This one is for Span Kempis. I'm writing again, yeah

I don't know what to write anymore after so long I've left this place here. I've been really keen on writing time and again, but to no avail did I achieve in finding the right mood to do it. Up to the point that I wonder that maybe I used to have no difficulty, well maybe not as much as this, to write as easily as I did back then was because writing seemed to be something of a necessity. It just flowed that way because it felt so right, as if each stringing words are like the tears flowing down cheek that I've been holding on for some time.

It kinda took me some while to realize that all of it is maybe due to the fact that I'm a changed man now. Not until one day that I was randomly buzzed out about the late release of Naruto manga or something that I somehow decided to skim through the old statuses I posted on Facebook, thanks to Timeline for enabling this (another hard realization there). I was surprised to hear myself saying "What a wuss!", before I finally saw that I'm an extremely different person now. Of course we realize and say that we are changed person and tomorrow we learn something new and change etcetera etcetera, but here I see that it's not just something like new habits or new sayings that I've adopted over the change, but it's like, I'm a totally different person entirely, a different core, a different soul.

Some are positive changes, some are negative, naturally. But it feel really weird somehow. I used to hate my old self so much for all the missed chances in life because I was so painfully shy and wouldn't open my mouth just because I was so goddamn afraid. But he, that old me, was a really nice specimen human being, and no I'm not flattering myself here. He was such a lonely person growing up that he appreciates every friends that he has and hold them with such love for fear of losing them, so much that even if they were to hurt him bad he would easily forgive them just for the sake of it. He, the old me, didn't have any bad habits like I have now, like the cuts on my hand or the frequent late night outs or shishas. He won't ignore people, he won't take people for granted. He held such high respect towards woman because he was raised with three loving sisters and mom, that in his mind he could never thought of a woman being wrong in anything, in argument or in a relationship, it will always be the man's fault.

That old me might say that he is 'bitter' or something, but he was never something like that. I am bitter. I am the big ball of negativity that presides the line between faith and godless stand. I no longer see things in positive perspectives, I easily judge everything as doomed. And goddammit, I don't know what I'm supposed to be, or what I really want to see each time I'm facing the mirror. The good and the bad, it is always the war that I have to face within myself. I can never be perfect in the way perfect would be perfect in my mind. And upon coming to this realization, I feel like either giving up entirely, or moving on better prepared this time around.

Nostalgia, a noun, is a sentimental yearning for a happy place or time. And of course, being a normal being I have this very same notion in my life. The old me, he once posted "Tonight, I will tell her everything." That, I believe, was the turning point of my life. Everything started to change there. If anybody ever bother to ask me that should I ever be able to choose a period of my life, and live it eternally in a perpetual eternity, then I would say the half a year period before the night he posted that status.

Because in truth, that one thing never changes. This feeling for her never changes no matter who I've become, no matter how deep I've fallen.