Nobody likes to be lonely. Whatever they might say, deep inside we're all just the same in that sense. What makes us different individually is how we perceive that loneliness and the degree of it that we can bear as a human being
Let me share with you something about me. I absolutely hate to be lonely. I can't bear the thought of being lonely without a company, so much that I cringe and I start to panic and feels like screaming to know that I will be alone. And it's not that I need someone by my side all the time, what's important to me is the connection. Even if I'm alone in a big city somewhere surrounded by vague mass of strangers, if I know that there is a familiar face somewhere to talk to, I'll be just fine. I can't bear it if people that I know ignores me, funny thoughts would enter my mind, like they hate me, I did something wrong, said something wrong, I'm ugly and they're ignoring me, and I will just push myself away from people to be alone. Despite how much I hate to be lonely...
I went back to my kampung during the second day of raya. It was incredibly silent with almost virtually no one around. Though I had expected this beforehand, witnessing the truth in front of me was shatteringly devastating. So much of my memories flew around my head, spinning endlessly in a tale inside my head of my childhood. So much was lost, so much was gone with the wind, even when it all felt like it had happened just yesterday
That old wooden house is empty. The termites are everywhere, eating up every bits of woods that holds the house high and mighty. The bushy growth by the side of the paddy field adds to the gloomy feeling, the river where we used to catch laga fish in it has run completely dry. I no longer know that place, the place where I used to grow up with my cousins. All the rombongan duit raya, perang meriam buluh kampung, mercun time orang semayang, gasing, guli, bola, sleeping together with only the wooden floor as nesting place during the night while we talked about who we are going to marry in the future
All gone, left behind as only memories to either cherish or forget
Now the pieces are all over the place. Our centre of the universe is already gone, nothing else will bring us back to that one special place like how it used to be. But I know, and I can still remember, all of our memories back then, I will never let it go to waste. I will keep on searching the pieces, and I will try my best to keep it together like how it used to be. Everything changes, but our bond will always be the same, be it stronger or weaker as time weaves on
I'm not alone in this world, as I need to keep reminding myself. Somehow somewhere, people care about you and they love you, as much as you care and you love them. One just need to remember, need to hold on to the memories of the past...