone trying to interpret the lines. I kept thinking and thinking, what could have possibly gone wrong? What is the meaning of those one liners?

Then Sir stopped teaching halfway, and went on to the lines to explain them. Fearing the worst, giddy with anticipation, another silence seemed to overlap the already presiding silence from before, as the class waited for him to explain the meaning of the words...

(Disclaimer, this is not the actual words of Sir, just a vague recall from a humble me)

"Now looks at these words. What will happen if you put a stress before the word and?" Sir said as he went on to put the stress mark before the word 'and' and erased the letter 'a' and replaced it with an 'e', which resulted in the emergence of the word 'pees' in the place of the 'peas'

The class "Woman who cooks carrot... and PEES in the same pot?!" and we laughed hard at such realization. I guess no one ever saw that one coming, including myself

Sir went on to repeat the same thing with the second one liner by putting a stress mark before the word 'and'. When he repeated the line, not forgetting to stress the words "and SAW!" and made the expression of someone who could suddenly see again, the class chuckled with relief, or again, that was just me. What a magical hammer, I thought in the afterward~

Oh well, thank you Sir. Though you're very strict in your marking, it had in a way helped me to improve myself in the subject. Though sometime your jokes in the class can be deemed quite inappropriate for children some age and below, I really enjoyed laughing to myself at such jokes. Though you have such a thick American accent, I really loved it, cause it somehow makes the learning all the more unique

Last but not least, Sir had taught me to love Confucius' quote too~

不患人之不己知，患不知人也。
I am not bothered by the fact that I'm unknown. I am bothered when I do not know others

Empty Words

I'm a weak person, as I am incomplete as a human being. Whatever I do, there's always something bound to go wrong and cause harm to either myself or unfortunately others. No matter how much thought I put into it, I'm alive, I'm here for a reason, and I can't deny it. There's no contradicting that, despite all I tried to force myself to believe, based on the situation

Even when I'm writing this one down, my ego keeps screaming inside of me, putting me off every time I tried to express my feelings. It keeps reminding me of how much had I suffered by waiting for them, of trying to forgive them. Of why I should just forget about them, and let bygone be bygone. But how could I do so? All of those fond memories that I had shared with them, I just can't forget them all in an instance. I loved them all so much, I can't ever think of seeing them as just strangers the next time I will wake up

Then I look at the mirror, perhaps it is my own fault. Maybe it's paranoia, or maybe it's just me, thinking too much like always. But this I know; I'm not dependable enough, I'm so lazy that at some point it only cause others trouble, I'm too emotional that it cause miseries to people around me. I don't know who really cares about me, and perhaps I never will. Maybe its because I'm too selfish, even to myself. I'm never true to myself, pretty much to those people that I love

But whatever it is, the impending silent and the unbearable loneliness of having no one to talk to is simply too much. Let my ego scream inside, let others think that I'm pathetic or lame to post this publicly that people can see and read, let it be. I couldn't care anymore

found this somewhere in tumblr

How I wrote, I wrote, I wrote, pieces by pieces of everything inside of me between lines of each words in this very post. Yet I don't feel like telling anybody, especially not here, and so I deleted everything. It's too weird, nobody will understand, I'm afraid of how they'll judge me afterward

I guess my ego win. I don't know what to make of this, what do I get from this? Why the hell I'm even writing this, and still deleting whatever it is that I had really meant to express?

Have You Ever Felt Jealous of Birds?

Everyone wants to travel. Deep down inside, there will always be a sparkle of interest of going to a place somewhere that is just not here. Regardless of whether of who you grew up to be, what interest you have in the sense of adventure. People will inevitably in some point of their life, wish upon the chance to escape. Escape from reality, escape from the everyday life, escape from problems, escape from oneself. See the world in a whole different perspective

But just how many have the courage to embark themselves in this little adventure aspiration inside of their heart? To take the risk of going someplace alien to them, with no guarantee of safety and such, to leave behind their work or their studies, loved ones like boyfriends girlfriends or spouses, will they still be there waiting for them question ringing inside of their head. Excuses after excuses, they will just stay in one place, satisfied with their current atmosphere, no any development, nor any regression involved, safe and secure

Say, what if someone stepped right outside by your door step, offering you tickets to faraway places you never thought of possible going to, with only that moment and that day to make your decisions to be on the way or reject that offer? Will you be able to leave your life behind to go on that journey, or will you stay in the same place, content with your current life?

Someone offered me that chance before, and I just threw it away. Maybe if I accepted that offer, I wouldn't ever meet any of all these amazing people that I know today, but then again, I can't just help but wonder how my life would turn out if I were to travel all over the world. To meet lots of different kind of people, to open my eyes to a different view of the sky, to be saying Hello in 7 different languages...

That's just how life is. Next time, I'll fly. I'll fly for sure, with these imaginary wings on my back, my heart filled with ecstasy, my eyes aimed at the furthest corner of the Mother Earth~

Whenever people see birds flying through the sky, it's said that they get the urge to go on a journey
-Kino-

Creep by Radiohead

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fuckin' special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice
when I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh

She's running out again
She's running out
She run run run run...
run... run...

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep,
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doin' here?
I don't belong here

I don't belong here...

Sometimes, I wish I would still have my old bicycle. I'd pack up some light clothes in a bag with a few good books, and just start going nowhere in particular. Then perhaps I would get loss, with nowhere familiar to turn to. Maybe I'll get robbed, and yeah, go on to be stabbed or something. And who knows, get lonely enough so much that I start groping every stranger in sight in desperate need for a bit of physical affection

Then perhaps I would a get a grip on where exactly I belong in this world. Find out who would still care about me, and who I would miss with each passing seconds and minutes, and maybe along the way what kind of things that matter to me the most

Or maybe I'd learn to just stay home, be grateful and shit. Forget all this little escapade, forget about staying in some foreign country for 12 years without any news, like someone in my family did

...Perhaps I'm really such a creep, a freaking weirdo~

Vague, Haunting Memories of the Past

Nobody likes to be lonely. Whatever they might say, deep inside we're all just the same in that sense. What makes us different individually is how we perceive that loneliness and the degree of it that we can bear as a human being

Let me share with you something about me. I absolutely hate to be lonely. I can't bear the thought of being lonely without a company, so much that I cringe and I start to panic and feels like screaming to know that I will be alone. And it's not that I need someone by my side all the time, what's important to me is the connection. Even if I'm alone in a big city somewhere surrounded by vague mass of strangers, if I know that there is a familiar face somewhere to talk to, I'll be just fine. I can't bear it if people that I know ignores me, funny thoughts would enter my mind, like they hate me, I did something wrong, said something wrong, I'm ugly and they're ignoring me, and I will just push myself away from people to be alone. Despite how much I hate to be lonely...

I went back to my kampung during the second day of raya. It was incredibly silent with almost virtually no one around. Though I had expected this beforehand, witnessing the truth in front of me was shatteringly devastating. So much of my memories flew around my head, spinning endlessly in a tale inside my head of my childhood. So much was lost, so much was gone with the wind, even when it all felt like it had happened just yesterday

That old wooden house is empty. The termites are everywhere, eating up every bits of woods that holds the house high and mighty. The bushy growth by the side of the paddy field adds to the gloomy feeling, the river where we used to catch laga fish in it has run completely dry. I no longer know that place, the place where I used to grow up with my cousins. All the rombongan duit raya, perang meriam buluh kampung, mercun time orang semayang, gasing, guli, bola, sleeping together with only the wooden floor as nesting place during the night while we talked about who we are going to marry in the future

All gone, left behind as only memories to either cherish or forget

Now the pieces are all over the place. Our centre of the universe is already gone, nothing else will bring us back to that one special place like how it used to be. But I know, and I can still remember, all of our memories back then, I will never let it go to waste. I will keep on searching the pieces, and I will try my best to keep it together like how it used to be. Everything changes, but our bond will always be the same, be it stronger or weaker as time weaves on

I'm not alone in this world, as I need to keep reminding myself. Somehow somewhere, people care about you and they love you, as much as you care and you love them. One just need to remember, need to hold on to the memories of the past...

Bearers of the future. Carry on the hope and love of our generation :)

Tart Nenas Tart Nenas Tart Nenas

I don't know why I ended up having an almost pink baju melayu as my baju raya this year. Was I so blind to see that the colour purple was so light that it resembles pink, or was it I just simply don't care anymore?

There's going to be lots of travelling tomorrow. To pick up the pieces that was left devastated last year. Though we no longer have that place to return to, there's still family all over the place, and this is what Raya's supposed to mean right, for families to be together once again

Ohh, tonight I'm going to watch Resident Evil with my nephews~ Gonna have lots of fun while they're still here :D

Selamat Hari Raya, Maaf Zahir dan Batin everyone~

Until we meet again...

Stranger Stranger

You know what our parents would say about talking to strangers? About how we're not supposed to talk to strangers, in fear of stuff like kidnapping, infusing of political bullshit, using you as a jerk-off tools, as the case for the pedophiles, and many more negative reasons why

But sometimes, when you break the rules, you can get a lovely surprise you see


Omegle conversation log 2010-08-05

Stranger: Hello.

You: Hi

Stranger: How are you?

You: Fine

You: you?

Stranger: Fine, thanks.

Stranger: What brings you here?

You: Bored, really

Stranger: Like a lot of people around here.

You: I can see that

You: What about you?

Stranger: I'm looking for interesting strangers.

You: Yeah?

Stranger: Right.

You: Any luck?

Stranger: No, I'm out of luck lately.

You: Hahah

You: This place is filled with freaks

You: No wonder

Stranger: Haha, I've seen it all.

Stranger: What's your name?

You: Let's use a nick

You: Id

You: What about you?

Stranger: Nox.

You: Okay, Nox

Stranger: Nice to meet you.

You: Nice to meet you

You: hmm

Stranger: Yes?

You: Why Nox?

Stranger: It means "night" in Latin.

You: Oh really?

You: Cool

You: You like the night?

Stranger: Of course, it inspires me.

You: Haha

You: You watch the stars?

You: Something like that?

Stranger: I watch the darkness.

You: Eh?

You: What's so intriguing about the darkness?

Stranger: The mystery. Absence of colors yet they are still there, strangers in the night...

Stranger: I simply enjoy it.

Stranger: It's easy to rest and think when the everyday life has fallen asleep.

You: Yeah, I can feel that one

Stranger: What do you prefer, day or night?

You: Night

You: Because I like to be alone

You: Well not to say that I'm kinda aloof

Stranger: I see, you like to relax.

You: Haha, yeah, perhaps

You: Say, you like cats?

Stranger: Yes, I have a lot of them.

You: Wow, cool

You: Haha

You: I used to have lots of them, too

Stranger: If I'm not mistaken, I have eight cats.

Stranger: They come and go, some decide to stay.

Stranger: My home is like a train station for them.

Stranger: Drop off, eat, drink, rest... Catch the next train.

Stranger: Breathe some fresh air.

You: And you're the one watching them

You: Observing them

You: as they come and go

You: haha

Stranger: I'm the station manager, haha.

You: So how does it feel?

You: Being the station manager

Stranger: It's quite artistic.

Stranger: A bit like being here, but feeling the nature around me.

Stranger: Cats tend to be like strangers here.

Stranger: They'll sneak into the house and grab a piece of pie, some even open the doors.

Stranger: Male cats can't tolerate their kind, like the "asl" people here.

Stranger: If they really need to eat, meowing with an angel's voice is heard.

Stranger: And in the end, the bored and lazy ones come and do their ritual - paws up, pawns down on my belly. Sleeping occurs.

Stranger: I see the similarities between them and strangers here, hence I say that this site is like a train station.

You: Hmmmm

You: do you see me like one of the cats that come to your house?

Stranger: I don't know you well. Even the last cat that came here is more familiar to me.

You: Haha okay

You: Fair enough

You: A stranger is a stranger after all

Stranger: Until befriended.

Stranger: If the chance is missed, then strangers remain what they were.

You: That is correct

You: Haha

You: I've met lots of strangers that I wish I could befriend

You: But I just passed the chance away, time and again

Stranger: Rinse and repeat in a heart's beat.

You: Rinse and repeat in a heart's beat?

Stranger: It usually is, the answer to asl quiz.

You: Haha yeah?

Stranger: Until you find, the soul for your mind.

You: The soul for my mind ehh...

Stranger: A lot of trouble to meet.

Stranger: The right person with a good treat.

You: :D

Stranger: :)

You: Hey, that rhymes

You: I like you haha

Stranger: All of a sudden?!

You: Haha sorry

You: If that came out wrong

Stranger: No need to apologize.

Stranger: I'm just surprised.

You: Haha well, it's kinda like

You: Not the 'I like you' expression

You: But I like you, as a person

You: haha

You: you're very interesting

Stranger: I find you capable of finding interest.

You: Yeah?

You: Well I'm flattered

You: I thought I'm such a boring person

You: Haha :P

Stranger: I have a question to ask.

You: Yes?

Stranger: Do you have any instant messenger or perhaps e-mail? I have to go now.

Stranger: It would be such a shame to end this conversation.

You: Yes, I believe so too

You:

You: you do msn?

Stranger:

You: that's my email for msn

Stranger: Yes, I do.

You: Cool

You: :)

Stranger: Well then, salutations!

You: Salutations, then

You: :D

O

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

The character "Rose Walker" in The Sandman #65

Don't Forget Me

I'm an ocean in your bedroom
Make you feel warm
Make you wanna re-assume
Now we know it all for sure

I'm a dance hall dirty breakbeat
Make the snow fall up from underneath your feet
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'm a meth lab first rehab
Take it all off
And step inside the running cab
There's a love that knows the way

I'm the rainbow in your jail cell
All the memories of everything you've ever smelled
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Ooooh...
Don't forget me I can't hide it
Come again get me excited

I'm an inbred and a pothead
Two legs that you spread
Inside the tool shed
Now we know it all for sure

I could show you
To the free field overcome and more will always be revealed
Not alone I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Oooh...
Don't forget me I can't hide it
Come again make me excited

Ooooh...
(Sideways falling
More will be revealed my friend)
Don't forget me I can't hide it
There's a match now let me light it

I'm the bloodstain
On your shirt sleeve
Coming down and more are coming to believe
Now we know it all for sure

Make the hair stand
Up on your arm
Teach you how to dance
Inside the funny farm
Not alone, I'll be there
Tell me when you want to go

I'll be there and tell me when you want to go
Come on then and tell me when you want to go
More will be revealed my friend

That other day when I went to the Pacific with my sis, I made a detour to the Popular bookstore. That's when I found an array of stacked cassettes being sold for only 2 ringgit a piece. And then when I found an RHCP best hits collection, I immediately bought it

And man, how nostalgic it is to be listening to cassettes while riding in the car, plus nowadays unlike in my childhood I'm the one doing all the driving. Sometimes, late at night I would just drive around the city with the windows down and reeling in the open air, the sweet sweet sound of Frusciante playing the guitar and Kiedis soul-wrenching vocal drift me in my own world...

Tomorrow I'll be on my way back to Shah Alam. I'll miss my mum, that's for sure. And my hometown friends. Somehow this holiday doesn't seem as lame as it used to be, because of them. And because of them too, now I'm more than sure that Jitra is my home now, the place where I truly belong

Now, a new semester waits. French, literature, stuff... HAIH

.45

Send away for a priceless gift
One not subtle, one not on the list
Send away for a perfect world
One not simply, so absurd
In these times of doing what you're told
You keep these feelings, no one knows

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Send a message to the unborn child
Keep your eyes open for a while
In a box high up on the shelf,
left for you, no one else
There's a piece of a puzzle known as life
Wrapped in guilt, sealed up tight

What ever happened to the young man's heart
Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45

And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
And I'm swimming through the ashes of another life
There is no real reason to accept the way things have changed
Staring down the barrel of a 45, 45
Staring down the barrel of a 45.

Blank

Hello? Anybody there?

Seems like everyone else is always having something to write about. Me, I kinda lost on what to write here. It's not like I don't have anything to write about, in fact there's a lot of idea floating about in my head. It's just that most of it is just personal and self-pity, and dangerous idea about something dangerous

So yeah, I'm wondering, is anybody reading my blog currently? Tell me, what should I write about here. Or you can suggest something for me to read...?

Not As We - Alanis Morissette

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain

Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand

Feign brave with steel intent
little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
with not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as i
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Not necessarily meant for me. But I dedicate this for you, yes, definitely

Tag

It's been such a long time since I played along with this tag thingy. And I never thought that I will ever do it again

Oh well

1- Apa yang bermain di fikiran anda sekarang??
A lot of things. That and that and that, craps and bullshits

2- Apakah nama samaran u'all?? ( =.=" )
Banyak~ Especially during sekolah menengah, but now I'd stick with just ariff

3- Berikan 3 orang yg u'all sayang...
Idiot

4- Panggilan utk si DIA
...

5- Hadiah yg korang impikan dari seseorang istimewa..
Let's just leave it to that special someone to know ehh

6- Blog mane korang suke visit??
A lot. Especially those with really crafty penmanship

7- Tag kan kepada 15 org rakan blogger korang..
Sesiapa yg baca ni lah. I think since I last changed my url, nobody else had come here anymore except for a little few...

Happiness - The Fray

Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
Home, home, home

Heh.

Cool Normal

And oh yeah I have inner monologue voice like some characters in Stephen King's books and JD from the series Scrubs, does that count too?. Wait, I too play out freaky imaginations in my head like JD always do

O_O"

Stars Above

Du grosses Gestirn! Was wäre dein Glück, wenn du nicht Die hättest, welchen du leuchtest!

You great star, what would your happiness be had you not those for whom you shine?
~Friedrich Nietzsche~

Have you ever once in your life, lie on a field somewhere during the night and just gaze into the star-filled sky, counting the bits and making out all the constellations? I don't know about other people, but when I was a kid back then, it's kind of my hobby, other than playing games. Which contributed to my early childhood insomnia back then

I would just gaze, and gaze and gaze, without putting much thought on why I would waste so much time of sleep hours just for the hours, mind you when I was a child like any other child I don't pretty much have any other worries in life. I would just continue gazing into the stars, with the time passing by and my body getting used to the cold breeze of the night...

All just because the stars were so mesmerizing, and they still are, and if not for the demanding needs and pressure of my life I would have surely had been wasting half of my life by now gazing at the stars

I guess it's a well known fact that their lights are originated from somewhere a heck lots of million light years away that the source of the light, which is the stars, might actually have died out, leaving only the starlight on our night sky. Isn't that just amazing, the way that something so magnificent could originate from a notion so hopeless it's downright depressing?

But then again, it's not so uncommon here in this world itself. If we just open our eyes and look at our surroundings, we can see a lots of things just happen that way. For example, a true mother will always love their children, no matter what their children do it will not dampen their love, even if their children are murderers or rapist or like. And that's just one example

Perhaps I can say that the starlight above us represents love in a way? The stars up in the sky might not even be there now, yet their light still reaches us, guiding us in our lives and inspiring hope and instilling happiness, even for just a bit and for a short while. Sometimes, when we are sad or depressed, we can just talk a walk outside, and when we watched the sky, we can smile for the sight of the stars above, and say Alhamdulillah for such a beautiful creation

All while the stars fade out, somewhere in the corner of the space far away. Unknown, and alone in infinite darkness. One hell of a sacrifice when we think about it ehh, should the stars be personified to have thoughts and feelings just like us humans

As for me, I really wish that I can be like the stars. To give something for the people that I really care about and love, even if it meant for me to lose every part of me. What would my happiness be had me not for those that I love?

The Lone Black Cat

Talk about good luck and bad luck in this world. I'm still pretty pissed off with the notion that black cat brings bad luck, they are witches in hiding, bring the dead back and stuff. Not only they are a bunch of crap made up by the society, imagine all the treatment that all the black cats have to endure

Though I'm not really here to write about such, I've vent it all here all too much already. It's not like the world will change and treat the animals better anyway, but I can surely take pride by knowing that I've tried. Again and again

Surely I'm darn sure that I have no longer interest in writing in long length, extremely long at that sometimes. Pouring out just whatever happened to cross my mind at that time, never minding when to stop, nicely placing the paragraph, checking for grammatical errors and stuff. And I'm pretty darn sure that somewhere along the way, I gave up because I know that, it just doesn't matter. Surely when I read back whatever I've wrote, unless I'm aggravated by my past self naivety or grammar mistakes, I'm moved by it, I feel something for it

But nothing more than just a mere feeling. Simply a poetry of the heart yearning for something impossible. A sigh of my own misfortunes through my set of deceiving eyes even when I realized that there others who have it worse. A desire to do something that my heart feels like it, the despair of not having able to do it, for example playing the piano and the guitar, and drawing. Complaints of idle life, when I know myself that I can do something to fill the gap somehow, held back only by sloth, leaving behind nothing but just regrets

And senseless talk about love, where I don't even know what love is in the first place. I'm such a fool, I'm such a fool, and every time I repeat that phrase I still don't understand what went wrong, what did I do to lose such a place in her heart...

Oh yes, all of the stuff that I had written above is the reason why I had stopped writing much recently. Yet here I am, writing like how I'm used to, contradicting my own self-made motivation. I think I know why I'm writing again. It's the exact same feeling that I've felt back then

The same feeling that I know everyone else in the world is feeling partly in their life. Yet we all can't embrace each other to make that feeling go away, unless we know that the opposite side is someone that you truly trust and care about. Perhaps that's what 'love' is all about?

...And I shall stop here before I write anything else nonsensical and embarrassing to me. I can crap all I want here, but yeah, life goes on out there. The me that everyone else sees everyday and interact with will always stay the same, regardless of whatever I'm really trying to say to the world inside my heart. The shell that I put around me, the wall hiding behind the truth, it will always stay there

Only these words may sometime reveals a part of me. But only words, nothing else for me. As I watched all the cats that get shunned by certain people, roaming the streets alone, a bit of admiration rose inside of me. How they can be independent, without relying on others

I wonder, how can they stay strong in being alone in the dark, while my heart is such a fragile one...

The Second Chapter. Epilogue

It's over man. Like, I've experienced the very best of modernism and now I'm on the track of experiencing nihilism. Woo-hoo, nothing's meaningful anymore, I can just be free of everything, no more crisis, no more financial burden, no more longing for something impossible. Perfect nothingness

This semester is over. Finally~

Everything Changes

If you just walked away

What could I really say?

Would it matter anyway?

Would it change how you feel?

I am the mess you chose

The closet you cannot close

The devil in you i suppose

'Cause the wounds never heal

But everything changes

If I could

Turn back the years

If you could

Learn to forgive me

Then I could learn to feel

Sometimes the things I say

In moments of disarray

Succumbing to the games we play

To make sure that it's real

But everything changes

If I could

Turn back the years

If you could

Learn to forgive me

Then I could learn to feel

When it's just me and you

Who knows what we could do

If we can just make it through

The toughest part of the day

But everything changes

If I could

Turn back the years

If you could

Learn to forgive me

Then I could

Learn how to feel

Then we could

Stay here together

And we could

Conquer the world

If we could

Say that forever

Is more than just a word

If you just walked away

What could I really say?

And would it matter anyway?

It wouldn't change how you feel

500 Days of Summer

Just watched 500 Days of Summer. Been wanting to do so since I knew that Zooey Deschanel acted in it haha. And you know, certain something sometime just can't help but to happen at the most crucial of time, the time where it hits straight at the heart

I love it at the beginning of the story. By the middle of it somehow I began to hate it. I began to hate it so much, because it's starting to reflect something in me. By the end of it, somehow I became glad to have watched it. I don't know why, but this particular story felt so close at heart, with the guy in the movie having so much similarities with me, and even the almost same situation

However, the guy in the movie became a better man in the end of the movie. He found the answer he's been looking for in his life. He found the freaking answer, which I hadn't been able to do so. He even moved on, despite all the love is fantasy and bullshit stint he was deluded in before, and found Autumn

Unlike me. The jerk who stays a jerk. And no, loneliness is not overrated as mentioned in the movie

It hurts. Like hell

a Dead Etong

A miracle is a bunch of crap. It does not happen. There's a reason for everything that had happened. No use in waiting for something to happen without doing anything. Worse still when you neglect what's more important. Yeah, a miracle is a bunch of crap, developed for those desperate people for hopes

No such thing. I gave up. I gave up on her indefinitely. No more waiting. Time to move on

Time to move on... Again

Oh yeah, happy birthday me. Seems like a lot of people 'remember' it on Facebook, but them who are really important are either unable to wish it to me, or just don't freaking care, or just simply forget.

Oh well

Ignorant

I'm exhausted. Mentally, physically, totally. Writing this down and feeling like a total idiot that is desperate for attention doesn't even mean anything now. I'm just too damn exhausted to even care, I just want to write this one down

Everything's changing. Turning into a painful deja vu of what had happened during the drama period of the asasi year. Perhaps even worse. Cause this time around, I feel like screaming at everyone

"What the hell is wrong you guys?!"

I'm hurt. Nobody listens anymore. Mom's not here anymore, no one to call. Dad's gone, sis' way too busy with work

The peculiar thing is, I don't feel like giving it away just yet, unlike before. I'm not bitter, I'm not hateful, it's just that I feel ignorant. Ignorant of what is going on

And being ignorant is the worst thing that could happen to me. Especially now..

Tumblr

I'm on Tumblr now. It's really cool, it is, and if you aren't still using it by now, I suggest to take look, and perhaps then create one too :D. If you want to take a look at mine, then be my guest

Okay, back to assignments. Finals too haaaa~

Of the Place I Was Born and the Place I Was Raised

My mom's going to leave me soon, tomorrow to be exact. So that means that I didn't get to meet her beforehand. Plus the fact that by next week even if I do finally have some free time to go back home, nobody is going to be there, not my father, not my sister, and certainly not my brother

That mean I'm stuck here for another three weeks then. Here in Shah Alam, not my home, just a place I'm staying for a while. Yeah, sure, the place is kind of great and cool here, and I get to meet a lot of nice people and have some awesome friends here. But Jitra holds many memories that I cherish inside my heart, and the only friend that I can call true friend is there also

So it's only natural that I would damn well miss my home. Perhaps it won't matter if I go back and stayed in my home alone. I can survive on my own, plus I don't need any company right now, heck I don't even feel like having one at all

I know I shouldn't be talking like this all negative and emo-ish. Plus now I have someone to reprimand me whenever I'm acting up like this, haha. I used to have my mom to do that for me, but as I grew more and more apart from home, only her advices and her doa seem to reach me

Yes, she's special. I didn't tell her much about me, as I did with other people, only what I deemed to be necessary. But somehow, she understand me in a way that I couldn't understand myself whenever I look in the mirror. Her words hurt me so much that I cry, yet it was the same one that could bring me back to my senses and be happy again

Because of her one of my vain wish was revived. I know I'm just a nobody to her, just another acquaintance or at least a friend to talk to, but yeah, right now she's become a part of me. To me, she's like a reflection of the unborn child that I had always wished to be here with me, the one I wished to fill up the loneliness in me

To that someone, I *cough cough* you. Erkh, it seems like all the ass-busting during the EIF program is starting to take it's toll on me. What I want to say is that, I *cough cough* you...

Really, I *cough cough* you

Oh crap. Haha :P

...

I'm the biggest jerk. I'm the biggest fool. I'm the biggest Mr. Insensitive.

Now she won't even answer my call. What am I supposed to do?

I Miss Something About Something

There's a lot to be reminded for us human, kan kan? Tun Dr. Mahathir himself has quoted that "Melayu Mudah Lupa", which means that we Malays are such a forgetful fellow. Plus, it is stated in the al-Quran that humans are created with two main flaws, one being that we are lazy, the other is that we are forgetful

With being forgetful can be related to many things in this life, I want to stress on the fact that one always forget that Allah is always there for you. There's a fine reason that He bestowed you with the gift of Life in this world. And He gives us many obstacles and challenges in this life for a good reason too. To sweat it is to be ungrateful of the thing that we never asked for, but is the perfect gift that we could never ever hoped of achieved from gaining from someone else

I forgot that Allah gives us dugaan in this life to teach us, or to show us something. I forgot that in the times of hardship that we get to find out the true nature of our friends. We get to know who is it that genuinely care for you, who is it that befriend you for something beneficial to them, who is it that only acts as your friend because they are forced to, who is it that may look indifferent but deep inside really care for you, who is it that has actually was separated from you, who is it that will ultimately stab you from behind

Yeah I forget things, sometimes something so dire that I feel so ashamed of it. Back then, should I ever forget anything, I'd have my mom to remind me of it. But now...

Self, Self, Self

Somehow I think, there's nothing left for me to gain in this life. Sometimes all the things that happened somehow simultaneously just tend to make me to stop. Stop altogether where everything else just doesn't seem to even matter anymore

Last night, I nearly decided to just jump off some cliff or wherever high enough. If I die, then I will die, bearing all the sins and the guilt with me. But if I live, I promised myself to live to the fullest, living only for the present, and no care whatsoever for the past or the future

But then again, I didn't have the heart to do it, as the case of it with everything else. At this point, I just hate myself so much that the pain inside was already oblivious, blurred within distinction of what is right and what is wrong. I just don't know what else to do, yet I'm still living this life

As grateful as I am, I can't help but wonder why am I given a life in this world. Pondering upon the chances itself, sometimes I believe that perhaps the unborn child before me would make a better person than I am. He or she would perhaps live to my parents expectation and be even better or at least in the league of my sisters and my brother, who all of studied overseas. He or she would at least appreciate this life more than I do, and would not give up in life in any way

Or at least, if he or she was alive, at least I won't have to grow up lonely. I will have someone to talk to, someone to play with. I know I have three sisters growing up with me, and my brother only when I was 12, but they weren't always there, plus they have their own children to think of. I always wished to have a little sister or a little brother, but now I know that wish is just absurd

I need someone to tell me not to give it up just yet, but lately it seems like there's nobody that would be ever doing such a kindness to me. I can't really say that I have already given up on friendship as I did with my future life, but I'm close

I'm so that damn close...

The Past and The Present

Stop blaming others. Stop regretting of what had happened and to just let it be, without thinking that it is all over. Because no, it is not hopeless. Because the only way you can change the past is the way you feel about the present, and only then can the future be enlightened upon you. No such thing as "there's no future for me," or "there's nothing more, nothing left, it's the end of me"

Well yeah, if it is was true for me, something that I can confidently tell others, then a whole damn lot of my problem and worries would be solved by itself. And I would go screaming my heart out, preferably in a drizzle of rain, to add to the extremity of it. But like, the past still stay as it is was, the pink-now-brown scars still remained there as it is, this terrible heart beating like hell when I'm under anxiety attack is still present and occurring. So like, yeahhhhhh, wth anyways

I am very grateful to Allah that I'm even alive today. If you are someone very close to me, or if I happen to be in the mood of sharing, then you would now how I was bought upon into this world. How hard it is for my mother to had given birth to me the way that it was...

But still sometimes when I look in the mirror, I still bear the seething of the image of the one that I'm looking at. If only... I could end it and be free from all of it

***

I met her twice today. And our meeting today could as well be our last. Though I have a several reasons saying that she will be back here the next sem, somehow it seems more fitting to see that it is our last encounter of each other. Perhaps of because the way we talk to each other, she looked so dissapointed at my own lack of emotion seeing that this is her last day here. Or perhaps because of something that I said to her a few days earlier. Or perhaps it was just me, standing there and not saying anything that is needed to be said to her, afraid to say goodbye to her

It doesn't even matter, because it is all in the past now

"You macam takde perasaan pon I nak balik dah ni"

"I don't show my emotions. It's just who I am"

*Silence*

"Here, take this. Bye..."

I had countless times before told others that I'm a jerk, so much that I didn't realize of how much I had became one. And how I didn't realize how much I'm hurt as much as I hurt others through my own action

And I didn't realized until now that it has been almost two years since I last cried because of a girl, a woman other than my mom and my sisters...

Love Me Because of Allah, and I'll Love You the Same

So you know, I've heard this story from around the neighbourhood, and it's a true story. It's just a simple story, but amazing nevertheless, and I feel like sharing a bit :)

There's this man, and he's from Kelantan. He's happily married to a girl, and was blessed with many beautiful children. However, one day his short-lived happiness was cut short by an unfortunate event, where his wife got into an accident and was paralyzed from head to bottom. Such a tragedy would have broken any other man, but he somehow persevered, and went on to take care of his wife and his children dutifully. For one whole year, he tended to his wife's need. Every lunch break he'd rushed to the hospital, and in the evening right after he was finished he would go straight to the hospital and stayed there by his wife's side until tomorrow morning

His wife died eventually, leaving him and their children alone in this world. He went on to live as a single father, taking good care of his children and never got remarried again

There's this woman, and she's from Kedah. She's happily married to a man, and was blessed with many beautiful children. They were together for a very long time, having the luxury of watching their children to grow up perfectly and living the blessed life of husband and wife. However, one day her husband was struck down by a terrible disease and he was paralyzed from the middle all the way to the legs. He had to stay on a wheelchair 24/7, and because of that, he lost his job. For three whole years, she had to take care of him and put up with all his despair and disappointment all by herself

Her husband died eventually, leaving her alone in this world. Their children was all grown up and have a place of their own now, leaving her cursed to a world of loneliness

They are the perfect example of a loving human being, unselfish to the end. They stayed by their significant other, through every thick and thin, without asking for anything in return. And now, after everything that they had gone through, Allah meets them up together, and soon they will be married to each other. Isn't that just fair, a loyal person with another loyal one? :) Alhamdulillah, and Barakatullah always to them

I've heard from somewhere I can't remember that, whoever we are married to in this world will be with us at Syurga too, given that they love each other because of Allah. I've also heard that if we are married with so many person in this life, we will be with the best spouse in Syurga. I just can't help it but smile at such acknowledgment, wondering of who will accompany me, now and forever, literally

I know I'm still too young, too naive, and too inexperienced to even think about such matter. But should Allah grants me the chance of sharing this love, this eternity love, I will make the best out of it. Even if I'm meant to stay alone in this world, I know there's a reason for all of it, and there will be no regret in my heart

Now I'm letting go of the past, and live the life to the fullest, no more regret :D