Regression of Personality

Who in the world doesn't miss his or her own childhood? Well, perhaps some unfortunate people who had it real harsh back then probably won't agree, but yeah, most of us do and really miss the time our younger times, be it sweet or bitter

My memory of my childhood is very vague in its reality to me. I sometimes wonder whether I even existed before, like in some mysterious way I just popped out of anywhere, and am who I am today. That is so exaggerating it, I know, but I'm just want to show how serious it is to me, how I'm feeling as a reaction to it. Sometimes it scares me, like, when I looked back into my life, I can only see a black hole, a nothingness filled with darkness. All I have is the story that my parent and my siblings have told me, but even that feels like lies, as I have no recollection whatsoever of it

Lately, I'm feeling a bit uneasy. Like, somehow I'm not being in control of myself sometimes. Doing things that normally I won't do, which I wouldn't discuss here. Sometimes I put myself into a risk, sometimes I do something really stupid. And only just recently I had realized it that I'm actually very childish now, and the weird thing is that it feels like I will become more and more childish as time passes on, contrary on that I should get matured as I grow older, not the other way around

But, on a more positive note, this me that I am now is actually pushing me to be a better person in life. I know that I'm a changed person from the last few years back, by looking at how I view myself, how I interact with other people by my side. I'm still a painfully shy guy, but at least now when I already get to know someone, I'm able to make myself comfortable of being with them, unlike back then where I hardly trust anyone, and it takes so much time for me to open up to anyone

I used to be afraid of the dark. Whenever I sleep, I need the light to be turned on until I sleep. But now, I can't sleep unless I'm fully embraced by the darkness. I feel warm and safe by the absence of light. I used to be fine of just being alone. In fact I kind of enjoyed the loneliness that I had, because I don't need to put up with all the belittling and damnation around me. But now, I'm like someone who is mono-phobic. I hate it when I'm alone, and when people just ignore me when I'm right in front of them, like they won't even register my existence

The thing I really wanted to say is that, I miss myself, I miss Ariffuddin Yusof, as corny as that may sound. The more I wanted control in my life, the more it seems like it is slipping away from me. Isn't it to be yourself is to be free of yourself, to be just living the life as it is, given that we perform our duty to Allah? As lost and confused of who I really am, I can still remember a time when I was little, that I am me, in and out of life, completely endearing every bit of it

I was with my mom, just the two of us. I think at that time, we were both watching the sky. I asked her, where we all come from. She said it was a pure nothingness. I then visualized what's it like to be in a pure nothingness, but nothing came up. Only when I closed my eyes, then I can see or at least fathom a little bit of what a pure nothingness is all about. I was suddenly terrified, I cried at the thought of a pure nothingness

However, she calmed me down, stroking my hair as she whispered soft and comforting words into my ear. She said that Allah created us all, Allah has given us the life in this world, therefore I must be thankful for that. Still shaken from before, I realized that should Allah do not granted me this life that I have right now, I would be a part of the pure nothingness, an engulfing darkness with no end. I hugged my mom so hard as if I can't let her go, and promised to myself to be the best human being I can ever be

I already forgot the feeling I had then, plus the memory of that time is already vague in my mind. But still, it is something worth to strive for in this life. Especially now, when I need it the most

As I lay down, I can just hope and doa that I won't go astray from the right path predetermined for me since birth. I can just hope and doa that all of this confusion is just a test for me to make me stronger, and will go away when the time is right...

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