Wordless Wednesday, eh?

My sister Annies and her son Umar

They're always together, in whatever they do. Hardly ever got separated other than during school time, they are pretty much inseparable. Can you imagine, when Umar was away to his dad's kampung without my sis, he won't ever talk to my sister even when he misses her terribly. He would go into this merajuk state, and totally ignore my sis, only to cry and hug my sister without letting go when he comes back

I don't know why my sister won't have another child when Umar is already nearing 7 years old, but I know of better than asking, given how much my family like to keep secrets away from me. I think I know why, but it doesn't matter, as I just wish that they are happy, the both of them. Especially Umar, he's still young and innocent

Let Them Laugh, Let Them Frown

I'm sentimental
So I walk in the rain
I've got some habits
Even I can't explain
I go to the corner
I end up in Spain
Why try to change me now

I sit and daydream
I've got daydreams galore
Cigarette ashes
There they go on the floor
I go away weekends
Leave my keys in the door
Why try to change me now

Why can't I be more conventional
People talk
And they stare
So I try
But that can't be
Cuz I can't see
My strange little world
Just go passing me by

So let people wonder
Let 'em laugh
Let 'em frown
You know I'll love you
Till the moon's upside down
Don't you remember
I was always your clown
Why try to change me now

Don't you remember
I was always your clown
Why try to change me
Why would you want to change me
Why try to change me now

I think I know better now. It's not that I'm emo as they would call it, but the truth is that I'm an angry man. I'm easily angered even by the smallest thing and the littlest provocation, and I really tend to do stupid things in my spite which I always come to regret later on. I live my life with lots of regret and anger mixed in a very unsettling mix of personality, and I hate myself that way. In a way, I hate him a lot because he is always angry and shouts a lot in the house, and in effect, by hating him deeply I ended up becoming like him

A friend of mine pulled a very nasty prank on me. Even though I had my own doubt that it was him all along, I exploded still when I found out in the end. If you happened to have a link to my Facebook and Twitter, you'll find out just how mad I was and the amount of cursive words I threw in my spite. Of course, I ended up regretting it, and I know people will just make it easier for themselves to label me as emo and all

I just wanted him to know, beneath all that anger and cursing, I was deeply hurt. I won't say this directly to him, as I didn't directed all the cursing at him, but I really needed someone to know that I'm really hurt. If you're gonna say that I'm overreacting over some stupid prank, then fine

Ps: People suffering from aphasia, a loss of the ability to understand words, are significantly better at detecting lies than normal people

Gomen

I'm really sorry for what I've said earlier. I should've just keep it all inside and not to breathe a word about it, much less blog about it. I'm just confused, yes such a cliche reason, but that's it, I'm really confused with how people think, why people react the certain way they do. I don't know if you're really okay about it, but please forgive me?

Now you know why I always call myself a jerk back then

Running and Chasing

I'm trying to write again, but somehow I just can't do it. I no longer feel inspired by my own writing, pretty much to even like it. My writing back then was filled with grammatical errors, mind you, not that I'm proficient enough now, but the way I write was, better I think. I don't know why, I really don't

Maybe it's because how I perceive the world today is different from back then? How what I feel today is different from back then? I've changed a lot, it's been such a revolution, and somehow it has also changed the way I write things. I hate it, I no longer find my writing is of any pleasure to even myself

We keep running, and we keep chasing
There's a big gap, a big hole inside of us
We desperately try to fill it
With everything we see worthy
With everything we just take by chance
And still, nothing seems to be good enough

We search, and we search
We glance towards the sky
We bow down to the earth
We see and we wonder
We realize

We keep running, and we keep chasing
There's a big gap, a big hole inside of us
And we realize, who made the big hole inside of us
As wide as the ocean at the beach
As large as the sky up there
As gigantic as the sun and the moon
As enormous as the universe itself
Our eyes can fathom such greatness
Why can't our heart bear similar magnitude?

Maybe we are not looking up there high enough
Maybe we are not looking down there humble enough
Maybe we are too concerned with people beside us and not beyond
Remember, what is our true purpose here in this world
The One we need the most close to our hearts
The things that we keep on forgetting

To a Swell Friend

I trust people too much. Not people in general, but to a few that I let my guard down and poured everything to them, even the unnecessary things. With this, I can see a pattern. All of those that I decided to give away my secrets, my feelings to them, all ended up "having enough of me". Tired, gave up, had enough of me and all

And the conclusion is? I'm a freak, a jerk that you will really hate once you get to know me. I don't really show my emotions and all at times, but with people that I trust, I tend to just let it go, spill everything out. And get too attached to them

No, I'm not gonna be all negative about this. Yes, I'm freaking sad that people that I thought I can really believe in and really cares was just curious about my problems and once they got to know the real me, decided to have enough. But then again it is my problem, my own fault. My own personality that needed readjusting

Dear swell friend, you are a swell friend and will always be. Thanks for putting up with the nonsense that I put you through haha. Hope you are happy, I needlessly made you unhappy in this senseless episode of my life didn't I?

PS: Bubble tea still on. Just say the word~

Here We Go Again

She used to be so vibrant, so cheerful, so beautiful. She has this really enchanting smile, the lips curved just enough to draw anyone in to her. The way she spoke with such confidence that you feel so alive just by having a simple chat with her. And she didn't lack heart either, always generous with greetings and smiles and poking other people urging them to smile with her and share the happiness

She made me happier. She made me smile more. She made me use the word "love" more often. She taught me that you're not alone in this world, and there really are someone who really cares about you

Yet, everything changes. Somehow I feel like she's no longer the happy person that she used to be. Everytime I look through her eyes, I can feel sadness lingering there. Even when she's laughing with her friends, there'll always be a short moment of deep silence filling in between her laughs. The saddest of all, those vibrant smiles seems to be lost, only to be replaced with the sad sad ones

I know that part of the blame is on me. I was the one who had hurt her terribly, I was the one who negated all her possibilities. Foolishness and anger took control over me, and time and again we ended up in a spiral of hurt and regret. Until everything falls apart, and somehow the gap created between us has been too big to cover up already

If I could give away anything just to have everything to be back the way they used to be, then I would. If all it takes for her to be happy again is for me to just fade away, then I would readily oblige

Sayonara April

Nothing last forever. Even this polaroid picture, I can touch it, I can keep it safe in my possession, but one day it will also fade away. The colours of all the faces, the fabric torn away by time, it's just the same for us. It is kinda sad, but then again, we can't feel happiness without expecting sadness along with it. One day we feel so high, we would never know when we would fall down so hard. We love someone dearly, but one day we might never see that person again

But for now, let me cherish these memories for a while. Let me cry like a child for just this once, for I am so afraid of being alone. Tell me lies, tell me that we'll stay like this forever, and I'll believe you with all my heart. I just want to forget about the past, I don't want to think about the future, I just want now

I love you. Goodbye April, may we meet again in a different, more pleasant manner next time...

Forgiving Oneself

I used to find this very hard to believe. I don't know how one could forgive himself, at least in my own perspective. For every bit of regret and disappointment, I could only blame myself for everything, especially when it concerns people that I care about. It only seemed right, with my logic and reasoning all going against such belief

Little did I know how much bitter I'd become. At least for now, I'm slowly getting a grasp on how you can forgive yourself. I can't really say that I'm already over anything, but just that I'm trying harder now

Full Moon

This deep affection towards dunya inside of me is way strong. As I gaze at the moon, I became instantly transfixed upon it and forgot everything else. But as time passes by, I realized that everything will never stay the same. In this imperfect world that only serves as a temporary station, we can only linger but never be truly be satisfied. Only in remembering Him, will everything be okay

I've got to stop bothering about what people think about me~

Fade

i feel that, the more i'm drawn into this dunya
the more that i'm falling out of it
with every cut and every slash

now, i feel like people are seeing me as some kind of freak
that short glance when i come into the picture
and the silence that follows

when i've lost the trust of friends that care
that understand, that persevere
wish and regret don't even matter anymore

and now i wonder
if i would just fade away, if i'm no longer am
would i still feel this alone

EgoSpatial

"I think, therefore I am is the statement of an intellectual who underrates toothaches.

I feel, therefore I am is a truth much more universally valid, and it applies to everything that’s alive.

My self does not differ substantially from yours in terms of its thought.

Many people, few ideas: we all think more or less the same, and we exchange, borrow, steal thoughts from one another. However, when someone steps on my foot, only I feel the pain.

The basis of the self is not thought but suffering, which is the most fundamental of all feelings.

While it suffers, not even a cat can doubt its unique and uninterchangeable self.

In intense suffering the world disappears and each of us is alone with his self.

Suffering is the university of ego-centrism."

Milan Kundera - Immortality

I see that it will be very quiet soon. Not the serene kind of quiet, but more a quaint, disturbing quiet of a night alone. As if the Spiderman is having you for dinner later on~

I hate this stupid ego. I'm sorry Aisyah, I'm really sorry...

At the Stroke of Midnight

There was only four us, two of 'em smoking, the other and me just staring towards the empty space that was starting to fill around midnight. The white cat just sat still on the white chair, acting as if he or she was also a part of our little kingdom.

"Thanks guys."

They shifted their attention, and then mumbled something I didn't bother to listen. I gave them a smile that was barely visible under the dim light of the overhead lamp post. I glanced over at my handphone, reading that particular message again and again.

And I taught there was tears inside my eyes. And I wonder is it because of her? Or was it because of just pure tiredness caused by the hectic day.

Shhh...

Seems like you really hate me now ehh? Hate, or whatever words you may choose, I guess there's nothing else I can do to fix it...

I really do hope that you're happy

Words Words Words

I'm cherishing my friends now. I'll try my best to think less about self, but more about other people around me, no matter what the situation is. I'll drown this sorrow inside, and find air through their happiness

Words are no longer the kind of words I used to linger on to, at least for now. So until I find it back, guess I'll just stick to pictures, and musics

I'll always be there for you, no matter what you said to me, how hurtful it was. Guess I gave up too much of myself for you that I just can't simply go away, far away from you

Please be happy, and forgive me for everything. I hope that one day you will understand
~onii