The Past and The Present

Stop blaming others. Stop regretting of what had happened and to just let it be, without thinking that it is all over. Because no, it is not hopeless. Because the only way you can change the past is the way you feel about the present, and only then can the future be enlightened upon you. No such thing as "there's no future for me," or "there's nothing more, nothing left, it's the end of me"

Well yeah, if it is was true for me, something that I can confidently tell others, then a whole damn lot of my problem and worries would be solved by itself. And I would go screaming my heart out, preferably in a drizzle of rain, to add to the extremity of it. But like, the past still stay as it is was, the pink-now-brown scars still remained there as it is, this terrible heart beating like hell when I'm under anxiety attack is still present and occurring. So like, yeahhhhhh, wth anyways

I am very grateful to Allah that I'm even alive today. If you are someone very close to me, or if I happen to be in the mood of sharing, then you would now how I was bought upon into this world. How hard it is for my mother to had given birth to me the way that it was...

But still sometimes when I look in the mirror, I still bear the seething of the image of the one that I'm looking at. If only... I could end it and be free from all of it

***

I met her twice today. And our meeting today could as well be our last. Though I have a several reasons saying that she will be back here the next sem, somehow it seems more fitting to see that it is our last encounter of each other. Perhaps of because the way we talk to each other, she looked so dissapointed at my own lack of emotion seeing that this is her last day here. Or perhaps because of something that I said to her a few days earlier. Or perhaps it was just me, standing there and not saying anything that is needed to be said to her, afraid to say goodbye to her

It doesn't even matter, because it is all in the past now

"You macam takde perasaan pon I nak balik dah ni"

"I don't show my emotions. It's just who I am"

*Silence*

"Here, take this. Bye..."

I had countless times before told others that I'm a jerk, so much that I didn't realize of how much I had became one. And how I didn't realize how much I'm hurt as much as I hurt others through my own action

And I didn't realized until now that it has been almost two years since I last cried because of a girl, a woman other than my mom and my sisters...