Sorry for Being a Jerk

Salam. I had lost something else recently, and no, its not something physical like before. I think I had lost a friendship from someone, from someone that means a lot to me

But, its not like I'm gonna think so much about it, moping around the faculty just to show my dissatisfaction or to cut myself to relieve myself of this pain. No, I don't think I'm going to do that for now, cause it may bring temporary cure to this emotional distraught, but it will affect me later on, which I think has already begun or something

I tried to smile to her just now, but she won't even look at me. Yeah, since I said to her to just leave me alone cause I don't want to burden her anymore, I guess it just took on, we won't even look at each other in the face. How hurt I am by my own ego there, how I deeply regretted ever saying that to her. I feared so much of her hating me for telling her all of my problem that I can't stand the thought, that one night I just lost all my fair judgement, saying things to hurt her, so that she will just leave me alone

And here I am, all alone, accomplished in my own stupid bravado that a man should suffer alone without depending on anyone. I tried to be what I'm used to be to only realized what a pathetic existence I had lived before, a loner that is stuck-up in his own world. It really sucks, being a teenager, and to this point late in life I only learned of this...

I don't know if I can keep on trying to smile at her and just be like back then. If she were to keep on ignoring me, I don't know if I can bear with it anymore, the guilt of shutting her away from my life. It is hard enough for me to smile to others, and to know that the one you truly care about won't appreciate your smiles...

Aisyah, I'm really sorry. I guess my ego's too big for my own good for me to say this to you personally...

Aku sedang menghabiskan sisa-sisa assignment yang tinggal...