Waiting...

Salam. Here I am again, not sleeping during night time like a normal human being supposed to. I wonder what effect it will have on my body, as last semester I had frequent headache out of it. Back then I stayed up doing last minute assignments and study, so I guess it's okay? Lately my eyes have been blurry, but I've been through that also, so I won't worry much

Today I plan to sleep early... Truly... But today's feeling is not good at all. Not good at all...

What am I doing, someone might ask. The perfect cover is yeah, I'm playing games. Alongside that, I watch movies, download them and some anime and games too. Yeah, pretty much it is just that, and it does get lonely sometimes. But lately, those two boys have slept late themselves, giving me a bit of companion for a little while. That is, until they go to sleep eventually...

And yeah, it does get lonely. Why do I even bother staying up this late, when all I can do during this time can also be done during some other time...

I saw you just now, online. In fact, I saw you online since 10 p.m or something. It's been a while since I've seen your presence anywhere, and I must admit, I feel quite elevated because of that. And again, I can do nothing, you see. Helpless before the screen, wanting to so much say something to you, yet I know I can't because of my own past mistake...

I sincerely hoped that you will say something to me, or at least buzzed me, and then if you want to ignore me again, I don't care. During this time of the night, I was waiting, and waiting for a miracle to happen. Whatever I do during this time, I would sometimes pause and take a glance at the desktop, madly hoping that your name appears...

You know, I've waited so long for you. And when you are there, there's nothing that I can do. Yes, I know that all these hopes are in vain, futile as one might put it, but I'm still waiting. I'm still waiting. I've neglected many thing, so many thing for something that is not very certain, yet I still cling on dearly on it, as if my life depends on it...

Why do I still wait for you? My friends tell me to get over you, they tell me that it's not my fault for thing happens this way, it is your choice and there's nothing that I can do. Some even say that you don't deserve me, but how can that be, it was me who hurt you isn't it? I nod, I say yes in acceptance of what they say, but my heart sways from any rational thinking... Still I'm waiting for you...

Why do I still wait for you? Sometime it hurts me so much, it is unbearable. I know I shouldn't cry, so I just keep it all inside, tightly inside. Why do I still wait for you? Sometime it hurts me so much, it just broke out. I know I shouldn't cry, but when I do see your face, and seeing that kind of hatred to me, I no longer can keep it inside. My eyes hurt, perhaps because I've been holding it back for so long...

Am I just a fool? I just wanted to be a friend. I'm not worth it to be anything more to you, I understand that now. Is it a sin to be still thinking about you? Sometimes I feel so guilty, sometimes I feel like that it is something that I should do, as a human being. Why do I still wait for you?

I just don't know anymore...

I see that you have changed now. Even you looks different from before, I don't know, happier perhaps? And you no longer show your weakness to others ever again, as proved from your writing lately. You have been so strong before, I admires you for that, and now you are stronger, perhaps...

I can never understand you, so I get it if you hate me for trying to...

Why do I still wait for you? Can you just tell me, please?...

Makan daging Raya Haji niii XDD

2 comments:

  1. "Women are to be loved, not to be understood." Remember that. Put you in my read list.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks Pok Deng for the advice...

    ReplyDelete