Nothing
He glanced at his watch, while squinting a bit towards the window to see the raindrops falling downwards the surface of the pane. For a moment, he thought of running towards the door, putting on the slippers of unknown origin and, and, and just dance in the rain? He shook his head, let out a sigh and duly dropped his body on the couch.
The laptop was playing Yuna's Lullabies on loop since the earliest of morning, much to the annoyance of his housemates. The oily plastics and rolling straws served as a remainder of a rare early breakfast, which he took no notice of. He didn't know exactly what was he really waiting for, or whether it was just his tardy nature in working. Other than the iTunes playing on his laptop, her Facebook page was also on a tab of his Chrome. He barely clicked much on that particular tab, but somehow he couldn't just close it for good. He felt restless, he kept glancing at the watch that wasn't his, he counted on the number of the raindrops as if such an activity was so riveting that it demanded his full attention. He used to sing along to Yuna's Lullabies, but then it had been repeated for so long that it had become mere noise to him.
He clicked on the tab of her Facebook page, though upon clicking it he immediately turned his head again towards the window. His mind raced, working out a conclusion to the simple questions he asked himself that he knew the answers to. He diligently repeated this process for some time, at times got distracted to counting the number of raindrops and sometimes 9gag, until he decided to close the tabs and to close the laptop. He stood up, facing straight towards the window that had been his object of divided attention before.
"You know, I really hate the rain."
He once said that to her during one of their late night conversations, which she rebuked by saying that it is not good to say such a thing, as rain provides us the same as air or sun would. He never knew what was her own opinion of rain, other than the rebuttal, as he didn't feel the curiosity was strong enough for him to ask her. But that day, it seemed to be of vital significance. He felt a desperate need to know it. After three years, after all that had happened, somehow it became important. And it is not just that particular question that he he wants to know, but so many other things about her. There's so much he wanted to ask her, and there's also so much he wanted to hear from her.
But he knew the words won't come. Neither from him, nor her. With such revelation, which wasn't such a revelation at the same time, he felt a sudden heavy feeling overcoming his body and his heart. As he stood there, he felt like the lights inside him just flew out of his body, leaving only darkness inside him. He choked a little, struggling to breathe so much that he can hear his own faint heartbeats. His head felt like exploding, and he can't help to gasp out a noise, an exasperated noise of some sort. Then he laughed. He laughed, harder and harder, and tears came strolling out of his eyes, like some sort of dam water being suddenly released. He laughed, he cried, he yelled, and as the rain seemed to only get heavier and louder, so did this sudden outburst of emotions of his.
When he calmed down a little, he raised his hands, and examined the scars on his left hand. He smiled, a smile laden with fresh warm tears all over his face that felt all natural to him at that point. The heaviness that he experienced a while ago vanished, and it was as if the cool air around him started to fill his body to replace the heaviness. Silence gripped his senses, and for a while, it felt like home to him. It felt like the world to him, that space between him and the eternity beyond.
Slowly he dragged his feet to the door, opened it, and put on the slippers that he had realized that once belonged to a dear friend that he had forgotten to return back. Slowly he got to the point of between the earth that was being showered by the heavy rain, and the earth that was covered by the house that he had been living for about two or three years. He took a step towards the rain, and piercing cold jet-speed rain droplets spearheaded his skin with no mercy. However, the body got used to it after a few seconds, and suddenly the coldness was all familiar and affectionate to him.
Closing his eyes, he put his head towards the sky, and stretched his hands as outwardly as he could, his body in such a position as if he was a sunflower baring itself open wide to receive the sunlight from above. He turned his body, slow at first, then faster, and faster, and faster.
He smiled. The world don't matter anymore. The harsh reality was no more. The pain reduced to a mere primal feeling, as insignificant as hunger or sleepiness. Nothing.
Nothing.
The laptop was playing Yuna's Lullabies on loop since the earliest of morning, much to the annoyance of his housemates. The oily plastics and rolling straws served as a remainder of a rare early breakfast, which he took no notice of. He didn't know exactly what was he really waiting for, or whether it was just his tardy nature in working. Other than the iTunes playing on his laptop, her Facebook page was also on a tab of his Chrome. He barely clicked much on that particular tab, but somehow he couldn't just close it for good. He felt restless, he kept glancing at the watch that wasn't his, he counted on the number of the raindrops as if such an activity was so riveting that it demanded his full attention. He used to sing along to Yuna's Lullabies, but then it had been repeated for so long that it had become mere noise to him.
He clicked on the tab of her Facebook page, though upon clicking it he immediately turned his head again towards the window. His mind raced, working out a conclusion to the simple questions he asked himself that he knew the answers to. He diligently repeated this process for some time, at times got distracted to counting the number of raindrops and sometimes 9gag, until he decided to close the tabs and to close the laptop. He stood up, facing straight towards the window that had been his object of divided attention before.
"You know, I really hate the rain."
He once said that to her during one of their late night conversations, which she rebuked by saying that it is not good to say such a thing, as rain provides us the same as air or sun would. He never knew what was her own opinion of rain, other than the rebuttal, as he didn't feel the curiosity was strong enough for him to ask her. But that day, it seemed to be of vital significance. He felt a desperate need to know it. After three years, after all that had happened, somehow it became important. And it is not just that particular question that he he wants to know, but so many other things about her. There's so much he wanted to ask her, and there's also so much he wanted to hear from her.
But he knew the words won't come. Neither from him, nor her. With such revelation, which wasn't such a revelation at the same time, he felt a sudden heavy feeling overcoming his body and his heart. As he stood there, he felt like the lights inside him just flew out of his body, leaving only darkness inside him. He choked a little, struggling to breathe so much that he can hear his own faint heartbeats. His head felt like exploding, and he can't help to gasp out a noise, an exasperated noise of some sort. Then he laughed. He laughed, harder and harder, and tears came strolling out of his eyes, like some sort of dam water being suddenly released. He laughed, he cried, he yelled, and as the rain seemed to only get heavier and louder, so did this sudden outburst of emotions of his.
When he calmed down a little, he raised his hands, and examined the scars on his left hand. He smiled, a smile laden with fresh warm tears all over his face that felt all natural to him at that point. The heaviness that he experienced a while ago vanished, and it was as if the cool air around him started to fill his body to replace the heaviness. Silence gripped his senses, and for a while, it felt like home to him. It felt like the world to him, that space between him and the eternity beyond.
Slowly he dragged his feet to the door, opened it, and put on the slippers that he had realized that once belonged to a dear friend that he had forgotten to return back. Slowly he got to the point of between the earth that was being showered by the heavy rain, and the earth that was covered by the house that he had been living for about two or three years. He took a step towards the rain, and piercing cold jet-speed rain droplets spearheaded his skin with no mercy. However, the body got used to it after a few seconds, and suddenly the coldness was all familiar and affectionate to him.
Closing his eyes, he put his head towards the sky, and stretched his hands as outwardly as he could, his body in such a position as if he was a sunflower baring itself open wide to receive the sunlight from above. He turned his body, slow at first, then faster, and faster, and faster.
He smiled. The world don't matter anymore. The harsh reality was no more. The pain reduced to a mere primal feeling, as insignificant as hunger or sleepiness. Nothing.
Nothing.
Eli the Barrow Boy - The Decemberists
Eli, the barrow boy
Of the old town
Sells coal and marigolds
And he cries out
All down the day
Below the tamaracks
He is crying:
Corn cobs and candle wax for the buying
All down the day
Would I could afford to buy my love a fine robe
Made of gold and silk Arabian thread
She is dead and gone and lying in a pine grove
And I must push my barrow all the day
And I must push my barrow all the day
Eli, the barrow boy
When they found him
Dressed all in corduroy
He had drowned in
The river down the way
They laid his body down in a church yard
But still when the moon is out
With his push cart
He calls down the day
Would I could afford to buy my love a fine gown
Made of gold and silk Arabian thread
But, I am dead and gone and lying in a church ground
And still I push my barrow all the day
Still I push my barrow all the day
Things
There are things that a smile doesn't justify. There are things that are beyond words, sometimes hiding between music notes or the lines in a book. A heavy dragging of the feet may not simply indicates tardiness, nor does it reflect the effect of the overwhelming heat nowadays, cold in comparison still with the warmth of the heart. There are things that people don't understand, and you can't just explain either.
There are a lots of things that I want to say to a certain people that mean so much in my life. But under the circumstances, I find myself at lost at the choice of the right vocab, and also the way I can present them best. The reasons to this are whether I did something wrong along the way, or the cosmic occurrence find it convenience to put me in such an inconvenience of a situation. It never helps that I'm a painfully shy person, still, and also that my line of logic goes like that I should bear all the guilt and despair inside myself, and keep it there. I don't know, sometimes I'd pondered whether it is just simply because I'm a coward, or some instinctual ego repudiating myself from doing the right thing.
As much as I'm contemplating my real worth in this life and the true core of my personality, I'm still questioning myself over whether I am still madly in love with her or not. Rephrasing that, it is more of the question of do I really love her, or is it another complex electric currents' process occurring inside my head, the subject of, I don't know, stemming from my loneliness, or something. Is it just lust? The way I compensate for losing the love I feel from my parents and sibling as I slowly disintegrate from the family nucleus and into the world?
It used to be one year, then two years. Now I will say that it has been three years, three freaking years that I still think of her every night and see as my possible life partner, as cheesy as that sound. Still I let myself the luxury of a faint hope that someday things will be right again, and I will be able to say to her how I really feel for her. A faint hope that not only she would accept me once again, but also love me as much as I love her. Everytime I see her smile, it would extremely be either my hating myself so much for still loving her or hating myself so much for screwing things up in the past.
Now let me stop this before it lingers on. I can write about this time and again, as I always did, it seem, or I can tell people that I feel comfortable with telling this time and again till they get bored, but the fact will never change. There are just things that you can't change in this world. There are things that you can't simply have.
There are a lot things that I want to say to her, and things I want to hear from her. For now, life goes on. The universe ever expand, and the simple existence of me continues on in its modest, yet hopeful being.
There are a lots of things that I want to say to a certain people that mean so much in my life. But under the circumstances, I find myself at lost at the choice of the right vocab, and also the way I can present them best. The reasons to this are whether I did something wrong along the way, or the cosmic occurrence find it convenience to put me in such an inconvenience of a situation. It never helps that I'm a painfully shy person, still, and also that my line of logic goes like that I should bear all the guilt and despair inside myself, and keep it there. I don't know, sometimes I'd pondered whether it is just simply because I'm a coward, or some instinctual ego repudiating myself from doing the right thing.
As much as I'm contemplating my real worth in this life and the true core of my personality, I'm still questioning myself over whether I am still madly in love with her or not. Rephrasing that, it is more of the question of do I really love her, or is it another complex electric currents' process occurring inside my head, the subject of, I don't know, stemming from my loneliness, or something. Is it just lust? The way I compensate for losing the love I feel from my parents and sibling as I slowly disintegrate from the family nucleus and into the world?
It used to be one year, then two years. Now I will say that it has been three years, three freaking years that I still think of her every night and see as my possible life partner, as cheesy as that sound. Still I let myself the luxury of a faint hope that someday things will be right again, and I will be able to say to her how I really feel for her. A faint hope that not only she would accept me once again, but also love me as much as I love her. Everytime I see her smile, it would extremely be either my hating myself so much for still loving her or hating myself so much for screwing things up in the past.
Now let me stop this before it lingers on. I can write about this time and again, as I always did, it seem, or I can tell people that I feel comfortable with telling this time and again till they get bored, but the fact will never change. There are just things that you can't change in this world. There are things that you can't simply have.
There are a lot things that I want to say to her, and things I want to hear from her. For now, life goes on. The universe ever expand, and the simple existence of me continues on in its modest, yet hopeful being.
This one is for Span Kempis. I'm writing again, yeah
I don't know what to write anymore after so long I've left this place here. I've been really keen on writing time and again, but to no avail did I achieve in finding the right mood to do it. Up to the point that I wonder that maybe I used to have no difficulty, well maybe not as much as this, to write as easily as I did back then was because writing seemed to be something of a necessity. It just flowed that way because it felt so right, as if each stringing words are like the tears flowing down cheek that I've been holding on for some time.
It kinda took me some while to realize that all of it is maybe due to the fact that I'm a changed man now. Not until one day that I was randomly buzzed out about the late release of Naruto manga or something that I somehow decided to skim through the old statuses I posted on Facebook, thanks to Timeline for enabling this (another hard realization there). I was surprised to hear myself saying "What a wuss!", before I finally saw that I'm an extremely different person now. Of course we realize and say that we are changed person and tomorrow we learn something new and change etcetera etcetera, but here I see that it's not just something like new habits or new sayings that I've adopted over the change, but it's like, I'm a totally different person entirely, a different core, a different soul.
Some are positive changes, some are negative, naturally. But it feel really weird somehow. I used to hate my old self so much for all the missed chances in life because I was so painfully shy and wouldn't open my mouth just because I was so goddamn afraid. But he, that old me, was a really nice specimen human being, and no I'm not flattering myself here. He was such a lonely person growing up that he appreciates every friends that he has and hold them with such love for fear of losing them, so much that even if they were to hurt him bad he would easily forgive them just for the sake of it. He, the old me, didn't have any bad habits like I have now, like the cuts on my hand or the frequent late night outs or shishas. He won't ignore people, he won't take people for granted. He held such high respect towards woman because he was raised with three loving sisters and mom, that in his mind he could never thought of a woman being wrong in anything, in argument or in a relationship, it will always be the man's fault.
That old me might say that he is 'bitter' or something, but he was never something like that. I am bitter. I am the big ball of negativity that presides the line between faith and godless stand. I no longer see things in positive perspectives, I easily judge everything as doomed. And goddammit, I don't know what I'm supposed to be, or what I really want to see each time I'm facing the mirror. The good and the bad, it is always the war that I have to face within myself. I can never be perfect in the way perfect would be perfect in my mind. And upon coming to this realization, I feel like either giving up entirely, or moving on better prepared this time around.
Nostalgia, a noun, is a sentimental yearning for a happy place or time. And of course, being a normal being I have this very same notion in my life. The old me, he once posted "Tonight, I will tell her everything." That, I believe, was the turning point of my life. Everything started to change there. If anybody ever bother to ask me that should I ever be able to choose a period of my life, and live it eternally in a perpetual eternity, then I would say the half a year period before the night he posted that status.
Because in truth, that one thing never changes. This feeling for her never changes no matter who I've become, no matter how deep I've fallen.
Recap
When I browsed through the list of my phone number directories, I realized that I don't have anyone else anymore to text and say that I'm not okay, that I just want to end it all. And when I come here to finally write again, I frowned upon another realization, which is that I can no longer write. I just don't know how to.
Do people still visit this place even still? This blog which used to be so significant in my life. Do you guys remember the time when she and I had conversations all night long in here for almost everyday of my asasi life? Do you guys remember all the rantings about me falling in love with her and afterward the notion of grief and despair emanating from every part of my writing due to the cold rejection from her? The words seem so easy to come by back then. The things that I love about her, the things that I hate about her, how strong and motivated I became in light of her existence, and how that very same existence is the very same bane that got me being a slave to my own emotion. Would you still believe it that even if I doesn't write or show anything that reflects me still are attached to her, that every freaking night I'm still thinking about her? Or that I knowingly put myself in the same class with her for the last four semester, hurting myself everytime that I'm around her presence?
Why the hell am I doing this right now. I got a bunch of workload that needed to be done by this upcoming week, especially a term paper that needs to be submitted by tomorrow that I still hasn't start on anything just yet. I've been crying and laughing like mad and screaming and what else was there, it was like a jumble of all fucked-up feeling, f.u.b.a.r. Playing Deeper Conversation on repeat, then Paramore's All I Wanted when I feel a change of mood in spite of the same messed up whatever-it-is-I-was-trying-to-get-from-repeating-this-song. Hey, now I am no longer making sense, am I?
If you read this, really really read this, when you see me next please give me a hug or at least a decent hello and a smile, it will do wonders for me. Well, if you care enough about me, but if not, the it is also not necessary. We are entitled to what we believe in this world and also its consequences. Hey, again, I'm no longer making sense, aite? But really, I need this.
I love you.
Do people still visit this place even still? This blog which used to be so significant in my life. Do you guys remember the time when she and I had conversations all night long in here for almost everyday of my asasi life? Do you guys remember all the rantings about me falling in love with her and afterward the notion of grief and despair emanating from every part of my writing due to the cold rejection from her? The words seem so easy to come by back then. The things that I love about her, the things that I hate about her, how strong and motivated I became in light of her existence, and how that very same existence is the very same bane that got me being a slave to my own emotion. Would you still believe it that even if I doesn't write or show anything that reflects me still are attached to her, that every freaking night I'm still thinking about her? Or that I knowingly put myself in the same class with her for the last four semester, hurting myself everytime that I'm around her presence?
Why the hell am I doing this right now. I got a bunch of workload that needed to be done by this upcoming week, especially a term paper that needs to be submitted by tomorrow that I still hasn't start on anything just yet. I've been crying and laughing like mad and screaming and what else was there, it was like a jumble of all fucked-up feeling, f.u.b.a.r. Playing Deeper Conversation on repeat, then Paramore's All I Wanted when I feel a change of mood in spite of the same messed up whatever-it-is-I-was-trying-to-get-from-repeating-this-song. Hey, now I am no longer making sense, am I?
If you read this, really really read this, when you see me next please give me a hug or at least a decent hello and a smile, it will do wonders for me. Well, if you care enough about me, but if not, the it is also not necessary. We are entitled to what we believe in this world and also its consequences. Hey, again, I'm no longer making sense, aite? But really, I need this.
I love you.
In a Nutshell
"You are on a lifelong quest for inner happiness and are driven by your personal values and passionately committed to making sure your beliefs and actions are congruent. You are flexible and tolerant of others unless a value is threatened. You seek to understand people and to help them fulfill their potential. You are empathetic and deeply care for those who you are close to, but it takes others a long time to get to know you. You are creative and curious and quick to see possibilities so you are a catalyst for implementing ideas and thinking outside of the box. You are deeply sensitive so when your feelings get hurt you are likely to keep it to yourself sometimes leading to resentment, rather than confronting people to talk about your feelings."
This is why I love psychology. Every line reflects what I see in myself, and it sure helped in me getting a grip on who I really am and embracing it. So this is me in a nutshell, no better way for me to describe
Source: muslimpersonality.com
This is why I love psychology. Every line reflects what I see in myself, and it sure helped in me getting a grip on who I really am and embracing it. So this is me in a nutshell, no better way for me to describe
Source: muslimpersonality.com
A Trash
A trash is the worst of them all. A trash doesn't deserve a father's love and guidance, for a trash would always be a trash. A trash doesn't deserve a friend's companionship and trust, for a trash would only mess things up and betray the duties put upon his shoulder. A trash would continue to live a trash's way of live, never in the short period of the trash's life to ever learn from his past mistakes, repeating a cycle of trite uselessness and despair
A trash doesn't deserve a second chance. A trash's only worth is to be ridiculed for his own worthlessness, and nothing else
A trash doesn't deserve a second chance. A trash's only worth is to be ridiculed for his own worthlessness, and nothing else
Wordless Wednesday, eh?
My sister Annies and her son UmarThey're always together, in whatever they do. Hardly ever got separated other than during school time, they are pretty much inseparable. Can you imagine, when Umar was away to his dad's kampung without my sis, he won't ever talk to my sister even when he misses her terribly. He would go into this merajuk state, and totally ignore my sis, only to cry and hug my sister without letting go when he comes back
I don't know why my sister won't have another child when Umar is already nearing 7 years old, but I know of better than asking, given how much my family like to keep secrets away from me. I think I know why, but it doesn't matter, as I just wish that they are happy, the both of them. Especially Umar, he's still young and innocent
Let Them Laugh, Let Them Frown
I'm sentimental
So I walk in the rain
I've got some habits
Even I can't explain
I go to the corner
I end up in Spain
Why try to change me now
I sit and daydream
I've got daydreams galore
Cigarette ashes
There they go on the floor
I go away weekends
Leave my keys in the door
Why try to change me now
Why can't I be more conventional
People talk
And they stare
So I try
But that can't be
Cuz I can't see
My strange little world
Just go passing me by
So let people wonder
Let 'em laugh
Let 'em frown
You know I'll love you
Till the moon's upside down
Don't you remember
I was always your clown
Why try to change me now
Don't you remember
I was always your clown
Why try to change me
Why would you want to change me
Why try to change me now
So I walk in the rain
I've got some habits
Even I can't explain
I go to the corner
I end up in Spain
Why try to change me now
I sit and daydream
I've got daydreams galore
Cigarette ashes
There they go on the floor
I go away weekends
Leave my keys in the door
Why try to change me now
Why can't I be more conventional
People talk
And they stare
So I try
But that can't be
Cuz I can't see
My strange little world
Just go passing me by
So let people wonder
Let 'em laugh
Let 'em frown
You know I'll love you
Till the moon's upside down
Don't you remember
I was always your clown
Why try to change me now
Don't you remember
I was always your clown
Why try to change me
Why would you want to change me
Why try to change me now
I think I know better now. It's not that I'm emo as they would call it, but the truth is that I'm an angry man. I'm easily angered even by the smallest thing and the littlest provocation, and I really tend to do stupid things in my spite which I always come to regret later on. I live my life with lots of regret and anger mixed in a very unsettling mix of personality, and I hate myself that way. In a way, I hate him a lot because he is always angry and shouts a lot in the house, and in effect, by hating him deeply I ended up becoming like him
A friend of mine pulled a very nasty prank on me. Even though I had my own doubt that it was him all along, I exploded still when I found out in the end. If you happened to have a link to my Facebook and Twitter, you'll find out just how mad I was and the amount of cursive words I threw in my spite. Of course, I ended up regretting it, and I know people will just make it easier for themselves to label me as emo and all
I just wanted him to know, beneath all that anger and cursing, I was deeply hurt. I won't say this directly to him, as I didn't directed all the cursing at him, but I really needed someone to know that I'm really hurt. If you're gonna say that I'm overreacting over some stupid prank, then fine
Ps: People suffering from aphasia, a loss of the ability to understand words, are significantly better at detecting lies than normal people
Gomen
I'm really sorry for what I've said earlier. I should've just keep it all inside and not to breathe a word about it, much less blog about it. I'm just confused, yes such a cliche reason, but that's it, I'm really confused with how people think, why people react the certain way they do. I don't know if you're really okay about it, but please forgive me?
Now you know why I always call myself a jerk back then
Now you know why I always call myself a jerk back then
Running and Chasing
I'm trying to write again, but somehow I just can't do it. I no longer feel inspired by my own writing, pretty much to even like it. My writing back then was filled with grammatical errors, mind you, not that I'm proficient enough now, but the way I write was, better I think. I don't know why, I really don't
Maybe it's because how I perceive the world today is different from back then? How what I feel today is different from back then? I've changed a lot, it's been such a revolution, and somehow it has also changed the way I write things. I hate it, I no longer find my writing is of any pleasure to even myself
Maybe it's because how I perceive the world today is different from back then? How what I feel today is different from back then? I've changed a lot, it's been such a revolution, and somehow it has also changed the way I write things. I hate it, I no longer find my writing is of any pleasure to even myself
We keep running, and we keep chasing
There's a big gap, a big hole inside of us
We desperately try to fill it
With everything we see worthy
With everything we just take by chance
And still, nothing seems to be good enough
We search, and we search
We glance towards the sky
We bow down to the earth
We see and we wonder
We realize
We keep running, and we keep chasing
There's a big gap, a big hole inside of us
And we realize, who made the big hole inside of us
As wide as the ocean at the beach
As large as the sky up there
As gigantic as the sun and the moon
As enormous as the universe itself
Our eyes can fathom such greatness
Why can't our heart bear similar magnitude?
Maybe we are not looking up there high enough
Maybe we are not looking down there humble enough
Maybe we are too concerned with people beside us and not beyond
Remember, what is our true purpose here in this world
The One we need the most close to our hearts
The things that we keep on forgetting
There's a big gap, a big hole inside of us
We desperately try to fill it
With everything we see worthy
With everything we just take by chance
And still, nothing seems to be good enough
We search, and we search
We glance towards the sky
We bow down to the earth
We see and we wonder
We realize
We keep running, and we keep chasing
There's a big gap, a big hole inside of us
And we realize, who made the big hole inside of us
As wide as the ocean at the beach
As large as the sky up there
As gigantic as the sun and the moon
As enormous as the universe itself
Our eyes can fathom such greatness
Why can't our heart bear similar magnitude?
Maybe we are not looking up there high enough
Maybe we are not looking down there humble enough
Maybe we are too concerned with people beside us and not beyond
Remember, what is our true purpose here in this world
The One we need the most close to our hearts
The things that we keep on forgetting
To a Swell Friend
I trust people too much. Not people in general, but to a few that I let my guard down and poured everything to them, even the unnecessary things. With this, I can see a pattern. All of those that I decided to give away my secrets, my feelings to them, all ended up "having enough of me". Tired, gave up, had enough of me and all
And the conclusion is? I'm a freak, a jerk that you will really hate once you get to know me. I don't really show my emotions and all at times, but with people that I trust, I tend to just let it go, spill everything out. And get too attached to them
No, I'm not gonna be all negative about this. Yes, I'm freaking sad that people that I thought I can really believe in and really cares was just curious about my problems and once they got to know the real me, decided to have enough. But then again it is my problem, my own fault. My own personality that needed readjusting
Dear swell friend, you are a swell friend and will always be. Thanks for putting up with the nonsense that I put you through haha. Hope you are happy, I needlessly made you unhappy in this senseless episode of my life didn't I?
PS: Bubble tea still on. Just say the word~
And the conclusion is? I'm a freak, a jerk that you will really hate once you get to know me. I don't really show my emotions and all at times, but with people that I trust, I tend to just let it go, spill everything out. And get too attached to them
No, I'm not gonna be all negative about this. Yes, I'm freaking sad that people that I thought I can really believe in and really cares was just curious about my problems and once they got to know the real me, decided to have enough. But then again it is my problem, my own fault. My own personality that needed readjusting
Dear swell friend, you are a swell friend and will always be. Thanks for putting up with the nonsense that I put you through haha. Hope you are happy, I needlessly made you unhappy in this senseless episode of my life didn't I?
PS: Bubble tea still on. Just say the word~
Here We Go Again
She used to be so vibrant, so cheerful, so beautiful. She has this really enchanting smile, the lips curved just enough to draw anyone in to her. The way she spoke with such confidence that you feel so alive just by having a simple chat with her. And she didn't lack heart either, always generous with greetings and smiles and poking other people urging them to smile with her and share the happiness
She made me happier. She made me smile more. She made me use the word "love" more often. She taught me that you're not alone in this world, and there really are someone who really cares about you
Yet, everything changes. Somehow I feel like she's no longer the happy person that she used to be. Everytime I look through her eyes, I can feel sadness lingering there. Even when she's laughing with her friends, there'll always be a short moment of deep silence filling in between her laughs. The saddest of all, those vibrant smiles seems to be lost, only to be replaced with the sad sad ones
I know that part of the blame is on me. I was the one who had hurt her terribly, I was the one who negated all her possibilities. Foolishness and anger took control over me, and time and again we ended up in a spiral of hurt and regret. Until everything falls apart, and somehow the gap created between us has been too big to cover up already
If I could give away anything just to have everything to be back the way they used to be, then I would. If all it takes for her to be happy again is for me to just fade away, then I would readily oblige
She made me happier. She made me smile more. She made me use the word "love" more often. She taught me that you're not alone in this world, and there really are someone who really cares about you
Yet, everything changes. Somehow I feel like she's no longer the happy person that she used to be. Everytime I look through her eyes, I can feel sadness lingering there. Even when she's laughing with her friends, there'll always be a short moment of deep silence filling in between her laughs. The saddest of all, those vibrant smiles seems to be lost, only to be replaced with the sad sad ones
I know that part of the blame is on me. I was the one who had hurt her terribly, I was the one who negated all her possibilities. Foolishness and anger took control over me, and time and again we ended up in a spiral of hurt and regret. Until everything falls apart, and somehow the gap created between us has been too big to cover up already
If I could give away anything just to have everything to be back the way they used to be, then I would. If all it takes for her to be happy again is for me to just fade away, then I would readily oblige
Sayonara April
Nothing last forever. Even this polaroid picture, I can touch it, I can keep it safe in my possession, but one day it will also fade away. The colours of all the faces, the fabric torn away by time, it's just the same for us. It is kinda sad, but then again, we can't feel happiness without expecting sadness along with it. One day we feel so high, we would never know when we would fall down so hard. We love someone dearly, but one day we might never see that person again
But for now, let me cherish these memories for a while. Let me cry like a child for just this once, for I am so afraid of being alone. Tell me lies, tell me that we'll stay like this forever, and I'll believe you with all my heart. I just want to forget about the past, I don't want to think about the future, I just want now
I love you. Goodbye April, may we meet again in a different, more pleasant manner next time...
Forgiving Oneself
I used to find this very hard to believe. I don't know how one could forgive himself, at least in my own perspective. For every bit of regret and disappointment, I could only blame myself for everything, especially when it concerns people that I care about. It only seemed right, with my logic and reasoning all going against such belief
Little did I know how much bitter I'd become. At least for now, I'm slowly getting a grasp on how you can forgive yourself. I can't really say that I'm already over anything, but just that I'm trying harder now
Full Moon
This deep affection towards dunya inside of me is way strong. As I gaze at the moon, I became instantly transfixed upon it and forgot everything else. But as time passes by, I realized that everything will never stay the same. In this imperfect world that only serves as a temporary station, we can only linger but never be truly be satisfied. Only in remembering Him, will everything be okay
I've got to stop bothering about what people think about me~
Fade
i feel that, the more i'm drawn into this dunya
the more that i'm falling out of it
with every cut and every slash
now, i feel like people are seeing me as some kind of freak
that short glance when i come into the picture
and the silence that follows
when i've lost the trust of friends that care
that understand, that persevere
wish and regret don't even matter anymore
and now i wonder
if i would just fade away, if i'm no longer am
would i still feel this alone
EgoSpatial
"I think, therefore I am is the statement of an intellectual who underrates toothaches.
I feel, therefore I am is a truth much more universally valid, and it applies to everything that’s alive.
My self does not differ substantially from yours in terms of its thought.
Many people, few ideas: we all think more or less the same, and we exchange, borrow, steal thoughts from one another. However, when someone steps on my foot, only I feel the pain.
The basis of the self is not thought but suffering, which is the most fundamental of all feelings.
While it suffers, not even a cat can doubt its unique and uninterchangeable self.
In intense suffering the world disappears and each of us is alone with his self.
Suffering is the university of ego-centrism."
Milan Kundera - Immortality
I see that it will be very quiet soon. Not the serene kind of quiet, but more a quaint, disturbing quiet of a night alone. As if the Spiderman is having you for dinner later on~
I hate this stupid ego. I'm sorry Aisyah, I'm really sorry...
At the Stroke of Midnight
There was only four us, two of 'em smoking, the other and me just staring towards the empty space that was starting to fill around midnight. The white cat just sat still on the white chair, acting as if he or she was also a part of our little kingdom.
"Thanks guys."
They shifted their attention, and then mumbled something I didn't bother to listen. I gave them a smile that was barely visible under the dim light of the overhead lamp post. I glanced over at my handphone, reading that particular message again and again.
And I taught there was tears inside my eyes. And I wonder is it because of her? Or was it because of just pure tiredness caused by the hectic day.
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