I hate myself. I really hate myself. Why can't I ever do anything right? Whatever that I'm trying to do, it will always have a negative effect somehow. And when I do try to change, things just have to go against my way, leaving me lost and confused over my own will and resolution. Sometimes, I just wonder why things just have to happen like it is, and whether perhaps I'm forever bound to be this one person who can never change, and stuck being a worthless person like I am yesterday
I tried hard to change, and it really means something to me to even start doing it. Never in my life before that I had the courage nor the chance nor the want to change myself for the better. One of my weaknesses is that I'm really shy and socially aloof. I can never get really along with people that I barely know of, though I'm real close with people that I've really get attached to. It is not that I put up a fake persona in front of others or am a bitchy arrogant person, but it's just a simple fact; I'm really shy with people that I don't know, especially the girls
So I tried to change. I started to mingle myself with strangers that I always have goosebumps talking with. Still, I still limits myself to a comfort zone meaning that I only have the guts to strike a conversation with people that I'm connected to only, namely same class, same groups etc. But then again, it has been always like that, with only a little different in the way that I became less picky in the terms of the person I feel comfortable talking to
As fate have it, one night I pushed myself out of the comfort zone, and it was a perfect setting
It was late one night and though my class the next day will be very early, something kept me awake until it was subuh. And as so it happened, Azim was around and by chance he took with him his laptop and his broadband, leaving me free to connect to the web. Not missing the oppurtunity, I went browsing around, either just through Google, Blogspot, Friendster, stuff, and suddenly, I found out that someone else was also online during that time. Normally, knowing that she is neither from my class nor from a similar group whatsoever, though before we did have a run together in a group before, I was thinking over and over again of whether I should get out of my comfort zone and say hi to her
I did just that, considering that she had previously acknowledged me before using the Friendster, so perhaps I won't face the consequences of rejection that I fear from people almost all of the time before. So yeah, I put up a brave front and started chatting with her. I was surprised myself at how easily I find the words to converse with her, for I've never even talked to her before. We keep on going on and on and on, until it was subuh already. Though we didn't talk much, it felt like I was getting to know more of her, and I was finally getting out of the comfort zone
The next few hours was the ultimatum for what had already happened and my determination to change myself. I found her afterwards for sometime in the afternoon when all of my class was over and hers too. It was raining... rain had always been a catalyst for a life-changing moments in my life, and that day the rain continued to play its part. The scene was the bus-stop, she arrived earlier with many of her own classmates. I was walking alone in the rain, and when I arrived there, I must've been a mess. She recognized me and said something and my reply was a lame one, a short-sentenced answer I always give people, the strangers
In the bus, I was sitting down, she was standing among the crowds. I kept my head down, ignoring her and keeping to myself. When we reached our destinations, we went down, and from there I can already sense the coldness emanating from her presence. She then got into the bus that will take her to her college, and I took one glance at her. She countered with a somehow distant look, and that makes things clear for me. It was all my mistake, again, it was my mistakes, there's no denying that. Once again, I've let my own shyness took over me again and placed a gap between me and others again
People who has known me before will say that I was always the quiet one, that I rarely opens my mouth at all. I wonder if any might read that as I'm being an arrogant bastard that won't talk to others, and perhaps is true after all, I mean look at me. When I do talk to strangers, its just because they said something to me first. Such is my mentality, that it had stuck with me ever since I could remember
And it will continue to be so. I will always be the quiet one that only speaks to others when it is necessary, because I'm just so painfully shy. And as for her, I should've known better. With many old friends that have been avoiding me now, I guess that this me just won't make it to be anybody's friend. Since Farah left me for good a year and a half ago, I totally lost someone that I can vent my frustration to other than my own family, which I can never talk about this to them. I'll be alone walking to my destination, but I won't mind. I just can't
Until we meet again, with my head down and missing all of what we could've achieved together as friends...
Aku memang anak mak, aku rindu mak aku sekarang. Bless the Chinese, untuk kerana cuti depa aku dapat balik rumah dan lari dari semua ni dan lupakan segala-galanya...