Deeper Conversation

Salam. Just for old time's sake, I'll put another lyric of a song, okay. And this time, I'm just being nostalgic all of a sudden, pardon me. By Yuna, Deeper Conversation...

Is your favourite colour blue?
Do you always tell the truth?
Do you believe in outerspace?
Now I'm learning you

Is your skin as tanned as mine?
Does your hair flow sideways?
Did someone took a portion of your heart?
And now I'm learning you

And if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

I let my guard down for you
And in time you will too

if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

if you don't mind
Can you tell me
All your hopes and fears
and Everything that you believe in
Would you make a difference in the world
I'd love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me

4x
Deeper Conversation
with me

I guess almost everyone know who she is, the one who sung this song. But back then, I think she was virtually unknown to lots of people yet. No coverage on her artwork on TV and papers, much less the people that only listen to radios for their source of music entertainment. But ahh, I'll stop babbling now, I guess I can pass the introduction now ehh?

This song, it means something to me. If you can understand English, then you can understand the meaning of the lyric, but of course. The person that introduced me to Yuna and this song...

It's getting late now. Got a busy day tomorrow

Macam2 berlaku 27 Mei neh...

Of Marriage and Death

Salam. The excitement of walking the path to the house, shadowed by the umbrella. People looking at you, you are the main attraction for the day, and people are snapping your pictures non-stop. You walk in the house, and you shake hand with your in-laws family. And finally, the bersanding ceremony...

And I just smiled throughout it all. Being the best man, or pengapit, is quite fun, you see. All the attraction that you shared, haha, but it seems that my cousin is more composed than I had thought. Perhaps there's nothing real scary about getting married, I guess, real fun, yeah :P

But alas, all good thing must come to an end. There's been a death close to home, and I rushed back with my father, despite having driven the bloody Kancil for two days straight

There you go, another absurd death. It comes so sudden, at the most unexpected time. Another uncle of mine has passed away, and by coincidence, the houses is just a block away. If this continues, soon enough, kampung will be such a quiet place to be, sheesh. And the family ties will be breaking further apart, looking at how things are going currently. We cousins rarely meet, and only on occasions such as this that we all can see each other

I wonder, when is the time for them? When shall it be for me, myself? I know its real close now

Terbukti sudah lelaki mati lagi awal dari perempuan, adehhhh...

New Moon

Salam. I really like the moon, especially when it is full. A full moon indicates many thing, not that I'm being superstitious or whatever. A day before the last time that I am with so many good people was gifted with a full moon. It was so beautiful, I was mesmerized and it made me too lazy to do anything else except for stargazing

Too bad the moon is getting further and further away from us. Back then during the dinosaur age, the moon was so close to the earth that during a full moon, the moon will cover the sky, all glorious light shining heavily upon the earth. Imagine that, heh, lucky dinosaurs. Now I really wish I can travel back in time, so that when I gaze into the sky, I can only see moon, not stars

Eheh, what am I talking about?

Just finished my interview, done. Just got my result, sheesh. Nothing much to tell, I'm not going to write anything about it though. Try asking me, friends exactly, and I'll tell

"Sometimes, something is beautiful when you can't possess them... Farewell, then..." Enuma Elish, line unknown

Back then, I'm used to joke with my nephews and niece that when I'm going to get married, I will marry a complete stranger. I wouldn't be flirting around and get myself a girlfriend whatsoever, and just go straight to meminang whoever I found out to be perfect. And they would be laughing their hearts out saying that I won't have the courage to do so, yet afterwards they would still mention it to me sometime, with indication that they really believe that I will do just that

And perhaps, I will do just that

Cutiii~ Nak habiskan Final Fantasy XII, nak habiskan buku Playing For Pizza, My Friend Leonard, A Thousand Little Pieces, nak tengok sepupu aku kahwin haha~

Leave Me Alone

Salam. I don't care about it all anymore, I just don't care. Even when I'm fated to not meet them again, it seems that they are going further and further away from me. I'm already feeling all alone now, and the way that they are treating me, perhaps it is just better for me to slunk in a corner somewhere alone, licking away my wound and away from it all. Alone...

I guess its partly my fault they are avoiding me. It happened before, and now it hurt more because this time, I really care for them

Sorry, and goodbye

Aku nak balik rumah...

Last Time

Salam. I'm in the mood of playing some guitar by know, especially since I'm in my sis' house and there's about two here haha. Listen well, and you can hear some old man strumming on his guitar right now... Eheh, that's the soundtrack that I put on my blog anyway, autoplay

I’m stuck with writing songs
Just to forget
What they really were about
And these words are bringing me so deeply insane
That I don’t think I can take my way out

I couldn’t breathe through it
Like I need to and the words don’t mean a thing

So I’ll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of days spent without you
And there is nothing left to prove

I’m counting all the things I could have done
To make you see
That I wanted us to be what I go to sleep and dream of
I want you to know that I’d die for you
I’d die for you

I couldn’t breathe through it
Like I need to and the words don’t mean a thing

So I’ll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of the days spent without you
And there’s nothing left to prove

And if you are alone
Make sure you’re not lonely
Cuz if you are, I blame myself
For never being home
I know I’m not the only one
Who will treat you like they should
What you deserve

I’m stuck with writing songs
Just to forget

So I’ll sing this song to you
For the last time
And my heart is torn in two
Thinking of the days spent without you
And there’s nothing left to prove

I'm already missing them. Plus the fact that my Medsi interview will be held in UUM Kedah, whereas the other's will be in Shah Alam. I really hate it, the fact that I can't see them again after this, even for just a day. And I miss her, dammit...

Hey you, the one that I love. This is a song dedicated for you

Kepada yang tak dapat interview tuh, banyak2 bersabar, mungkin Allah ada takdir lain yang lagi sesuai buat korang semua...

Happy Mother's Day

Salam. I know Mother's Day won't be until tomorrow, but then again perhaps tomorrow there won't any time at all left for me to ponder on such a thing. I got Listening-something paper tomorrow and I need to do my college clearance and stuff and just get the hell outta Meranti

Thing is, this is the only thing that I will do for my mom. Either just secretly wish Mother's Day or just say it to her, nothing else. Never in my life had I bought her any present or promised her to do all the house's chores or whatsoever. But still, I just loved her the same, anytime, anywhere, though my action may speak less louder than the words I'm composing here in my blog

We barely talk much, my mom and I. I barely confide in her of any problem I may had in this life, except for whenever I'm in physical pain, or I'm just plain hungry. But still, back then, we're still so much very close together. I can still remember clinging on her so much back then. Whenever my dad's got angry and start shouting at me, she would be there to protect me. Whenever I would feel afraid, she would hold me tight to let me know that she's there for me. And it seems like with her, crying is easy and a cure for all my pain

There's this one moment as a child that I once mentioned to her, what if I ceased to exist, what if I was never here, what would I feel? I was so afraid, even a slight darkness threw me into delirium, I was so confused. But she, like always, held me dear and said, it is Allah's will and it is Allah's power to give and take everything. She explained more about it that I can barely remember, but knew had an effect on me ever since. The way that she put it, I felt constant relief

But I believe that's the only good advice that I got from her, ever

Nowadays, things aren't the same anymore. I've grown way too big to be dependent on her anymore. Plus, she's getting on that age where she should just be resting nowadays, what with all those diseases and stuff. I should be the one taking care of her now. There's simply no way that I can go to her to cry anymore, I need to carry this burden on my own, heck, I shouldn't cry anymore again. I can't go back to the time where whenever I feels lonely and on my own, I can go to her in search of a company. I'm all alone now, and I can't depend on her anymore

I love my mom so much, even if she can never understand me

Oh well. Since tomorrow's my last paper, perhaps afterwards I'll treat her a call. I will say that the paper was so damn easy that I'm very confident that I can get A++. That'll cheer her up :)

Sesiapa boleh bagitau aku, camna ehh nak study phonetic ehh? Malas arr nak study

Please Hate Me For Hating You

Salam. I really don't know what to do. I really don't know what to do. I don't know where to look at, what to talk about, what to hear about, what to taste on my taste bud, what to think about. I'm lost, as lost a balloon ball in the middle of a very huge ocean. I'm feeling down all over again, I'm starting to listen again to Within Temptation and Delain just to drown myself in sorrow

And the past sin is haunting me again. Of ropes and very sharp objects...

I really need someone to stop me from doing it again. I need someone to tell me that when I see her in almost every girl that resembles her, it is just my imagination and I shouldn't get all worked up over it because there's a man by those girls. Thinking so much about her got me starting to hate her, and I ended up hating myself by the end of the day. Please, someone tell me that it is okay to feel like it, like I would say to others but not to myself

But perhaps I had found one after all. Before this, I thought that such a person would be in a form a guy, who is a friend that is the only one that can understand what I'm feeling, and share the same experiences as me. But no, the person is a girl, a classmates where the first time we meet only silence are our company, and never will I thought that I can ever talk to her, let alone be her friend. But after I found out that she adores cat as much as I do, we started to talk on the basis of loving the cats, and I started to get to know her better afterwards. Somehow, opening up to her seems very easy, as I felt a lot of similarities that I had with her

I grew fond of her. Its not the same as the love that I had for the other one, but with her it feels like she is a sister to me, the little one. Even though that I had three elder sister, but our age gap is so huge that no matter how much we spend time together or how much I respected them, it can only get so far. She, being a classmates of mine, knows a lot about me and vice versa. She understands how it feels to be loving someone in secret and in vain, and she even know who the girl is and I know who she had a crush on. She understands of the loneliness that I am feeling, because I can feel it in her too, something that we both can relate. She's one of the very few girl that I frequently texted where I had never done so before taking Asasi Tesl, no, I texted her the most

But then again, it can only get so far. We had many limits as where it can go, we're not brother and sister after all, we can never be. Thus, I can never really hope for her company whenever I need it, advices from her when I need it the most. She'll be there among her circles of friends, me in mine, separated far away from. Only on events where we had our class together, which is now regrettably no more, and during times that I went out and she also went out that we can see each other. When we are together at time, we can only talk for some time before she would be needed somewhere else, and I would be left alone, again. I know, I can't be selfish, she's just a friend to me, nothing attached here to keep her for me for my selfish reason of just needing a company. Sometimes, I would just fall prey to my own emotion and would avoid her just to show tantrum like a little child would, and I tried to hate her and everyone that gets in our way, and in the end I would end up more hurt and lonelier, and I only find myself hating me

Because I cared for her so much, unlike how I love the other so much, it is a different feeling. She's like a family that I never had, the only one family member that could understand my pain as someone who is close to me...

I can't ask for anything more. I need to be more independent. I can't go on being so solemn like this, it is unfair for all those other childrens suffering somewhere in this earth where they had it harder than any of us could imagine it. I should stop opening myself to people like I did recently with all these wonderful people of Asasians, and I should become bitter like I am before. Let it be that I'm unhappy, for at least I'm lonely by my own choice, not because of for caring for someone so much that it means everything to you...

Sekali lagi, aku terasa seperti nak delete saja blog ini, dan mulakan semula, anonymously. Patutkah aku?

Yes, I'm a coward, for hiding this one truth down here, for someone either very lucky or very smart to have found it. I had done many things before to justify my cowardness because I was scared of what people might think of me, how they would judge me

I wanted to cry. I really wanted to cry, though I can't. I want to tell her, I want to tell someone about it, but I really can't. I want to properly say that I love you to the other one that I love so much, but I can't. I hate them, but in the end I hate myself. I hate myself...

Things They Do Just To Say I Love You

Salam. It's been a while, but yeah that's life. I know that both of my sisters are reading my blog like hawk they are, and I wonder if the other one are reading it as well. I don't mind really, as they never did say anything about it, but recently, she does mentioned it, to my father. I'm like huh?, when my father told me

Such a letdown. Blogger blogging is not what it is used to be, I no longer feel like writing like I'm used to

And here I am, after being absent from blogging for quite some time, there is so much I want to write about. Thing I got from the short period that I went home, yeah now I'm already back in Shah Alam despite Ayah insisting on me to stay home a bit longer. That new anime that is being broadcasted simultaneously with Japan airtime, Tears to Tiara and Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood. I just watched Ghost on 8TV, and realised how good it is and regretted of missing the first season. And that book Devil's Place by Brian Gomez, such an amazing piece of excellent writing, and it has been so long since I had any time to read any book at all

Really, this wonderfully long post would be dedicated upon these things, but no. I just don't have the mood for it now. Oh whatever jelaa...

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Yeah, its something I picked up during my journey in life, but this experience made me a believer. I can't stop thinking about her. But now things had changed. The more I think about her, the more I started to realize it all. She's the Beauty, while I'm the Beast here. She got all this admirers, she is so perfect and imperfect that it is impossible not to love her. While I am the silent and anti-social dude, they kept on calling me emo, though I hate it when they call me that, especially if my non-understanding family said that. I don't see any way that we can get together, and perhaps she feels that way also

Yeah perhaps. After what she is doing to me after that night, yeah

I do not meant for this post to be all melancholic or whatsoever theme you may call to accuse of being an emo chap, because I'm actually happy. Yeah I'm happy. Despite I'm feeling sad of leaving home so early eventhough I was the one who decided to come back to Shah Alam earlier. I wanted to leave home so much before, but at the night of my departure, that sad feeling of leaving your home came still, and my mom's still sick, I'm worried of her. Yeah I'm happy. Despite being feeling all lonely in Shah Alam, where I thought that I can find salvation of company here. In fact, I have Apek to accompany me, and me to accompany him, but he have Effy to accompany him sometime, yeah leaving me alone here still

Yeah I'm happy. Because Allah still gives me a chance to live and breathe in this world, and to let me feel all of this feelings that I have. I'm happy to still be loving my family, no matter what happens. I'm happy to still have all these wonderful friends, no matter how lonely I am at times

I'm happy to feel this for her, to know that such a feeling can exist in me, to know how beautiful it is inside. Even if I'm hurt all the way...

It's not so hard to make a resolution sometimes, because you just have to do it. I will not expect anything from her, yet I will still be waiting. I will stop trying to forget it all, because that is just impossible. I got to repair my relationships with people, no matter how far-fetched that idea is, considering how things have been going on lately. Oh what the hell~

Music is my escapism from it all now. I edged out drawing long ago since I got no talent whatsoever in drawing. Oh yeah, listening to M. Pryor playing Yasunori Mitsuda's piece got me excited and wanting to learn more about playing instruments. Haha, can anyone give me a Gibson acoustic and teach me how to play it? I'll love you till the end of time :)

There you go, Emellia. I've updated haha~

Kenapa datang je Shah Alam jadi malas gila nak mandi ni ehh? Sumpahan Kolej Meranti ke ehh?