I'm a weak person, as I am incomplete as a human being. Whatever I do, there's always something bound to go wrong and cause harm to either myself or unfortunately others. No matter how much thought I put into it, I'm alive, I'm here for a reason, and I can't deny it. There's no contradicting that, despite all I tried to force myself to believe, based on the situation
Even when I'm writing this one down, my ego keeps screaming inside of me, putting me off every time I tried to express my feelings. It keeps reminding me of how much had I suffered by waiting for them, of trying to forgive them. Of why I should just forget about them, and let bygone be bygone. But how could I do so? All of those fond memories that I had shared with them, I just can't forget them all in an instance. I loved them all so much, I can't ever think of seeing them as just strangers the next time I will wake up
Then I look at the mirror, perhaps it is my own fault. Maybe it's paranoia, or maybe it's just me, thinking too much like always. But this I know; I'm not dependable enough, I'm so lazy that at some point it only cause others trouble, I'm too emotional that it cause miseries to people around me. I don't know who really cares about me, and perhaps I never will. Maybe its because I'm too selfish, even to myself. I'm never true to myself, pretty much to those people that I love
But whatever it is, the impending silent and the unbearable loneliness of having no one to talk to is simply too much. Let my ego scream inside, let others think that I'm pathetic or lame to post this publicly that people can see and read, let it be. I couldn't care anymore
How I wrote, I wrote, I wrote, pieces by pieces of everything inside of me between lines of each words in this very post. Yet I don't feel like telling anybody, especially not here, and so I deleted everything. It's too weird, nobody will understand, I'm afraid of how they'll judge me afterward
I guess my ego win. I don't know what to make of this, what do I get from this? Why the hell I'm even writing this, and still deleting whatever it is that I had really meant to express?