I Hate This Feeling

Salam. You know, I hate of having this feeling. I even hate to say that sentence again, of how I hate to have this kind of feeling. And even others are using it too, to explain something of similiar experience for them, whatever, but in effect, makes me hate saying that even more

To have my heart beating so hard when I'm thinking about it, the image of that face flashing before me. To be so restless and can't focus on my driving because of it, and the tendency of my body to just jump repeatedly like a hyper active kid. To be hating her for so ignorantly ignoring me while I was hoping for her to reach out to me...

But no, not this time. It's all for the wrong reason, for the wrong person. That's why I have to say, I hate of having this stupid feeling, no matter how I hate of saying it. So what? So what? So WHAT?

And I still can't let go of the past. How on earth can I even think of trying to move on? Is this some kind of my own body's mechanism to help me get over the pain and the hurt from before?

Bullshit, or bullpucky (to be polite), all of this...

I hate myself. I hate her too. Ihy, but Ily too, is that even possible?

"i'll do anything for you, follow any orders
but my heart is my own
i'll protect what is dearest to me
whatever is the cost..."

Aku balik, depa pi sana. Sesapa pon tak suka jadi lonely tahu tak?