Please Hate Me For Hating You

Salam. I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. I don't know where to look at, what to talk about, what to hear about, what to taste on my taste bud, what to think about. I'm lost, as lost a balloon ball in the middle of a very huge ocean. I'm feeling down all over again, I'm starting to listen again to Within Temptation and Delain just to drown myself in sorrow

And the past sin is haunting me again. Of ropes and very sharp objects...

I really need someone to stop me from doing it again. I need someone to tell me that when I see her in almost every girl that resembles her, it is just my imagination and I shouldn't get all worked up over it because there's a man by those girls. Thinking so much about her got me starting to hate her, and I ended up hating myself by the end of the day. Please, someone tell me that it is okay to feel like it, like I would say to others but not to myself

But perhaps I had found one after all. Before this, I thought that such a person would be in a form a guy, who is a friend that is the only one that can understand what I'm feeling, and share the same experiences as me. But no, the person is a girl, a classmates where the first time we meet only silence are our company, and never will I thought that I can ever talk to her, let alone be her friend. But after I found out that she adores cat as much as I do, we started to talk on the basis of loving the cats, and I started to get to know her better afterwards. Somehow, opening up to her seems very easy, as I felt a lot of similarities that I had with her

I grew fond of her. Its not the same as the love that I had for the other one, but with her it feels like she is a sister to me, the little one. Even though that I had three elder sister, but our age gap is so huge that no matter how much we spend time together or how much I respected them, it can only get so far. She, being a classmates of mine, knows a lot about me and vice versa. She understands how it feels to be loving someone in secret and in vain, and she even know who the girl is and I know who she had a crush on. She understands of the loneliness that I am feeling, because I can feel it in her too, something that we both can relate. She's one of the very few girl that I frequently texted where I had never done so before taking Asasi Tesl, no, I texted her the most

But then again, it can only get so far. We had many limits as where it can go, we're not brother and sister after all, we can never be. Thus, I can never really hope for her company whenever I need it, advices from her when I need it the most. She'll be there among her circles of friends, me in mine, separated far away from. Only on events where we had our class together, which is now regrettably no more, and during times that I went out and she also went out that we can see each other. When we are together at time, we can only talk for some time before she would be needed somewhere else, and I would be left alone, again. I know, I can't be selfish, she's just a friend to me, nothing attached here to keep her for me for my selfish reason of just needing a company. Sometimes, I would just fall prey to my own emotion and would avoid her just to show tantrum like a little child would, and I tried to hate her and everyone that gets in our way, and in the end I would end up more hurt and lonelier, and I only find myself hating me

Because I cared for her so much, unlike how I love the other so much, it is a different feeling. She's like a family that I never had, the only one family member that could understand my pain as someone who is close to me...

I can't ask for anything more. I need to be more independent. I can't go on being so solemn like this, it is unfair for all those other childrens suffering somewhere in this earth where they had it harder than any of us could imagine it. I should stop opening myself to people like I did recently with all these wonderful people of Asasians, and I should become bitter like I am before. Let it be that I'm unhappy, for at least I'm lonely by my own choice, not because of for caring for someone so much that it means everything to you...

Sekali lagi, aku terasa seperti nak delete saja blog ini, dan mulakan semula, anonymously. Patutkah aku?

Yes, I'm a coward, for hiding this one truth down here, for someone either very lucky or very smart to have found it. I had done many things before to justify my cowardness because I was scared of what people might think of me, how they would judge me

I wanted to cry. I really wanted to cry, though I can't. I want to tell her, I want to tell someone about it, but I really can't. I want to properly say that I love you to the other one that I love so much, but I can't. I hate them, but in the end I hate myself. I hate myself...